You Have Two Options.

---
1. Love Me
2. Leave Me

Hello!

Today is neither here nor there, just the day we went swimming. I guess the day before my appointment, too...

Heh. It seems so long ago that i paced the entire ground floor of HMV(nearly wearing out my shoes), going pass the mirror in that footwear shop 2139 times, waiting for you till the cows(and cowboy) went home. The 2 hour dinner at marche, your "do u know the difference between a meal and dinner?", the tour to meridian hotel, the walk back to dhoby ghaut, you sending me back home.

Haha... The fragmented memories of us meeting at Jurong East, going over to chinatown for fish porridge... Having fish porridge at my void deck. You coming over just to install warcraft. It seems like we've been thru so many things in ten short months. Hugs. Kisses. *censored* massages, quarrels and all.

Today was scary. It seemed to me you were dropping veiled hints/threats all day about no longer wanting me. Suddenly my heart got heavier, and it occurred to me that when one day you really get tired of me i should really get worried. Hahaha. Right now i'm not sure how to continue. But at least now i know how you feel whenever i mention a breakup.

Whenever i sit down to think about it, i think its quite amazing how you haven't requested for a breakup. Keeping in view the number of times i get cranky and (almost) impossibly unreasonable. You give in to me very often, and let me have my way, and the last word on most things. You shower me with roses, hugs, love and a whole lot of kisses. You dote on Kejun and Shaggy, and you travel alot. You put in alot of effort to not let me feel insecure, and you cook for me too. You massage me, tease me, play badminton with me, and invariably make me cantankerous.

The only thing i'm certain i give you is hard ons. Ugh. I'm sure i give you headaches and heartaches too...

Haha. You make me laugh alot too... and you let me lick your toes *yum* you also allow me to get rowr rowr at you...

Certainly you (unknowingly) give me some a little bit   .  <<< this little bit of insecurity. and heartaches too. But nah. i'm not insecure, not over you. I trust you, a lot. You motivate me sometimes. make me procrastinate at other times. Sometimes you make me feel  .  <<< this much intelligent. argh. i cannot deal with you when you're bad-tempered, too. 

Heh. Those are not excuses for me threatening to break-up, over and over again.
I'm pretty sure you're tired of my apologies, too.

Therefore i shan't say i'm sorry. (even though i am). Actions speak louder than words. I shall try my bestest to keep you till you decide i'm too much hassle, haha. In the meantime, i am sure we'd be able to overcome whatever obstacles that stand in our way, together. After all, we are more or less experienced. =)

From now till i become an old crone, you shall hafta continue tolerating my crankiness (which i will try to curb) while i shall go about learning how to deal with you.

I love you, Victor Chen. Don't give up hope on us yet.

Your Xiaowen. 18/11/2004

I suggest you take option 1 (My life depends on it.)
---

A letter found while cleaning my room today. One i am reading for the first time, in 2009.
Sometimes i really wonder how she is.

Pew Pew'ed.

When i get pew pew'ed 2 things happen.

Either i pew pew back or i take the shot and i quit the game.

GG.

Pew pew.

Rules:It's harder than it looks! Copy to your own note, erase my answers, enter yours, and tag twenty people.Use the first letter of your name to answer each of the following questions. They have to be real...nothing made up! If the person before you had the same first initial, you must use different answers. You cannot use any word twice and you can't use your name for the boy/girl name question.

1. What is your name : Victor
2. A four Letter Word : Vain
3. A boy's Name : Vincent
(next nearest V name people mistake me by)
4. A girl's Name : Vanessa
5. An occupation : Ventroloquist (only one left is Veterinarian)
6. A color : Violet
7. Something you'll wear : Vibrator (seriously? no. nuh uh. NEXT.)
9. A food : Venison (deer meat)
10. Something found in the bathroom: Ventilation
(If u dont already have it, get it. quick.)
11. A place : Venice
12. A reason for being late : Very ___
(fill in excuse, e.g. hot/long traffic jam/packed bus)
13. Something you'd shout : VENGEANCE! (RAWR)
14. A movie title : V for Vendetta (i know i'm good)
15. Something you drink : VODKA (thank you God.)
16. A musical group : Venga Boys (oldskool ftw)
17. An animal : Viper
18. A street name : Victoria Street
(hopefully her secrets are here too)
19. A type of car : Volkswagen (God is pwning this quiz.)
20. The title of a song : Viva la Vida - Coldplay (what can i say...)

Well i dont know where 8. went. Seems missing. Time to channel wit elsewere more productive.

