Cuddles ftw.

Grateful.

Victor and Vanquished says:

yes but even with a job
it dont take away the pain
from a broken family
estranged dad
submissive mum
i cut myself from him.
i dont want his fucking house
nor his dumb fucking will.
i dont need all that dad.
i need u to love.
your kids.
your wife.
stop using them as plaforms to put down just for your ego boost
stop convincing yourself ur a great dad
stop falsifying an alternate reality to your friends
stop lying about me
stop going to my tution kid's house and telling the mother i am a bad tutor when the kid gets distinctions
stop saying u love the family
stop thinking that just because u provide for a family that that = u are a good dad.
stop thinking that just because we dont feed your fucking ego that we disagree u are a good dad
just stop trying so hard. yes your idea of a good dad is shallow
but its not as if we wanted more from you
we never ask from you
we never demand anything from u
is it not enough?
is it not enough u dont give me any money when i end jc.
is it not enough i have never asked a single cent from u
for 5 years
and u kick me out of the house u so desperately cling on to
u tell me u cut off everything when i have been paying my own bills
u call my gf a slut when she sees the jem in me and spends more time with me?
u had to insult her family?
grow up dad.
period.
stop trying to fly off to shanghai for chinese new year just so people forget me.
i make too much of an impression. people we know all like me
they will know.
stop defending yourself
stop telling yourself u have a bad son
stop forcing people into a corner and then when they pwn your silly outbursts with one or 2 sentences
then u get so frustrated and offended
stop saying this son will die when he leaves your protection. he never had it from u. and u never gave it either.
one year now he's left your house
he's okay.
he's grown up abit.
made friends
worked log hours
this son started working earlier than even you.
grandma didnt kick u out when u were in a critical age?
then how do u think its fair i leave just to appease you
i left to show u that u arent as great as u think.
i survive as testament to the bad father u are.
i survive for my friends
i survive to experience life
i survive to know more about the people around me
i learnt my glib from you
at first all was rosy
how did u pervert such beauty of father and son to such depths?
never will i want to know anymore
traumatise me u might have
stronger i have become.
when u pushed me i stood my gound
when i pushed back u fell
u bled.
i saw fear in your eyes
fear in a father of his son
then it must be undone.
for a father who fears his son is not worthy of being a father.
that perversion said much about you and what u believed in
enough then.
off i go
greener pastures await
the pain has not ended
the toil is not done
but with this
u have reinforced my resolve.
in many twisted ways.

thank you dad.

Love Floats.

Need we space and time

For what is real and sublime?

Where do we, ourselves, align

Lying lost, confused yet dormant, benign

Would thee not, with space, embrace

Prefer thou not, a kiss, rekindle bliss.

Hath ye not, yearned fires of desire

Joys beyond all pleasure and measure.

Demented. Distraught. Deranged.

You are The Devil

Materiality. Material Force. Material temptation; sometimes obsession

The Devil is often a great card for business success; hard work and ambition.

Perhaps the most misunderstood of all the major arcana, the Devil is not really "Satan" at all, but Pan the half-goat nature god and/or Dionysius. These are gods of pleasure and abandon, of wild behavior and unbridled desires. This is a card about ambitions; it is also synonymous with temptation and addiction. On the flip side, however, the card can be a warning to someone who is too restrained, someone who never allows themselves to get passionate or messy or wild - or ambitious. This, too, is a form of enslavement. As a person, the Devil can stand for a man of money or erotic power, aggressive, controlling, or just persuasive. This is not to say a bad man, but certainly a powerful man who is hard to resist. The important thing is to remember that any chain is freely worn. In most cases, you are enslaved only because you allow it.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

no.

i never dreamt of the wierd possibilities u made me out to be. nor have i side analysed people that way. nor have i abhored people for their circumstance. never will i say i am this way just because. then again. if u do ponder. and also if i am the hypocritical fence sitter i am made out to be, i will say generic infallible statements to garner good faith. i do not.

if u think i hate him because he has a girlfriend. then u dont know me well. (whats so great about her, really)

if u think i hate him because he has a broken family, u must be nuts. (as if i dont have one)

once again. if u feel you arent one to generate bias upon circumstance. what makes u think i do?

so someone decides to send u a log (he is faultless for what i deem to be a minor infringement) and you are shocked? (why not with him?)

i may covet true happiness and a warm family. but never to the point of soulful oblivion, thank you. still i will be occupied supporting myself. coming to my empty bed. falling asleep drunk with could have beens i have been yes, weak to fufil (should i truely have been able to)

when u earn 1.2k. and pay 400 for rent. 120 for your bills and pay off a japan trip and are left with nothing. seriosuly. u dont have time for angst. you would be nervous over pettier needs like a roof over your head and whether u have enough pocket money for school next semester.

