Cuddles ftw.

Grateful.

Victor and Vanquished says:

yes but even with a job
it dont take away the pain
from a broken family
estranged dad
submissive mum
i cut myself from him.
i dont want his fucking house
nor his dumb fucking will.
i dont need all that dad.
i need u to love.
your kids.
your wife.
stop using them as plaforms to put down just for your ego boost
stop convincing yourself ur a great dad
stop falsifying an alternate reality to your friends
stop lying about me
stop going to my tution kid's house and telling the mother i am a bad tutor when the kid gets distinctions
stop saying u love the family
stop thinking that just because u provide for a family that that = u are a good dad.
stop thinking that just because we dont feed your fucking ego that we disagree u are a good dad
just stop trying so hard. yes your idea of a good dad is shallow
but its not as if we wanted more from you
we never ask from you
we never demand anything from u
is it not enough?
is it not enough u dont give me any money when i end jc.
is it not enough i have never asked a single cent from u
for 5 years
and u kick me out of the house u so desperately cling on to
u tell me u cut off everything when i have been paying my own bills
u call my gf a slut when she sees the jem in me and spends more time with me?
u had to insult her family?
grow up dad.
period.
stop trying to fly off to shanghai for chinese new year just so people forget me.
i make too much of an impression. people we know all like me
they will know.
stop defending yourself
stop telling yourself u have a bad son
stop forcing people into a corner and then when they pwn your silly outbursts with one or 2 sentences
then u get so frustrated and offended
stop saying this son will die when he leaves your protection. he never had it from u. and u never gave it either.
one year now he's left your house
he's okay.
he's grown up abit.
made friends
worked log hours
this son started working earlier than even you.
grandma didnt kick u out when u were in a critical age?
then how do u think its fair i leave just to appease you
i left to show u that u arent as great as u think.
i survive as testament to the bad father u are.
i survive for my friends
i survive to experience life
i survive to know more about the people around me
i learnt my glib from you
at first all was rosy
how did u pervert such beauty of father and son to such depths?
never will i want to know anymore
traumatise me u might have
stronger i have become.
when u pushed me i stood my gound
when i pushed back u fell
u bled.
i saw fear in your eyes
fear in a father of his son
then it must be undone.
for a father who fears his son is not worthy of being a father.
that perversion said much about you and what u believed in
enough then.
off i go
greener pastures await
the pain has not ended
the toil is not done
but with this
u have reinforced my resolve.
in many twisted ways.

thank you dad.

Love Floats.

Need we space and time

For what is real and sublime?

Where do we, ourselves, align

Lying lost, confused yet dormant, benign

Would thee not, with space, embrace

Prefer thou not, a kiss, rekindle bliss.

Hath ye not, yearned fires of desire

Joys beyond all pleasure and measure.

Demented. Distraught. Deranged.

You are The Devil

Materiality. Material Force. Material temptation; sometimes obsession

The Devil is often a great card for business success; hard work and ambition.

Perhaps the most misunderstood of all the major arcana, the Devil is not really "Satan" at all, but Pan the half-goat nature god and/or Dionysius. These are gods of pleasure and abandon, of wild behavior and unbridled desires. This is a card about ambitions; it is also synonymous with temptation and addiction. On the flip side, however, the card can be a warning to someone who is too restrained, someone who never allows themselves to get passionate or messy or wild - or ambitious. This, too, is a form of enslavement. As a person, the Devil can stand for a man of money or erotic power, aggressive, controlling, or just persuasive. This is not to say a bad man, but certainly a powerful man who is hard to resist. The important thing is to remember that any chain is freely worn. In most cases, you are enslaved only because you allow it.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

no.

i never dreamt of the wierd possibilities u made me out to be. nor have i side analysed people that way. nor have i abhored people for their circumstance. never will i say i am this way just because. then again. if u do ponder. and also if i am the hypocritical fence sitter i am made out to be, i will say generic infallible statements to garner good faith. i do not.

if u think i hate him because he has a girlfriend. then u dont know me well. (whats so great about her, really)

if u think i hate him because he has a broken family, u must be nuts. (as if i dont have one)

once again. if u feel you arent one to generate bias upon circumstance. what makes u think i do?