Ghosts of the past cripple the present and inhibit our future

i love you too dad. sometimes its extremely hard to convey that. especially in a father son relationship. i know you've spent your whole life working hard and being very conservative be it money or perspective and you uphold values like piety, respect and responsibility very much.

i just want to say that be it me forgetting to wipe the bathroom after i bathe, or forgetting to close a window when i go out, it doesnt mean i want to convey arrogance or make u angry. sometimes i wonder why when i take expressive effort to angle something i say in a way that the 'arrogance' or 'disrespect' level is alot lower but you just let it go un-noticed. give me some credit for being able to make things come out the right way. please?

i dont think the world ends when mummy makes the house dirty. i dont think the world ends when charmaine is being annoying about dinner after she wakes up from oversleeping. the world also doesnt end when computers break down, or electrical appliances are accidentally left on, or fridge doors left open. i know these things may seem highly important, and yes, anyone can make a choice to come to the extremist conclusion that people are irresponsible/hopeless/useless/nuisances. whatever your choice turns out to be we're still family. and thats about the only conclusion that matters.

many a time its very easy to ask this useless irresponsible son of yours to shut up. having no place in the family to comment nor make observations. we all have versions of our own truths. we also like to beat down any idea that comes along the way. its easy to flaw a person and make character assasinations based on a person's opinion. but i personally dont believe thats in any way constructive to either parties nor the whole family unit. in a short space of time yes, we feel empowered being able to shut people out, and up, overtime people also learn that being treated like that is highly discouraging and stop seeking for approvals or counter opinions. at the end of a few years, thats how people stop communicating, or alot less, which isn't any better.

i admit i havent been the most tactful responsible hardworking dilligent disciplined favourite person. just by the previous sentence i hope i have expressed that i explicitly know what my flaws are, and where my motivational pitfalls lie. happiness isnt tolerance. it is not even a close substitute. happiness coexists with unplesantness, arguments, fights, screamings, tears, colorful language and some nights you just cant sleep peacefully. but that's precisely the whole beauty of life and family. god makes every weird family mix work out. even if it doesnt yet work out we stick to trying. we arent supposed to shut people out, nor avoid people completely. should that happen then they're bad signs. expressing one's self is highly important, i say that to all of us.

if charmaine needs to eat or buy her food alone, tell her. she's old enough and capable enough to get her own dinner or eat out with her friends. please dont say that 'telling people no use'. many things have to be repeated even if its sian or irritating to repeat. if you feel that providing for a daughter's dinner is essential to feel 'fatherly' then tell her that its something u do for her because you're her father, not her slave. do something often and people expect it all the time. its human nature because its convenient to let it be.

to charmaine: you're old enough to get your own dinner, please talk to daddy. try not doing anything which he will misunderstand to be you not being happy about dinner not being bought for you. knowing he isnt someone who expresses his emotions easily just make it easier for him. if its important people settle your dinner for you then save up pocket money and try paying for catering every day to the house just for one person. yes its stupid and a waste of money but at least it doesnt get anyone upset over a small matter.

the intention was never to paint a nice picture of myself. i have tonnes of flaws. if starting an email thread gets the resentment out and harmony in for everybody, i am all for it. just, please, make it constructive and cut out the self opinion additions and bad words out(to dad), be more articulate and precise about what u want to say, and state underlying emotions and motivations if any (for charmaine) and state all spontaneous decisions(to mummy)

Love,
Vic.

sure do hope i get a reply soon.

In betweens.

Dear J,

i kinda miss you. stuff we'd do together. jokes i'd crack that you'd laugh to.

i dont really know how to approach the subject. you make me want to better myself. even if it isnt supposed to be for you, or us, for that matter.

it sucks when i see my friends happily attached. it sucks feeling like a third wheel, period. it sucks when i know the endearing stuff people do when alone, and i'm blatantly there, sticking out like a sore thumb. it also sucks when i know you arent the type that can be rushed. i just feel that much more inhibited.

but nothing sucks more than that creeping feeling that i wouldnt be different had you not been there for me or not have appeared in my life. friendship is an involuntary reflex and to some extent, i even feel its pre-ordained.

but what are we?
friends? lovers? in betweens?

then came the hand holdings, the late night giggly suppers, incessantly spontaneous joyful memories and one great big warm hug after, that was it. i was yours. still am. i'm not as unattainable as you think me to be. i dont see why you're tangibly insecure. for the past year i've known you you're the only real girl i've dated since we even knew each other.

but why dont i want to move on even if i feel myself losing priority in your life. you're the long suffering hard working impeccably polite and mannered girl to set me straight. i'd like to think us as beacons in each other's darkness. you compliment me. i'm just full of white hot emo rage and you're what i need. screw what i want.

am i just dreaming up everything, or is what both of us mutually experiencing through each other, tangible. waiting is torturous when reasons stay unknown.

some mistakes need to be made.

because i need to make this mistake with you, thats what.

bummer.