i dont think u fathom this side of life. army may be close but not close enough.yes, work hard now. no one is saying you shouldnt. but it doesnt mean u are exempt from other struggles in your life. and please stop saying its a choice i made. would it be sane to say it is a choice u made to pursue your studies? (with no consideration other pre-requisites have already been made, to allow u to?) those pre-requisites i need to tackle right now. choice is an intricacy pretty complex to analyse. broken down, it is easily deludes the analyser. results garnered are still fallible by invigorated information.

this never was about those people. somehow if u bring it there. then there already has been much u have chosen to not say, when a friend should have.

and no. this definitely does not feed any egos of mine. its quite a piece of suffering to be in where i am. never will i feel fending for one's self in a critical age makes me stronger than my peers.

you dont see the weakness within. (maybe not even for you)

yes you are right. dota is a test for me. typing sheep to remind someone to coordinate teamwork isnt really a flame. nor typing blink to someone else who forgets he has it. if its a game to be fun for you. then dont be affected by what people say. simple. just say victor is like that lor. just write it off. same what. i also write how people play off. never will i say you are good or lousy with calculated thought. games are flurries of impulses. everything is forgotten when it ends.

true friends fathom. lets try. not for convenience, nor just because, nor because we've been friends from acquaintances for so long. nor because we're lazy to know other people. (sometimes understanding that people chose others over us for greater reasons is a humbling virtue as well)

oh and i was being yelled a bastard or an idiot quite loudly on your birthday in front of all your friends and family. to have 20 pairs of eyes on you sux. so i left shortly after. no i didnt talk about it. i tried to fathom. (surely it was an impulse. nvm. friendship>all)

fear only what u fathom. else they be phantoms.

friendship ftw.

New Year.

Pondering...

Somehow or rather. I choose to not go to changi airport to pick someone up or welcome him home. How dumb can this get. Seriously. You want to pick your boyfriend up then okay. go ahead. u asked me to plan and give u details, you went ahead to do what u want. i gave a place for dinner, u said no. u wanted to meet at the airport 3 hours ahead of time to eat and talk and you are afriad we'd be late. I dont really know what u decided to tell anyone else. but if u all had fucking plans. then why the fuck meet for dinner? meet at airport 10pm for an arrival at 1030. simple. u want to eat dinner at your place then dont ask anyone else to plan a place to eat. if you are going to overrule everything. then kindly not ask anyone to 'decide for you and give u details'. Negotiation is an art u do not have. arts scholar u may be. that requires 2 parties coming to an agreement. which somehow or rather u are either too pigheaded or egotistical to come to. you know who you are.

'explain why you are not there to him'. really. refer to above. i had enough of people like this in my life. EQ? thy dares breach into this realm? a higher EQ person cannot flare up at lower EQ people?. Nope. this isnt low EQ. its blatant in nature. choice has been done. you show your ugly side to people and you think they are stupid? no. they choose to let you be. either u arent worth changing much. or you never will anyways. why bother. did he specify he wants to see us or pick us up? no. just because people are available for things to be done doesnt mean that they should or will. expectance of this is naively proving one has a low EQ. So i see. when you have exams and have no time and choose not to put friends (or different friends due to different personal reasons) first but yourself. that is altruistically right? then we are both sinless.

Being a true friend is more than telling a friend what he wants to hear. nor telling him what u have tailored, what may be a horrid attempt at tact. if you hope people understand you yet make no effort to yourself to understand truly, people, in their conditions or reasons why they have done what they have done, to be whatever they are. then you have not crossed a tier far more worthy than a man's worth. if u choose to insist a person is wrong with all of you. then there can be no hope for any sort of kinship ties. judge not people. but circumstance. once u have analysed such as prior. then analyse choice. if u are traumatised or affected by eventuality, and have no access or no such comfort of the above, then cast not the first stone. if you are so free to analyse so much. you wont be who you are anymore. this opens a whole new topic of life choice and outcome which few are willing to dare themselves out to being.

'treasure that group of friends' if this be a true regard. amen. i will see forth such. if it be smite, then thou has no leverage to cast this stone.

what are we but souls? seek we not pleasures of flesh and mind? challenge you i forever shall, yet hold a torch for you, always i will. this is friendship. rather, soulship. remember this, forsake you i never shall. such length i am prepared to go for a true friend. maybe i should move on.


should our paths cross on this dark and dimly lit road, give thou a smile and thou shalt embrace thy soul with a tear.