so someone decides to send u a log (he is faultless for what i deem to be a minor infringement) and you are shocked? (why not with him?)

i may covet true happiness and a warm family. but never to the point of soulful oblivion, thank you. still i will be occupied supporting myself. coming to my empty bed. falling asleep drunk with could have beens i have been yes, weak to fufil (should i truely have been able to)

when u earn 1.2k. and pay 400 for rent. 120 for your bills and pay off a japan trip and are left with nothing. seriosuly. u dont have time for angst. you would be nervous over pettier needs like a roof over your head and whether u have enough pocket money for school next semester.

i dont think u fathom this side of life. army may be close but not close enough.yes, work hard now. no one is saying you shouldnt. but it doesnt mean u are exempt from other struggles in your life. and please stop saying its a choice i made. would it be sane to say it is a choice u made to pursue your studies? (with no consideration other pre-requisites have already been made, to allow u to?) those pre-requisites i need to tackle right now. choice is an intricacy pretty complex to analyse. broken down, it is easily deludes the analyser. results garnered are still fallible by invigorated information.

this never was about those people. somehow if u bring it there. then there already has been much u have chosen to not say, when a friend should have.

and no. this definitely does not feed any egos of mine. its quite a piece of suffering to be in where i am. never will i feel fending for one's self in a critical age makes me stronger than my peers.

you dont see the weakness within. (maybe not even for you)

yes you are right. dota is a test for me. typing sheep to remind someone to coordinate teamwork isnt really a flame. nor typing blink to someone else who forgets he has it. if its a game to be fun for you. then dont be affected by what people say. simple. just say victor is like that lor. just write it off. same what. i also write how people play off. never will i say you are good or lousy with calculated thought. games are flurries of impulses. everything is forgotten when it ends.

true friends fathom. lets try. not for convenience, nor just because, nor because we've been friends from acquaintances for so long. nor because we're lazy to know other people. (sometimes understanding that people chose others over us for greater reasons is a humbling virtue as well)

oh and i was being yelled a bastard or an idiot quite loudly on your birthday in front of all your friends and family. to have 20 pairs of eyes on you sux. so i left shortly after. no i didnt talk about it. i tried to fathom. (surely it was an impulse. nvm. friendship>all)

fear only what u fathom. else they be phantoms.

friendship ftw.

New Year.

Pondering...

Somehow or rather. I choose to not go to changi airport to pick someone up or welcome him home. How dumb can this get. Seriously. You want to pick your boyfriend up then okay. go ahead. u asked me to plan and give u details, you went ahead to do what u want. i gave a place for dinner, u said no. u wanted to meet at the airport 3 hours ahead of time to eat and talk and you are afriad we'd be late. I dont really know what u decided to tell anyone else. but if u all had fucking plans. then why the fuck meet for dinner? meet at airport 10pm for an arrival at 1030. simple. u want to eat dinner at your place then dont ask anyone else to plan a place to eat. if you are going to overrule everything. then kindly not ask anyone to 'decide for you and give u details'. Negotiation is an art u do not have. arts scholar u may be. that requires 2 parties coming to an agreement. which somehow or rather u are either too pigheaded or egotistical to come to. you know who you are.

'explain why you are not there to him'. really. refer to above. i had enough of people like this in my life. EQ? thy dares breach into this realm? a higher EQ person cannot flare up at lower EQ people?. Nope. this isnt low EQ. its blatant in nature. choice has been done. you show your ugly side to people and you think they are stupid? no. they choose to let you be. either u arent worth changing much. or you never will anyways. why bother. did he specify he wants to see us or pick us up? no. just because people are available for things to be done doesnt mean that they should or will. expectance of this is naively proving one has a low EQ. So i see. when you have exams and have no time and choose not to put friends (or different friends due to different personal reasons) first but yourself. that is altruistically right? then we are both sinless.

