omg i miss ham. even if he wants to d2 w/o me. (yes i am too lazy to create character and play from lvl 1 on the best resolution of 800x600 only unless they come up with a 1280x1024 patch ftw).
Well, lets see. when i first got to know you. u were teaching me how to play a sven and told me i had bought the wrong items. >_<" then you sent maria home and alvin was like omg such a big fellow send maria home u all not scared ah. come on lets face it. come to think of it, you DO look like a 37yr old divorcee leh.
then omg i kept going over your place and talking to grandma. we went for 2 or 3 golfing thingys with your mum. u helped me take stuff from my old place. then there was the annie thing and not, and yes and no again. in between was jason, sharon, and johnny, fiq, angeline, other jason, eevel, alvin etc. afternoons spent at your school bumming. there was atf. rofl atf. endless suppers, booze, dirty jokes (with of course classy elegant spontaneity by yours truly, ahem!) them there was nokia and i still remember the awkward once only traumatising time we went to the woodlands church. boy what crazy ass ride we've carried each other for.
yes there were down times. i got angry, u got angry. we were both rawr rawr with each other. playing with subtle sarcasms and threading along as well as redefining the line of friendship. in fact i could very well have gone to cj and met u there too. lol. in your batch of course. then there was the whole dotalitics and rgn period too. then there was nokia and a new clique of friends.
A Toast. To wealth wasted on food and taxi's and shopping. To you driving and me giving wrong directions. To oogling at bah bah girls, ber- ding²s/dang²s/dong²s/dung²s/doong's. To movies. to jaychou and chaoge and sunyanzi. to comix. to anime. to my inciting you to liking seafood (prons).
Yam Seng. We've earned it. (">)
September 16, 2007
June 29, 2007
Why.
Do i feel judged. Do i see your displeasure. Do i feel animosity rising.
Do:
I owe a living to you. Or conscience prehaps. I question you? Or doubt you?
If not. Then...
Maybe it'd be nostalgic to see me from your eyes. Trying to put measures unto people. Why dost thou analyse me so? I needn't prove anything to thee. why the need to impose jurisdictions on another who is equally free as thee?
So what if to you i achieve nothing tantamount to what u would regard your own brand of success. So what if i am not the success you are? what grants you the urge to correct me? is it love? sympathy? or dominance. So what if for this whole life i remain optimistic and poor. So what if i scrim and save to stay boderline happy. This is my slippery slope to tackle. Let me.
Even if i wasnt paid. that can be put aside. i never insinuated the need for financial help from you. you wanted help. i gave it. i got nothing much in return really. maybe i am one of few. but if u can win my heart over as a friend its yours. I know i'm not getting paid. i keep quiet.
So what if interest is lost. so what if u have a girlfriend. so what if i will never be like you in the ways that would interest you so. So what if u think your brand of insensitive kindness is virtuous. Some kindnesses are better left dormant. Believe this.
Maybe u obliviously crossed a line. Come on. It was there. You know it was.
Never ask me to shave nor shame me in front of other people over my facial hair ever again.
I will not hesitate to burn bridges.
You want to coerce and traumatise something, kindly channel all that inertia unto something else. Like a certain company somebody works for. Pride comes before a fall. Even for self proclaimed intellectuals.
Rawr.
Do:
I owe a living to you. Or conscience prehaps. I question you? Or doubt you?
If not. Then...
Maybe it'd be nostalgic to see me from your eyes. Trying to put measures unto people. Why dost thou analyse me so? I needn't prove anything to thee. why the need to impose jurisdictions on another who is equally free as thee?
So what if to you i achieve nothing tantamount to what u would regard your own brand of success. So what if i am not the success you are? what grants you the urge to correct me? is it love? sympathy? or dominance. So what if for this whole life i remain optimistic and poor. So what if i scrim and save to stay boderline happy. This is my slippery slope to tackle. Let me.
Even if i wasnt paid. that can be put aside. i never insinuated the need for financial help from you. you wanted help. i gave it. i got nothing much in return really. maybe i am one of few. but if u can win my heart over as a friend its yours. I know i'm not getting paid. i keep quiet.
So what if interest is lost. so what if u have a girlfriend. so what if i will never be like you in the ways that would interest you so. So what if u think your brand of insensitive kindness is virtuous. Some kindnesses are better left dormant. Believe this.
Maybe u obliviously crossed a line. Come on. It was there. You know it was.
Never ask me to shave nor shame me in front of other people over my facial hair ever again.
I will not hesitate to burn bridges.
You want to coerce and traumatise something, kindly channel all that inertia unto something else. Like a certain company somebody works for. Pride comes before a fall. Even for self proclaimed intellectuals.
Rawr.
April 11, 2007
Hmm.
There are 18 letters in your name.
Those 18 letters total to 97
There are 6 vowels and 12 consonants in your name.
What your first name means:Spanish Male Victor. Latin Male Conqueror.
Your number is: 7
The characteristics of #7 are: Analysis, understanding, knowledge, awareness, studious, meditating.
