Volatility.

My grandmother just had a heart attack 3 days ago. But she's fine now.

Life's so hard and volatile i've decided that few things matter as much. This isn't about where we end up in the afterlife but its silly for me to be passive aggressive most of the time like some trigger explosive, with that i would like to resolve to be a nicer person, more accepting of people and their ways even if this isn't reciprocated. I'm far from perfect myself and have too long a way to go to even begin criticizing others

Another thing happened in between this period while we were a bunch of co-workers playing dota after work. I hadn't known i was playing a game with actual people in the room and i was a little short tempered, making unneccesary comments about the people playing together with me in the same room. As you can guess i had to end up apologising profusely and i had no other option but to humble myself even when they said it was alright.

This brings me to question all of us. What's really important? I think i have a few misconceptions i would like to rectify and re-configure before i have a heart attack myself.

At the end of all our mortal phases here, when all your friends and even enemies sit around talking about you, how you live, how you died et al, truths will prevail. Misunderstandings will clear up, its like a proverbial weighing scale of sorts albeit no they dont decide where u do go in your afterlife however they are and will continue to be a good indicator.

Resolving to change, i shall.

Emolia.

"When you know whatever u say, wont get through."
dont talk like u have the unique ability of listening.

"When you know that even those closest have given up and are just playing nice."
again, talk after you've actually done something remotely close.

"When you know that you can't change the fucked up in people."
or miss the fucked up in thyself.

"You just give up like the rest of the world."
someone needs to stop emoing and start comprehending.

"The world is always wrong. Everyone is at fault. Everyone wakes up at 4 pm and cleans your pee bottle for you, cos everyone has too."
yea and silly me helped someone who i believe totally is undeserving of help move house. go me.

"You meant this much ( a post), and be gone. Cos money is all that need to pay you off, apparently."
some people just never bother looking at themselves and wonder if they were the root cause of problems to begin with, ever. once the dust settles, you'll come to realise you embody collateral damage wherever u go.

thats my problem. i'm always fucking extra. see where it lands me.

You Have Two Options.

---
1. Love Me
2. Leave Me

Hello!

Today is neither here nor there, just the day we went swimming. I guess the day before my appointment, too...

Heh. It seems so long ago that i paced the entire ground floor of HMV(nearly wearing out my shoes), going pass the mirror in that footwear shop 2139 times, waiting for you till the cows(and cowboy) went home. The 2 hour dinner at marche, your "do u know the difference between a meal and dinner?", the tour to meridian hotel, the walk back to dhoby ghaut, you sending me back home.

Haha... The fragmented memories of us meeting at Jurong East, going over to chinatown for fish porridge... Having fish porridge at my void deck. You coming over just to install warcraft. It seems like we've been thru so many things in ten short months. Hugs. Kisses. *censored* massages, quarrels and all.

Today was scary. It seemed to me you were dropping veiled hints/threats all day about no longer wanting me. Suddenly my heart got heavier, and it occurred to me that when one day you really get tired of me i should really get worried. Hahaha. Right now i'm not sure how to continue. But at least now i know how you feel whenever i mention a breakup.

Whenever i sit down to think about it, i think its quite amazing how you haven't requested for a breakup. Keeping in view the number of times i get cranky and (almost) impossibly unreasonable. You give in to me very often, and let me have my way, and the last word on most things. You shower me with roses, hugs, love and a whole lot of kisses. You dote on Kejun and Shaggy, and you travel alot. You put in alot of effort to not let me feel insecure, and you cook for me too. You massage me, tease me, play badminton with me, and invariably make me cantankerous.

The only thing i'm certain i give you is hard ons. Ugh. I'm sure i give you headaches and heartaches too...

Haha. You make me laugh alot too... and you let me lick your toes *yum* you also allow me to get rowr rowr at you...

Certainly you (unknowingly) give me some a little bit   .  <<< this little bit of insecurity. and heartaches too. But nah. i'm not insecure, not over you. I trust you, a lot. You motivate me sometimes. make me procrastinate at other times. Sometimes you make me feel  .  <<< this much intelligent. argh. i cannot deal with you when you're bad-tempered, too. 

Heh. Those are not excuses for me threatening to break-up, over and over again.
I'm pretty sure you're tired of my apologies, too.

Therefore i shan't say i'm sorry. (even though i am). Actions speak louder than words. I shall try my bestest to keep you till you decide i'm too much hassle, haha. In the meantime, i am sure we'd be able to overcome whatever obstacles that stand in our way, together. After all, we are more or less experienced. =)

From now till i become an old crone, you shall hafta continue tolerating my crankiness (which i will try to curb) while i shall go about learning how to deal with you.

I love you, Victor Chen. Don't give up hope on us yet.

Your Xiaowen. 18/11/2004

I suggest you take option 1 (My life depends on it.)
---

A letter found while cleaning my room today. One i am reading for the first time, in 2009.
Sometimes i really wonder how she is.

Pew Pew'ed.

When i get pew pew'ed 2 things happen.

Either i pew pew back or i take the shot and i quit the game.

GG.

Pew pew.

Rules:It's harder than it looks! Copy to your own note, erase my answers, enter yours, and tag twenty people.Use the first letter of your name to answer each of the following questions. They have to be real...nothing made up! If the person before you had the same first initial, you must use different answers. You cannot use any word twice and you can't use your name for the boy/girl name question.