You are a DIRECTOR / negotiatorYou are an innovator. You are an inventive, thorough, independent thinker with a deep interest in how the world works. You quickly grasp patterns and relationships. And when you focus on a particular work-related or social puzzle, you often come up with novel theories and ideas about it.

You have a strong need to achieve. You want to make an impact on the world. And with your aptitude for theoretical thinking, your investigative rigor, your logic and your determination, you are likely to win the honors your hard work deserves.

You are a complex person, outwardly assertive, logical and intellectual, yet likely to see the many sides of an issue, feel deep sympathy for others and enjoy the spiritual as well as the concrete.

You can be friendly, insightful and eager to please. These attributes, combined with your love of challenges and knowledge, make you an exciting, and at times, very sensitive companion.

Your Major and Minor Personality Types
Your major personality type = Director
Your minor personality type = Negotiator
E-Explorer - 27%
N-Negotiator - 31%
B-Builder - 10%
D-Director - 32%

Democracy.

Theologian Rienhold Neibuhr - “Man’s capacity for justice makes democracy necessary”

But i feel the illuminati denizens assimilated into the hearts and ranks of society and governance have perverted and are still perverting the finest of men and ideals into what is a subtle hell on earth, relinquishing slowly but surely the will of original man and God's covenant with us.

For the agents of darkness have but one sole purpose here. To ensure as much flesh be unsaved as possible, and no amount of resource shall be spared to achieve that end.

What shall surely follow will be measures to induce us to forgo ourselves and the choice for eternal life and happiness as children of God once more, and to foolishly choose the bread which makes us but hungry once more, and not the bread of eternal life.

So brace well, dear humanity, for the democracies that are and will be, will be facades of facist feudalism to bring about a one world governance, and ultimately dictatorship.

Manufactured Democracy, the greatest crafted weapon of the agents of darkness thus far. For its reach deludes many and subjects all to relinquish themselves to the majority. For what we would like to believe is its most redeeming attribute, to also be the most effective catalyst to exploit our vulnerabilities.

Dear God, help us.

i narcissistic meh.

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Low
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	Moderate
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Low
Histrionic:	Moderate
Narcissistic:	High
Avoidant:	Low
Dependent:	Low
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Moderate
-- Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Information --

O_o

Happened to be able to find where lionel did this. so oh well:

Your view on yourself

You are intelligent, honest and sweet. You are friendly to everybody and don't like conflict. Because you're so cheerful and fun people are naturally attracted to you and like to talk to you.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for

You are not looking merely for a girl/boyfriend - you are looking for your life partner. Perhaps you should be more open-minded about who you spend time with. The person you are looking for might hide their charm under their exterior.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love

You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education

You may not like to study but you have many practical ideas. You listen to your own instincts and tend to follow your heart, so you will probably end up with an unusual job.

The right job for you

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success

You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of

You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self

You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

sigh.

A Toast.

omg i miss ham. even if he wants to d2 w/o me. (yes i am too lazy to create character and play from lvl 1 on the best resolution of 800x600 only unless they come up with a 1280x1024 patch ftw).

Well, lets see. when i first got to know you. u were teaching me how to play a sven and told me i had bought the wrong items. >_<" then you sent maria home and alvin was like omg such a big fellow send maria home u all not scared ah. come on lets face it. come to think of it, you DO look like a 37yr old divorcee leh.

then omg i kept going over your place and talking to grandma. we went for 2 or 3 golfing thingys with your mum. u helped me take stuff from my old place. then there was the annie thing and not, and yes and no again. in between was jason, sharon, and johnny, fiq, angeline, other jason, eevel, alvin etc. afternoons spent at your school bumming. there was atf. rofl atf. endless suppers, booze, dirty jokes (with of course classy elegant spontaneity by yours truly, ahem!) them there was nokia and i still remember the awkward once only traumatising time we went to the woodlands church. boy what crazy ass ride we've carried each other for.

yes there were down times. i got angry, u got angry. we were both rawr rawr with each other. playing with subtle sarcasms and threading along as well as redefining the line of friendship. in fact i could very well have gone to cj and met u there too. lol. in your batch of course. then there was the whole dotalitics and rgn period too. then there was nokia and a new clique of friends.

A Toast. To wealth wasted on food and taxi's and shopping. To you driving and me giving wrong directions. To oogling at bah bah girls, ber- ding²s/dang²s/dong²s/dung²s/doong's. To movies. to jaychou and chaoge and sunyanzi. to comix. to anime. to my inciting you to liking seafood (prons).

Yam Seng. We've earned it. (">)