The expression or destiny for #7:
Thought, analysis, introspection, and seclusiveness are all characteristics of the expression number 7. The hallmark of the number 7 is a good mind, and especially good at searching out and finding the truth. You are so very capable of analyzing, judging and discriminating, that very little ever escapes your observation and deep understanding. You are the type of person that can really get involved in a search for wisdom or hidden truths, often becoming an authority on whatever it is your are focusing on. This can easily be of a technical or scientific nature, or it may be religious or occult, it matters very little, you pursue knowledge with the same sort of vigor. You can make a very fine teacher, or because of a natural inclination toward the spiritual, you may become deeply emerged in religious affairs or even psychic explorations. You tend to operate on a rather different wavelength, and many of your friends may not really know you very well. The positive aspects of the 7 expression are that you can be a true perfectionist in a very positive sense of the word. You are very logical, and usually employ a quite rational approach to most things you do. You can be so rational at times that you almost seem to lack emotion, and when you are faced with an emotional situation, you may have a bit of a problem coping with it. You have excellent capabilities to study and learn really deep and difficult subjects, and to search for hidden fundamentals. At full maturity you are likely to be a very peaceful and poised individual.
If there is an over supply of the number 7 in your makeup, the negative aspects of the number may be apparent. The chief negative of 7 relates to the limited degree of trust that you may have in people. A tendency to be highly introverted can make you a bit on the self-centered side, certainly very much self-contained . Because of this, you are not very adaptable, and you may tend to be overly critical and intolerant. You really like to work alone, at your own pace and in your own way. You neither show or understand emotions very well.
Your Soul Urge number is: 3
A Soul Urge number of 3 means:
With the Soul Urge number 3 your desire in life is personal expression, and generally enjoying life to its fullest. You want to participate in an active social life and enjoy a large circle of friends. You want to be in the limelight, expressing your artistic or intellectual talents. Word skills may be your thing; speaking, writing, acting, singing. In a positive sense, the 3 energy is friendly, outgoing and always very social.
You have a decidedly upbeat attitude that is rarely discouraged; a good mental and emotional balance.
The 3 Soul Urge gives intuitive insight, thus, very high creative and inspirational tendencies. The truly outstanding trait shown by the 3 Soul Urge is that of self-expression, regardless of the field of endeavor.
On the negative side, you may at times become too easygoing and too optimistic, tending to scatter forces and accomplish very little. Often, the excessive 3 energy produces non-stop talkers. Everyone has faults, but the 3 soul urge doesn't appreciate having these pointed out.
Your Inner Dream number is: 4
An Inner Dream number of 4 means:
You dream of being a very solid citizen that people can depend upon. You strive for organization and predictable order. You want to be recognized as a person with a plan and the discipline to make that plan work like clockwork.
http://www.paulsadowski.com/NameData.asp
Soul Path 3:
- The Life Path 3 indicates that you entered this plane with a strong sense of creativity and with wonderful communication skills. Achievement for you most likely comes through engaging your ingenious expression. A truly gifted 3 possesses the most exceptional innovative skills, normally in the verbal realm, writing, speaking, acting, or similar endeavors. Here we are apt to find the entertainers of the world, bright, effervescent, sparkling people with very optimistic attitudes. The bright side of this path stresses harmony, beauty and pleasures; of sharing your inventive talents with the world. Capturing your capability in creative self-expression is the highest level of attainment for this life path.
Life is generally lived to the fullest, often without much worry about tomorrow. You are not very good at handling money because of a general lack of concern about it. You spend it when you have it and don't when you don't.
The 3 loves connecting with people. The characteristics of the 3 are warmth and friendliness, a good conversationalist, social and open. A good talker both from the standpoint of being a delight to listen to, but even more importantly, one who has the ability to listen to others. Accordingly, the life path 3 produces individuals who are always a welcome addition to any social situation and know how to make others feel at home. The approach to life tends to be exceedingly positive. Your disposition is almost surely sunny and openhearted. A happy and often inspired person, you are constantly seeking and needing the stimuli of similar people.
There is a remote side to your 3 Life Path, as well. This comes as a surprise to the native and to those who think they are well acquainted. The 3 is actually a very sensitive soul. When hurt, you can easily retreat to a shell of morose silence for extended periods. Nonetheless, the 3 eventually copes with all of the many setbacks that occur in life and readily bounces back for more. It is usually easy for you to deal with problems because you can freely admit the existence of problems without letting them get you down for too long. Because of your own sensitivity to hurt, you have a caring disposition and seem to be very conscious of other people's feelings and emotions.
In romance, the 3 is a very ardent and loyal lover. Affairs that don't go well can leave scares that seem to linger. Emotional experiences of all sorts tend to deeply touch the 3 and the drama may take some time to play out. Regrettably, the giving disposition of the 3 often attracts demanding partners. As with most of life's issues for the 3 Life Path, balance in relationships is illusive.