1. What is your name : Victor
2. A four Letter Word : Vain
3. A boy's Name : Vincent
(next nearest V name people mistake me by)
4. A girl's Name : Vanessa
5. An occupation : Ventroloquist (only one left is Veterinarian)
6. A color : Violet
7. Something you'll wear : Vibrator (seriously? no. nuh uh. NEXT.)
9. A food : Venison (deer meat)
10. Something found in the bathroom: Ventilation
(If u dont already have it, get it. quick.)
11. A place : Venice
12. A reason for being late : Very ___
(fill in excuse, e.g. hot/long traffic jam/packed bus)
13. Something you'd shout : VENGEANCE! (RAWR)
14. A movie title : V for Vendetta (i know i'm good)
15. Something you drink : VODKA (thank you God.)
16. A musical group : Venga Boys (oldskool ftw)
17. An animal : Viper
18. A street name : Victoria Street
(hopefully her secrets are here too)
19. A type of car : Volkswagen (God is pwning this quiz.)
20. The title of a song : Viva la Vida - Coldplay (what can i say...)

Well i dont know where 8. went. Seems missing. Time to channel wit elsewere more productive.

Ghosts of the past cripple the present and inhibit our future

i love you too dad. sometimes its extremely hard to convey that. especially in a father son relationship. i know you've spent your whole life working hard and being very conservative be it money or perspective and you uphold values like piety, respect and responsibility very much.

i just want to say that be it me forgetting to wipe the bathroom after i bathe, or forgetting to close a window when i go out, it doesnt mean i want to convey arrogance or make u angry. sometimes i wonder why when i take expressive effort to angle something i say in a way that the 'arrogance' or 'disrespect' level is alot lower but you just let it go un-noticed. give me some credit for being able to make things come out the right way. please?

i dont think the world ends when mummy makes the house dirty. i dont think the world ends when charmaine is being annoying about dinner after she wakes up from oversleeping. the world also doesnt end when computers break down, or electrical appliances are accidentally left on, or fridge doors left open. i know these things may seem highly important, and yes, anyone can make a choice to come to the extremist conclusion that people are irresponsible/hopeless/useless/nuisances. whatever your choice turns out to be we're still family. and thats about the only conclusion that matters.

many a time its very easy to ask this useless irresponsible son of yours to shut up. having no place in the family to comment nor make observations. we all have versions of our own truths. we also like to beat down any idea that comes along the way. its easy to flaw a person and make character assasinations based on a person's opinion. but i personally dont believe thats in any way constructive to either parties nor the whole family unit. in a short space of time yes, we feel empowered being able to shut people out, and up, overtime people also learn that being treated like that is highly discouraging and stop seeking for approvals or counter opinions. at the end of a few years, thats how people stop communicating, or alot less, which isn't any better.

i admit i havent been the most tactful responsible hardworking dilligent disciplined favourite person. just by the previous sentence i hope i have expressed that i explicitly know what my flaws are, and where my motivational pitfalls lie. happiness isnt tolerance. it is not even a close substitute. happiness coexists with unplesantness, arguments, fights, screamings, tears, colorful language and some nights you just cant sleep peacefully. but that's precisely the whole beauty of life and family. god makes every weird family mix work out. even if it doesnt yet work out we stick to trying. we arent supposed to shut people out, nor avoid people completely. should that happen then they're bad signs. expressing one's self is highly important, i say that to all of us.

if charmaine needs to eat or buy her food alone, tell her. she's old enough and capable enough to get her own dinner or eat out with her friends. please dont say that 'telling people no use'. many things have to be repeated even if its sian or irritating to repeat. if you feel that providing for a daughter's dinner is essential to feel 'fatherly' then tell her that its something u do for her because you're her father, not her slave. do something often and people expect it all the time. its human nature because its convenient to let it be.

to charmaine: you're old enough to get your own dinner, please talk to daddy. try not doing anything which he will misunderstand to be you not being happy about dinner not being bought for you. knowing he isnt someone who expresses his emotions easily just make it easier for him. if its important people settle your dinner for you then save up pocket money and try paying for catering every day to the house just for one person. yes its stupid and a waste of money but at least it doesnt get anyone upset over a small matter.

the intention was never to paint a nice picture of myself. i have tonnes of flaws. if starting an email thread gets the resentment out and harmony in for everybody, i am all for it. just, please, make it constructive and cut out the self opinion additions and bad words out(to dad), be more articulate and precise about what u want to say, and state underlying emotions and motivations if any (for charmaine) and state all spontaneous decisions(to mummy)

Love,
Vic.

sure do hope i get a reply soon.

In betweens.

Dear J,

i kinda miss you. stuff we'd do together. jokes i'd crack that you'd laugh to.

i dont really know how to approach the subject. you make me want to better myself. even if it isnt supposed to be for you, or us, for that matter.

it sucks when i see my friends happily attached. it sucks feeling like a third wheel, period. it sucks when i know the endearing stuff people do when alone, and i'm blatantly there, sticking out like a sore thumb. it also sucks when i know you arent the type that can be rushed. i just feel that much more inhibited.

but nothing sucks more than that creeping feeling that i wouldnt be different had you not been there for me or not have appeared in my life. friendship is an involuntary reflex and to some extent, i even feel its pre-ordained.

but what are we?
friends? lovers? in betweens?

then came the hand holdings, the late night giggly suppers, incessantly spontaneous joyful memories and one great big warm hug after, that was it. i was yours. still am. i'm not as unattainable as you think me to be. i dont see why you're tangibly insecure. for the past year i've known you you're the only real girl i've dated since we even knew each other.

but why dont i want to move on even if i feel myself losing priority in your life. you're the long suffering hard working impeccably polite and mannered girl to set me straight. i'd like to think us as beacons in each other's darkness. you compliment me. i'm just full of white hot emo rage and you're what i need. screw what i want.

am i just dreaming up everything, or is what both of us mutually experiencing through each other, tangible. waiting is torturous when reasons stay unknown.

some mistakes need to be made.

because i need to make this mistake with you, thats what.