Affirmation

Its been awhile, got to know some people after army, attended st. theresa's father arro's 50th golden birthday bash, archbishop was there, vern as usual made everyone sing, people melted, came together, rose to great heights together, vern made archbishop sing (omg!), attended carraige bar's idol at carraige bar near mt. elizabeth. 12 singers, the women came in tops. brian was there, so was doreen, as well as a few other celebs, pretty smashing all in all. Singing for vatican artifacts at asian civilization musem tomorrow, choir prac tonite.

The past few weeks and months have been outrageously emotionally exhaustive. one of the pitfalls which have been hard to avoid has been to call on her, ask after her, still not too sober whatever we had was over, snap! just like that. She says that there was a point of time which reversal was possible. I tried. Guess we're better off without each other. When i fall asleep or wake up, i think of her, imagining it was her that was next to me, wishing that bolster/pillow that i had hugged too tightly for a boy of my age, to animate itself and maybe hug back. Facades. Its always SO very very hard to forget someone you have loved. Guess the next best thing u can do is fall in love again, or forever wall your heart, its defences evident of insecurities we've been hurt by before.

Ever wanted to reach out above the clouds? ascend way beyond the limitations society and family/friends set you? to break free and attain liberation of body, heart, mind and soul? we all do. we are but only mortal, however, we have something invaluable. It is free will. be it god or whatever you believe in, free will is the embodiment of applicable liberty which is the here and now which affects our lives every single moment of its entirety. every turn u take, every move u make. negligibility is but its own subjection, hence is valuation itself. perspectives serve to equalise as they have, always.

Boy do i need some structure in my life, spread yourself too thinly, and you will inevitably discover that you have compromised depth for perception. argued abit with dominic heh. Something u can use when u argue with people is the exact opposite discipline of itself. the closer or more detailed a person speaks about something, the faster u can pick out faults at the subject. Touched on marxism and democracy, communism as well as imperialism, basal fundamentals of religion as well as some sociology. Apparently dominic dislikes those who do not argue and are able to, simply because they have done an elementary level of a cost benefit analysis, and found that it was better to exhibit serenity over doing whatever that was in their power to accelerate change, be it for themselves or even for greater reasons.

But oh well i did sort of argue with my evasiveness. Fight Depth with Perception they always say, and the two will equalise should u prefer whichever conflicts to leave the combatants unscathed. Prides may hurt though, subjected to how much either party is willing to actually be hurt. Should people try to argue with you based on scope, pinpoint points u want to question and do away with scopial approaches. harvest doubt with tact and subtlety. reciprocate to clarify both points made by him and yourself. that is of course, just slightly advanced squaring off. further improvisations enable u to use what the opponent has said against himself. basal questions can be very disturbing should u discover how to employ them with tact and guise it with a twist of eloquence and unassumingness (well, also attainable thru honest/anticipated thought and speech)


Sometimes, when u overanalyse something, it loses its worth and value, not because those are essentially lost, but because analysis breaks down one huge chunk and dissects entirety. but oh well u know us humans, we'd keep analysing because we think it brings us to higher levels. maslow's heirachy of needs has been overused, and also, debunked with the circumstances to today's world. Man has to analyse religion, something intended to be way above him, of course he only unravels confusion and dead ends. likewise, people question maslow of his ascension laws. Is it not possible for us to want to attain self actualisation above pragmatism? Is it not possible to derive love and then pragmatism? Is it not possible to jump processes? =)

it is queer how maslow leaves out the human spirit in his parenthesis. the spirit to love someone can be so overwhelming that u put other factors aside. the need for self actualisation can overwrite basal physiological needs(feats of sheer humanistic will, marathons) and even fuel u further should that be the goal you will want to attain. it almost tethers alongst borderline cynicism should i be bold enough to offer my opinion.

human spirit has to be the singular most unanticipated, spontaneous yet consistent element of change. the systems of today around us all whisper it to us when we sleep and awake every day.

i think i better write with a structure inn my next attempt to coerce something fruitful

ugh i need to piece my sanity together again, help, anyone?

ellusive redemption

Sometimes, redemption, or the need we(I) find in attaining it, propels us to greater things, provided we are mature enough to not get caught up in the little things. once we settle our own theoretical selves, little things will come to make it all worthwhile.

Thanks xiaowen, for loving me, and letting me try to love you, which i did not do well at all, better luck next time, hope your man finds the gem in you(which is you) which i saw too

Lovers are all aspiring gemologists, once you've fallen in love at first sight, you'll never stop trying

Thank you for planting the seed in me to try, and to love, and even the need to not love each other anymore, i never saw its need my way, now i've been enlightened by you, once i tried to see it your way, and your attempts to unblind me and my ravageous lust for love, which i let, corrupt me thru the ebbing of logic and reason. corruption of love leads to hatred, hatred leads to anger, anger is blind and can only see again, with love. anger also leads to violence(mental violence) 'violence is the last refuge of incompetence', as the words of issac asimov.

Maybe u felt that i had never loved you, guess i got carried away trying to synthesize a 'fall in love' and hence anticipated a sort of recipocration known as 'to be loved', bad mistake. i contradicted me by hoping if i could synthesize the proper channels of love and recipocration, i could attain love and cherishment thru exploitation of circumstance and will. i blinded myself so willingly, that i outsmarted me by self-denial, counter justification of the values of love with simple emotional math. sorry i took up one over year of your time. u already know u deserve someone better.