Your big test with a 3 Life Path is controlling your highs and lows. You won't survive very well in any routine environment or when you are placed under dominating management. Slow thinking and overly contemplative people tend to frustrate you, and you don't function too well with this type whether you are working for, with, or under them. Your exuberant nature can take you far, especially if you are ever able to focus your energies and talents.
For the few living on the negative side of this Life Path, a 3 may be so delighted with the joy of living that the life becomes frivolous and superficial. You may scatter your abilities and express little sense of purpose. The 3 can be an enigma, for no apparent reason you may become moody and tend to retreat. Escapist tendencies are not uncommon with the 3 life path, and you find it very hard to settle into one place or one position. Guard against being critical of others, impatient, intolerant, or overly optimistic.
Dream symbol: number four, 4, four, fours, fourth, 4
Interpretation:
A number of wholeness and security
Symmetry
Sudden and great change
Symbolic of the beginning of a new cycle, completion of an old cycle, or universal wholeness e.g. four phases of the moon, four compass points, four seasons, four elements
Transcendence into a higher realm
A homonym for being in support of something, standing for it
May indicate a person who behaves unconventionally, is non-materialistic, inventive, tolerant and an individualist
April 01, 2007
Remnants of Winnie the Pooh.
Do you know how its like to be lonely?
To know people care, but harbour suspicion about their intentions?
To feel like you know too much?
To feel almost as though you are hiding life's secrets?
To want to cry but have no tears in your eyes even when its forced?
To hear sad songs and never have feelings anymore?
I'm all alone. I've tread the roads I never would have thought I'd tread.
I've felt lonely. I've been there. I do.
If i hadn't seen such riches, I'd make do with living poor.
I do.
To know people care, but harbour suspicion about their intentions?
To feel like you know too much?
To feel almost as though you are hiding life's secrets?
To want to cry but have no tears in your eyes even when its forced?
To hear sad songs and never have feelings anymore?
I'm all alone. I've tread the roads I never would have thought I'd tread.
I've felt lonely. I've been there. I do.
If i hadn't seen such riches, I'd make do with living poor.
I do.
March 12, 2007
Revelation.
The above woodcuts are from Passional of Christ and Antichrist of 1521, illustrated by Lucas Cranach with captions by Martin Luther. These were the themes of other illustrations:
Christ fled from an earthly crown — Antichrist ever seeks earthly dominion
Christ is given a crown of thorns — Antichrist wears a triple crown of gold
Christ paid taxes — The Pope is exempt from taxes
Christ lived in humble poverty — Antichrist fares sumptuously
Christ was bowed to earth with the cross — The Pope is carried about in state
Christ rode into Jerusalem on a humble ass — Antichrist rides a beautiful, caparisoned steed
Christ sought neither silver nor gold — Antichrist rules cities and empires
Christ's kingdom was not with observation — Antichrist subjects the whole world
Christ drove out the moneychangers — The Pope sells indulgences.
Christ ascends to heaven — The Pope will descend into hell
Martin Luther summarized in a later edition of Passional of Christ and Antichrist:
"Christ and the pope are here presented opposite each other. Please note the case of each. It will not be difficult for you to decide whether or not the pope is the Antichrist, who is against our Lord Jesus Christ."
Ice Cream ftw.
Something i found online. Enjoy.
Amen.
Greetings! This reminds me of the caption "Out of the mouths of babes." The message was so precious that I had to send it on. Enjoy!
Saying Grace In A RestaurantLast week, I took my children to a restaurant.My six-year-old son asked if he could say grace.As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Mom gets us ice cream fordessert. And Liberty and justice for all! Amen!"Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?" As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job,and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentlemanapproached the table.
He winked at my son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer." "Really?" my son asked. "Cross my heart," the man replied.Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."Naturally, I bought my kids ice cream at the end of the meal. My son stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the rest of my life.He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here,this is for you. Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes; and my soul is good already!Amen.
February 27, 2007
Asphyxiate.
RT. Tests. Marketing Project to hand up. Getting more freelancing offers for IT. Moving. Momentum. Pumping stats. Washing last buckets of clothes. Change teases. Build. Repair. Reinforce. Much goes into self revolution. Thinking of those I've met. Those I will meet. Those that I will never again.
This is good. I like it.
Yet her i still miss. Yearn. Be breathless over.
Cuddle me. Embrace me. The warmth of our lips, pounding our hearts, exciting our lungs, exhilarating our limbs, escalating urge tears down walls we've built, asunder, tingling touch, art thou forlorn? To be Loved. Accepted. Whole again. I want it.
For now. Patience. Whilst my rejuvenate.
Asphyxiate.
This is good. I like it.
Yet her i still miss. Yearn. Be breathless over.
Cuddle me. Embrace me. The warmth of our lips, pounding our hearts, exciting our lungs, exhilarating our limbs, escalating urge tears down walls we've built, asunder, tingling touch, art thou forlorn? To be Loved. Accepted. Whole again. I want it.
For now. Patience. Whilst my rejuvenate.
Asphyxiate.
February 06, 2007
Baby Ben.
I am convinced the guy's a Grade A asshole. Went out with Janan and Victor today to do some Chinese New Year shopping. Janan was late so I was stuck with Victor for a good 20mins(which was far too long).
You think i wanted to go out with u meh. lol. Nevermind. Cast the first stone eh. Game on.
Tried talking to the guy but got that really fucked up attitude.
Why did u have to call and be impatient and rude when Janan already informed me. Nevermind. Don't think i'll give u a chance at any remotely positive change period. Forget about going out dude. Quarantine yourself at best. Stop being a social hazard. Yes u were rude. Very. and if all 23yrs of your life you're unable to detect nor rectify that. Then maybe you need to study from primary school again. get reacquainted with juvenile mentalities. Hopefully it isn't too much trauma. Don't let those kids pwn you.
I thought things were fine cause last week when the guys came over to celebrate my birthday, I could talk to Victor without any animosity. But today while we were alone, the fucker gave that obnoxious high and mighty attitude.
You need lessons in embracing friendship. You also need to shape the way to talk to people. "oh sorry, I'm ben., I'm like that. I don't see the need to refine any part of me for any one i know. Its me. You have to accept it" Good Luck then. Explains everything. Thats right. And to think you want pussy somemore. How la u tell me. Give up.
I know the dick only does it to me.
You are the only acquaintance who brazenly does this 10 years after knowing someone. Try triggering your own change before u expect people to spontaneously respond to you positively. Oh yes, did i mention maybe you need to try the prior before u expect the latter? Oh. disclaimer clause then. Want to laminate this put big big in your room? (i actually have to point it out to you)
Perhaps he feels that with a longer academic history than mine, it's justified for him to do so.
Nah. actually if you do the math right. You have in total the longest education history. Something must be wrong somewhere. You? Or the education? Choose.
I've got two words for you Victor. F-U-C-K Y-O-U! The only reason why I put up with your shit is because I didn't want to jeopardise my friendship with Dom and Janan.
Wanna know why all of you will never jeopardise me? Cause it can't. Noobs keep friendships through tolerating crap just because they naively think thats the way it should be. Maybe Janan wants to side you out of pity. Dominic clearly knows better. Okay lor. how much pity can there be before he gives up to. Ponder ponder. Please la. First you send logs then u blog? Dom thinks we have a problem? No. WE dont have a problem. I just do. its called you. You have a problem too. Its similar to mine. Its you too.
You're just the unfortunate shit end that comes with that friendship. The dickhead pretended to accord me some respect only when Janan was around.
Actually i don't. Why would i need to accord u respect even. Janan knows i hate you. Cause i do. I think you might be abit deluded, because my respect for Janan is purely his. Not yours. Never will be, ever. Stop dreaming. Even if your delusional persona cant help feeling rubbed with respect, I am reconfirming with you, so you don't misunderstand. And wait wait, you better double check the definition of friendship too. Sure u fit the criteria?(my own opinion of course, unless the 2 of them ponder about this too)
But during the times when Janan was elsewhere and we were left alone, the fucker pretended I was invisible.
You should be. Clearly u don't understand by now, that i never bother resorting to mind games with acquaintances.
Honestly Victor, do you think I give a crap about your opinions towards me? NEWSFLASH! I couldn't give a rat's ass about it. You can jolly well rot in hell for all I care.
Newsflash. You already ARE rotting. I'm the salt disinfecting you. Janan's the warm bandage around the wound that is you. Guess what happens to wounds not disinfected and wrapped with bandage. Over time they continue to rot. Your friends arent the ones that molly coddle you and feed your delusional presumptions of this world. Wake up your fucking idea. Doesn't matter if you care ben. You never did. And proven, you never will either. What matters is whoever reads this can glean something from it.
Grow up out of whatever childhood trauma u think is afflicting you. I have. For someone who hates u so much. And abhors any core of you. I still believe you can. You just have no faith in yourself have you. The way u talk, the way u carry your mannerisms. Enough. You want to say something, say it. Don't go around people and try being self righteous first. All of me will bring you down for that.
Watch.
You think i wanted to go out with u meh. lol. Nevermind. Cast the first stone eh. Game on.
Tried talking to the guy but got that really fucked up attitude.
Why did u have to call and be impatient and rude when Janan already informed me. Nevermind. Don't think i'll give u a chance at any remotely positive change period. Forget about going out dude. Quarantine yourself at best. Stop being a social hazard. Yes u were rude. Very. and if all 23yrs of your life you're unable to detect nor rectify that. Then maybe you need to study from primary school again. get reacquainted with juvenile mentalities. Hopefully it isn't too much trauma. Don't let those kids pwn you.
I thought things were fine cause last week when the guys came over to celebrate my birthday, I could talk to Victor without any animosity. But today while we were alone, the fucker gave that obnoxious high and mighty attitude.