I loved it when we first ate at marche, and even our first bath together(and erm consequent ones) sorry i was rude to menghui because i used to think she was a twerp >_<'' thanks for letting me kiss you, and hug you, and give u masasges with the body shop massage oil u bought me (er, ya hor, why u buy ah? hurhur) i know u love hot water, u know i love cold water, at least i had fun turning the cold water on when u were using the hot, but u also intently turned up the heat when it was my turn T_T'', i still remember the apricot scrub we used to share, exfoiliation anyone?

Thanks for letting me eat you, yes i know i was rather bad at it, but i noticed your breath quicken when i did it right. forgot when liao, i need refresher courses with a larger sampling size of women i guess haiz. sorry for making you feel as if i want a blowjob that badly. there were times i really didnt have to have one. u didnt believe that i could eat you and not want to be eaten? why not? ur wierd, cant u just take it for it?(i even went to use up what ever i had stored over the week, or two on tissue papers, so as not to plant the wrong seeds in you that u had to recipocrate, ugh, frustration. so i did a 180 degrees on you and u slowly became repulsive. irony. so maybe i wanted to love you more than you did me, keyword: wanted.

When u stopped coming over, i thot i had started to see better, and took it as a loss of effort, when u took it as an avoidance with my dad then. i'm so much better with him now. so anyway i went to the furthest extent of me, to keep us alive, i went over, brought u your favourite handmade noodles(no ikan bilis, no mushrooms), clothes(my lovely sajc wafer shorts T_T), magazines(cleo, herworld, women's weekly, etc), my beloved U-pillow(how's it doing? got my smell anot? =) took cabs there cos i was lazy, and i wanted to see you asap, get u the food as hot and fresh as possible, together with the barang barang i had with me, but u thot i wanted a blowjob asap, well, i usually wank before the whole process, thats why i crash your bed after that, wanking induces sleep hormones =.=zz and also because i had army throughout this period, i overated my potential as a lover and felt i was ready for a fullblown relationship so as to spend more productive time with you.

I used to pop by after camp, with breakfast from delifrance, or fried doughsticks salads, or breadtalk bread, or jurong pt kopitiam hand made noodles, when i couldnt run home to get it. and ya, sorry for the de-sugared stuffs i get you, or cook you, but i know you've got diabetes under control now, congrats on your insulin pump *pumps fist in air* saved u quite a few years of pain, and could very well extend life expectantcy a few years too.

When i saw that your mum was horribly overworked, i was rejuvenated by a new resolve. I tried to see her the way u saw her, albeit never the complete picture u saw, you're ultimately her daughter, me, a worthless outsider. but she was sweet and her toil brought about a radiance about her that i will always be inspired by. hope your dad is inspired by her too. i knew the busy timings she had in the mornings because u told me not to be late if i wanted to help. i did, so i rush after doing nite duty the night before about 10pm to 7am and rush from camp to be in time and i'm zonked by evening or even early afternoon.

My health took a turn for the worse, i was falling sick and i was causing accidents at the stall, i told myself to not help if i couldnt do it properly at all, worse if i got your mum sick, i would never forgive myself for that. anyway if u think i worked for the money, most of the money she gave me went to cab fares to you, paying phone bills, making my ends meet before i brazenly tried to make the ends of others meet. sorry for helping improperly. sometimes i want u to stop helping because it affects your health too, with lethargy and all, i'm horribly inaccurate in all my biological knowledge and anyhow applications.

But whenever u need someone to fix your fluorescent ceiling lights, 'try' to repair your computer, play with you gunbound(yay, i mastered nak and fwoggy!) help your mum when u u feel she needs it and u got school or wana chill the saturday with joan or have project work. when u need someone to talk to, or are stuck at some place in some deserted somewhere, u know can ask me to fetch u home, i'd try to be there for u as a friend, if i couldnt do it when i was a lousy lover, maybe keeping what we had would de-cloud my vision. platonicism.

I think kejun's a bright young star whom i know u love. your sisterly love shines through stronger than whatever we had. i even went as far as to try to be her sister when she was with me, at pools and all, if i couldnt realise my lofty ambitions, maybe i help her materialise hers, they were genuinely more innocently happy. we could be jioing each other soon, i'd pass the magazines meant for u to her, that brat loves to read! heh. kejun if u read this, yes u are a brat >_<''

Have u brought shaggy to get a haircut? aiyoh that dogs hair is tangly and long man, i'ma miss shaggy too, and yea, the pandan leaf experiment was cute, we faked shaggy so so many a time buahaha, i'm so mean

I miss what we had, i miss your family, your dog, our baths, our mutual teasings, physical pamperings we gave each other, the innocence i made u lose, our marche's, sizzler's ban mianning, kuay chapping, hugs, kisses. the warmth of our bodies underneath your comforter, our shopping trips, even the rougher times we've had. i know its been a tumultous year over for you, i'm a very difficult person to get along with. hence i dont deserve what you have in you, for myself. u belong to so much more people, i haven't learnt to deal with that yet

Most of all, i miss you, and i already know i cannot end this with a simple 'come back to me', and please dont, i've clearly shown my immaturity in handling people and their hearts, i disgust me, and the people around me too. hopefully i havent been too possessive along the way, please be careful when u meet anoymous people, please? they can end up hurting you beyond even you, like how i've hurt you.