You need lessons in embracing friendship. You also need to shape the way to talk to people. "oh sorry, I'm ben., I'm like that. I don't see the need to refine any part of me for any one i know. Its me. You have to accept it" Good Luck then. Explains everything. Thats right. And to think you want pussy somemore. How la u tell me. Give up.
I know the dick only does it to me.
You are the only acquaintance who brazenly does this 10 years after knowing someone. Try triggering your own change before u expect people to spontaneously respond to you positively. Oh yes, did i mention maybe you need to try the prior before u expect the latter? Oh. disclaimer clause then. Want to laminate this put big big in your room? (i actually have to point it out to you)
Perhaps he feels that with a longer academic history than mine, it's justified for him to do so.
Nah. actually if you do the math right. You have in total the longest education history. Something must be wrong somewhere. You? Or the education? Choose.
I've got two words for you Victor. F-U-C-K Y-O-U! The only reason why I put up with your shit is because I didn't want to jeopardise my friendship with Dom and Janan.
Wanna know why all of you will never jeopardise me? Cause it can't. Noobs keep friendships through tolerating crap just because they naively think thats the way it should be. Maybe Janan wants to side you out of pity. Dominic clearly knows better. Okay lor. how much pity can there be before he gives up to. Ponder ponder. Please la. First you send logs then u blog? Dom thinks we have a problem? No. WE dont have a problem. I just do. its called you. You have a problem too. Its similar to mine. Its you too.
You're just the unfortunate shit end that comes with that friendship. The dickhead pretended to accord me some respect only when Janan was around.
Actually i don't. Why would i need to accord u respect even. Janan knows i hate you. Cause i do. I think you might be abit deluded, because my respect for Janan is purely his. Not yours. Never will be, ever. Stop dreaming. Even if your delusional persona cant help feeling rubbed with respect, I am reconfirming with you, so you don't misunderstand. And wait wait, you better double check the definition of friendship too. Sure u fit the criteria?(my own opinion of course, unless the 2 of them ponder about this too)
But during the times when Janan was elsewhere and we were left alone, the fucker pretended I was invisible.
You should be. Clearly u don't understand by now, that i never bother resorting to mind games with acquaintances.
Honestly Victor, do you think I give a crap about your opinions towards me? NEWSFLASH! I couldn't give a rat's ass about it. You can jolly well rot in hell for all I care.
Newsflash. You already ARE rotting. I'm the salt disinfecting you. Janan's the warm bandage around the wound that is you. Guess what happens to wounds not disinfected and wrapped with bandage. Over time they continue to rot. Your friends arent the ones that molly coddle you and feed your delusional presumptions of this world. Wake up your fucking idea. Doesn't matter if you care ben. You never did. And proven, you never will either. What matters is whoever reads this can glean something from it.
Grow up out of whatever childhood trauma u think is afflicting you. I have. For someone who hates u so much. And abhors any core of you. I still believe you can. You just have no faith in yourself have you. The way u talk, the way u carry your mannerisms. Enough. You want to say something, say it. Don't go around people and try being self righteous first. All of me will bring you down for that.
Watch.
January 25, 2007
January 23, 2007
Grateful.
Victor and Vanquished says:
yes but even with a job
it dont take away the pain
from a broken family
estranged dad
submissive mum
i cut myself from him.
i dont want his fucking house
nor his dumb fucking will.
i dont need all that dad.
i need u to love.
your kids.
your wife.
stop using them as plaforms to put down just for your ego boost
stop convincing yourself ur a great dad
stop falsifying an alternate reality to your friends
stop lying about me
stop going to my tution kid's house and telling the mother i am a bad tutor when the kid gets distinctions
stop saying u love the family
stop thinking that just because u provide for a family that that = u are a good dad.
stop thinking that just because we dont feed your fucking ego that we disagree u are a good dad
just stop trying so hard. yes your idea of a good dad is shallow
but its not as if we wanted more from you
we never ask from you
we never demand anything from u
is it not enough?
is it not enough u dont give me any money when i end jc.
is it not enough i have never asked a single cent from u
for 5 years
and u kick me out of the house u so desperately cling on to
u tell me u cut off everything when i have been paying my own bills
u call my gf a slut when she sees the jem in me and spends more time with me?
u had to insult her family?
grow up dad.
period.
stop trying to fly off to shanghai for chinese new year just so people forget me.
i make too much of an impression. people we know all like me
they will know.
stop defending yourself
stop telling yourself u have a bad son
stop forcing people into a corner and then when they pwn your silly outbursts with one or 2 sentences
then u get so frustrated and offended
stop saying this son will die when he leaves your protection. he never had it from u. and u never gave it either.
one year now he's left your house
he's okay.
he's grown up abit.
made friends
worked log hours
this son started working earlier than even you.
grandma didnt kick u out when u were in a critical age?
then how do u think its fair i leave just to appease you
i left to show u that u arent as great as u think.
i survive as testament to the bad father u are.
i survive for my friends
i survive to experience life
i survive to know more about the people around me
i learnt my glib from you
at first all was rosy
how did u pervert such beauty of father and son to such depths?
never will i want to know anymore
traumatise me u might have
stronger i have become.
when u pushed me i stood my gound
when i pushed back u fell
u bled.
i saw fear in your eyes
fear in a father of his son
then it must be undone.
for a father who fears his son is not worthy of being a father.
that perversion said much about you and what u believed in
enough then.
off i go
greener pastures await
the pain has not ended
the toil is not done
but with this
u have reinforced my resolve.
in many twisted ways.
thank you dad.
yes but even with a job
it dont take away the pain
from a broken family
estranged dad
submissive mum
i cut myself from him.
i dont want his fucking house
nor his dumb fucking will.
i dont need all that dad.
i need u to love.
your kids.
your wife.
stop using them as plaforms to put down just for your ego boost
stop convincing yourself ur a great dad
stop falsifying an alternate reality to your friends
stop lying about me
stop going to my tution kid's house and telling the mother i am a bad tutor when the kid gets distinctions
stop saying u love the family
stop thinking that just because u provide for a family that that = u are a good dad.
stop thinking that just because we dont feed your fucking ego that we disagree u are a good dad
just stop trying so hard. yes your idea of a good dad is shallow
but its not as if we wanted more from you
we never ask from you
we never demand anything from u
is it not enough?
is it not enough u dont give me any money when i end jc.
is it not enough i have never asked a single cent from u
for 5 years
and u kick me out of the house u so desperately cling on to
u tell me u cut off everything when i have been paying my own bills
u call my gf a slut when she sees the jem in me and spends more time with me?
u had to insult her family?
grow up dad.
period.
stop trying to fly off to shanghai for chinese new year just so people forget me.
i make too much of an impression. people we know all like me
they will know.
stop defending yourself
stop telling yourself u have a bad son
stop forcing people into a corner and then when they pwn your silly outbursts with one or 2 sentences
then u get so frustrated and offended
stop saying this son will die when he leaves your protection. he never had it from u. and u never gave it either.
one year now he's left your house
he's okay.
he's grown up abit.
made friends
worked log hours
this son started working earlier than even you.
grandma didnt kick u out when u were in a critical age?
then how do u think its fair i leave just to appease you
i left to show u that u arent as great as u think.
i survive as testament to the bad father u are.
i survive for my friends
i survive to experience life
i survive to know more about the people around me
i learnt my glib from you
at first all was rosy
how did u pervert such beauty of father and son to such depths?
never will i want to know anymore
traumatise me u might have
stronger i have become.
when u pushed me i stood my gound
when i pushed back u fell
u bled.
i saw fear in your eyes
fear in a father of his son
then it must be undone.
for a father who fears his son is not worthy of being a father.
that perversion said much about you and what u believed in
enough then.
off i go
greener pastures await
the pain has not ended
the toil is not done
but with this
u have reinforced my resolve.
in many twisted ways.
thank you dad.
January 21, 2007
Love Floats.
Need we space and time
For what is real and sublime?
Where do we, ourselves, align
Lying lost, confused yet dormant, benign
Would thee not, with space, embrace
Prefer thou not, a kiss, rekindle bliss.
Hath ye not, yearned fires of desire
Joys beyond all pleasure and measure.
January 15, 2007
Demented. Distraught. Deranged.
You are The Devil
Materiality. Material Force. Material temptation; sometimes obsession
The Devil is often a great card for business success; hard work and ambition.
Perhaps the most misunderstood of all the major arcana, the Devil is not really "Satan" at all, but Pan the half-goat nature god and/or Dionysius. These are gods of pleasure and abandon, of wild behavior and unbridled desires. This is a card about ambitions; it is also synonymous with temptation and addiction. On the flip side, however, the card can be a warning to someone who is too restrained, someone who never allows themselves to get passionate or messy or wild - or ambitious. This, too, is a form of enslavement. As a person, the Devil can stand for a man of money or erotic power, aggressive, controlling, or just persuasive. This is not to say a bad man, but certainly a powerful man who is hard to resist. The important thing is to remember that any chain is freely worn. In most cases, you are enslaved only because you allow it.
What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.
January 04, 2007
no.
i never dreamt of the wierd possibilities u made me out to be. nor have i side analysed people that way. nor have i abhored people for their circumstance. never will i say i am this way just because. then again. if u do ponder. and also if i am the hypocritical fence sitter i am made out to be, i will say generic infallible statements to garner good faith. i do not.
if u think i hate him because he has a girlfriend. then u dont know me well. (whats so great about her, really)
if u think i hate him because he has a broken family, u must be nuts. (as if i dont have one)
once again. if u feel you arent one to generate bias upon circumstance. what makes u think i do?
so someone decides to send u a log (he is faultless for what i deem to be a minor infringement) and you are shocked? (why not with him?)
i may covet true happiness and a warm family. but never to the point of soulful oblivion, thank you. still i will be occupied supporting myself. coming to my empty bed. falling asleep drunk with could have beens i have been yes, weak to fufil (should i truely have been able to)
when u earn 1.2k. and pay 400 for rent. 120 for your bills and pay off a japan trip and are left with nothing. seriosuly. u dont have time for angst. you would be nervous over pettier needs like a roof over your head and whether u have enough pocket money for school next semester.
i dont think u fathom this side of life. army may be close but not close enough.yes, work hard now. no one is saying you shouldnt. but it doesnt mean u are exempt from other struggles in your life. and please stop saying its a choice i made. would it be sane to say it is a choice u made to pursue your studies? (with no consideration other pre-requisites have already been made, to allow u to?) those pre-requisites i need to tackle right now. choice is an intricacy pretty complex to analyse. broken down, it is easily deludes the analyser. results garnered are still fallible by invigorated information.
this never was about those people. somehow if u bring it there. then there already has been much u have chosen to not say, when a friend should have.
and no. this definitely does not feed any egos of mine. its quite a piece of suffering to be in where i am. never will i feel fending for one's self in a critical age makes me stronger than my peers.
you dont see the weakness within. (maybe not even for you)
yes you are right. dota is a test for me. typing sheep to remind someone to coordinate teamwork isnt really a flame. nor typing blink to someone else who forgets he has it. if its a game to be fun for you. then dont be affected by what people say. simple. just say victor is like that lor. just write it off. same what. i also write how people play off. never will i say you are good or lousy with calculated thought. games are flurries of impulses. everything is forgotten when it ends.
true friends fathom. lets try. not for convenience, nor just because, nor because we've been friends from acquaintances for so long. nor because we're lazy to know other people. (sometimes understanding that people chose others over us for greater reasons is a humbling virtue as well)
oh and i was being yelled a bastard or an idiot quite loudly on your birthday in front of all your friends and family. to have 20 pairs of eyes on you sux. so i left shortly after. no i didnt talk about it. i tried to fathom. (surely it was an impulse. nvm. friendship>all)
fear only what u fathom. else they be phantoms.
friendship ftw.
if u think i hate him because he has a girlfriend. then u dont know me well. (whats so great about her, really)
if u think i hate him because he has a broken family, u must be nuts. (as if i dont have one)
once again. if u feel you arent one to generate bias upon circumstance. what makes u think i do?
so someone decides to send u a log (he is faultless for what i deem to be a minor infringement) and you are shocked? (why not with him?)
i may covet true happiness and a warm family. but never to the point of soulful oblivion, thank you. still i will be occupied supporting myself. coming to my empty bed. falling asleep drunk with could have beens i have been yes, weak to fufil (should i truely have been able to)
when u earn 1.2k. and pay 400 for rent. 120 for your bills and pay off a japan trip and are left with nothing. seriosuly. u dont have time for angst. you would be nervous over pettier needs like a roof over your head and whether u have enough pocket money for school next semester.
i dont think u fathom this side of life. army may be close but not close enough.yes, work hard now. no one is saying you shouldnt. but it doesnt mean u are exempt from other struggles in your life. and please stop saying its a choice i made. would it be sane to say it is a choice u made to pursue your studies? (with no consideration other pre-requisites have already been made, to allow u to?) those pre-requisites i need to tackle right now. choice is an intricacy pretty complex to analyse. broken down, it is easily deludes the analyser. results garnered are still fallible by invigorated information.
this never was about those people. somehow if u bring it there. then there already has been much u have chosen to not say, when a friend should have.
and no. this definitely does not feed any egos of mine. its quite a piece of suffering to be in where i am. never will i feel fending for one's self in a critical age makes me stronger than my peers.
you dont see the weakness within. (maybe not even for you)
yes you are right. dota is a test for me. typing sheep to remind someone to coordinate teamwork isnt really a flame. nor typing blink to someone else who forgets he has it. if its a game to be fun for you. then dont be affected by what people say. simple. just say victor is like that lor. just write it off. same what. i also write how people play off. never will i say you are good or lousy with calculated thought. games are flurries of impulses. everything is forgotten when it ends.
true friends fathom. lets try. not for convenience, nor just because, nor because we've been friends from acquaintances for so long. nor because we're lazy to know other people. (sometimes understanding that people chose others over us for greater reasons is a humbling virtue as well)
oh and i was being yelled a bastard or an idiot quite loudly on your birthday in front of all your friends and family. to have 20 pairs of eyes on you sux. so i left shortly after. no i didnt talk about it. i tried to fathom. (surely it was an impulse. nvm. friendship>all)
fear only what u fathom. else they be phantoms.
friendship ftw.
January 02, 2007
New Year.
Pondering...
Somehow or rather. I choose to not go to changi airport to pick someone up or welcome him home. How dumb can this get. Seriously. You want to pick your boyfriend up then okay. go ahead. u asked me to plan and give u details, you went ahead to do what u want. i gave a place for dinner, u said no. u wanted to meet at the airport 3 hours ahead of time to eat and talk and you are afriad we'd be late. I dont really know what u decided to tell anyone else. but if u all had fucking plans. then why the fuck meet for dinner? meet at airport 10pm for an arrival at 1030. simple. u want to eat dinner at your place then dont ask anyone else to plan a place to eat. if you are going to overrule everything. then kindly not ask anyone to 'decide for you and give u details'. Negotiation is an art u do not have. arts scholar u may be. that requires 2 parties coming to an agreement. which somehow or rather u are either too pigheaded or egotistical to come to. you know who you are.
'explain why you are not there to him'. really. refer to above. i had enough of people like this in my life. EQ? thy dares breach into this realm? a higher EQ person cannot flare up at lower EQ people?. Nope. this isnt low EQ. its blatant in nature. choice has been done. you show your ugly side to people and you think they are stupid? no. they choose to let you be. either u arent worth changing much. or you never will anyways. why bother. did he specify he wants to see us or pick us up? no. just because people are available for things to be done doesnt mean that they should or will. expectance of this is naively proving one has a low EQ. So i see. when you have exams and have no time and choose not to put friends (or different friends due to different personal reasons) first but yourself. that is altruistically right? then we are both sinless.
Being a true friend is more than telling a friend what he wants to hear. nor telling him what u have tailored, what may be a horrid attempt at tact. if you hope people understand you yet make no effort to yourself to understand truly, people, in their conditions or reasons why they have done what they have done, to be whatever they are. then you have not crossed a tier far more worthy than a man's worth. if u choose to insist a person is wrong with all of you. then there can be no hope for any sort of kinship ties. judge not people. but circumstance. once u have analysed such as prior. then analyse choice. if u are traumatised or affected by eventuality, and have no access or no such comfort of the above, then cast not the first stone. if you are so free to analyse so much. you wont be who you are anymore. this opens a whole new topic of life choice and outcome which few are willing to dare themselves out to being.
'treasure that group of friends' if this be a true regard. amen. i will see forth such. if it be smite, then thou has no leverage to cast this stone.
what are we but souls? seek we not pleasures of flesh and mind? challenge you i forever shall, yet hold a torch for you, always i will. this is friendship. rather, soulship. remember this, forsake you i never shall. such length i am prepared to go for a true friend. maybe i should move on.
should our paths cross on this dark and dimly lit road, give thou a smile and thou shalt embrace thy soul with a tear.
Somehow or rather. I choose to not go to changi airport to pick someone up or welcome him home. How dumb can this get. Seriously. You want to pick your boyfriend up then okay. go ahead. u asked me to plan and give u details, you went ahead to do what u want. i gave a place for dinner, u said no. u wanted to meet at the airport 3 hours ahead of time to eat and talk and you are afriad we'd be late. I dont really know what u decided to tell anyone else. but if u all had fucking plans. then why the fuck meet for dinner? meet at airport 10pm for an arrival at 1030. simple. u want to eat dinner at your place then dont ask anyone else to plan a place to eat. if you are going to overrule everything. then kindly not ask anyone to 'decide for you and give u details'. Negotiation is an art u do not have. arts scholar u may be. that requires 2 parties coming to an agreement. which somehow or rather u are either too pigheaded or egotistical to come to. you know who you are.
'explain why you are not there to him'. really. refer to above. i had enough of people like this in my life. EQ? thy dares breach into this realm? a higher EQ person cannot flare up at lower EQ people?. Nope. this isnt low EQ. its blatant in nature. choice has been done. you show your ugly side to people and you think they are stupid? no. they choose to let you be. either u arent worth changing much. or you never will anyways. why bother. did he specify he wants to see us or pick us up? no. just because people are available for things to be done doesnt mean that they should or will. expectance of this is naively proving one has a low EQ. So i see. when you have exams and have no time and choose not to put friends (or different friends due to different personal reasons) first but yourself. that is altruistically right? then we are both sinless.
Being a true friend is more than telling a friend what he wants to hear. nor telling him what u have tailored, what may be a horrid attempt at tact. if you hope people understand you yet make no effort to yourself to understand truly, people, in their conditions or reasons why they have done what they have done, to be whatever they are. then you have not crossed a tier far more worthy than a man's worth. if u choose to insist a person is wrong with all of you. then there can be no hope for any sort of kinship ties. judge not people. but circumstance. once u have analysed such as prior. then analyse choice. if u are traumatised or affected by eventuality, and have no access or no such comfort of the above, then cast not the first stone. if you are so free to analyse so much. you wont be who you are anymore. this opens a whole new topic of life choice and outcome which few are willing to dare themselves out to being.
'treasure that group of friends' if this be a true regard. amen. i will see forth such. if it be smite, then thou has no leverage to cast this stone.
what are we but souls? seek we not pleasures of flesh and mind? challenge you i forever shall, yet hold a torch for you, always i will. this is friendship. rather, soulship. remember this, forsake you i never shall. such length i am prepared to go for a true friend. maybe i should move on.
should our paths cross on this dark and dimly lit road, give thou a smile and thou shalt embrace thy soul with a tear.
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