Being a true friend is more than telling a friend what he wants to hear. nor telling him what u have tailored, what may be a horrid attempt at tact. if you hope people understand you yet make no effort to yourself to understand truly, people, in their conditions or reasons why they have done what they have done, to be whatever they are. then you have not crossed a tier far more worthy than a man's worth. if u choose to insist a person is wrong with all of you. then there can be no hope for any sort of kinship ties. judge not people. but circumstance. once u have analysed such as prior. then analyse choice. if u are traumatised or affected by eventuality, and have no access or no such comfort of the above, then cast not the first stone. if you are so free to analyse so much. you wont be who you are anymore. this opens a whole new topic of life choice and outcome which few are willing to dare themselves out to being.

'treasure that group of friends' if this be a true regard. amen. i will see forth such. if it be smite, then thou has no leverage to cast this stone.

what are we but souls? seek we not pleasures of flesh and mind? challenge you i forever shall, yet hold a torch for you, always i will. this is friendship. rather, soulship. remember this, forsake you i never shall. such length i am prepared to go for a true friend. maybe i should move on.


should our paths cross on this dark and dimly lit road, give thou a smile and thou shalt embrace thy soul with a tear.

Saturday Night[o] Fever.

Now @ Gran Cyber Cafe b@gus.

Awesome atmosphere here. for rates like 1250 yen [about 18SGD], you get an 8hour time block of usage. So for about $2.20/hr, u get a P4 3.2 ghz com with 2GB ram, a huge 21 inch LCD monitor, Limitless access to any form of media here [Newspapers, magazines, comics, internet], oh did i mention u also get a free flow of drinks too? they have this whole array of fruit teas and coffees to chose from, at no extra charge even. Free flow of sugar, honey and milk too. Wow.

My Favourite? the blueberry tea with 2 dallops of honey/ hr. Muahaha. Don't be looking at me. i'd be having a caffeine overdose by the time its 2am. yup i started at 6pm. after a nice 500 yen[$6.75 sgd] meal at a 24 hr eatery near the hotel. What did i eat? a standard katsudon. Thats supposed to be breaded pork fried till crispy, with half cooked eggs and a nice blend of soy sauce of some sort, which they plop on top of a big bowl of rice. Complete with a pretty big salad, a bowl of miso soup, as well as free flow of ice water and green tea. Burp.

Brb. 2nd tea awaits. Lets try cherry this time. <3.

Back. Okay haha no one stopped me from me tea party. so we can reasonably deduce that the induction above, is accurate. Its selectively lit here. Except for where people read stuff or when they're at their coms. The ambience here suggests a great reverance for personal space and self occupation, the focus is what you are doing, what you are reading, etc. Thankfully i was given priority to swap to a non smoking room instead. Man, they're right. Next to a smoker here, the PSI really is about 300. and non smoking areas are about 150 haha. Ciggies here come by too affordable man. i mean like wtf? Not only is it only $3-4SGD per Hardpack mind you. They even have ciggie dispensers too?! [there aren't soft packs here i think]

Here, seldom u will find people smoking one or two sticks. its all or nothing almost. yea. over dinner they smoke the whole dang pack Oo and no way will they advertise some damaged organ or orifice for the sake of social hypocrisy. Ala my own country which likes to advocate one thing but its always the CB "oh if in event our message does not get thru, then we might as well embark on what we feel is some social optimum by taxing more lor" mentality.

Night life here is pretty wild. i mean wow. at below 10 degrees Celsius the girls are wearing... Hotpants? Hah. maybe when u have to wait 6 months to wear it for a few weeks per year. yea the itch? i totally understand >_<|| Anyways. Daylight is about 7am here and Sunset is a very early 4pm. Once it hits 6pm people are dining everywhere. Not to mention all em nationalities come out. Nigerians/Jamaicans [yo marn. u want a marsarge/ blojorb? it be very good ya], mainland Chinese[nian2 qing1 ren2! jiang3 guo2 yu3 bah! lailai bie2 hai4 xiu1! zhe4 li3 de niu'er zhen4 dian3!] Koreans even[bo go ship[da]ment goooood...] i even see filipinos here. Guess what Persistence is.

Its following you past. like. 4 streets. fwaseh. 4 streets later, i think like, different pubs/brothels belong to the same conglomerate. yikes. They switch the goaders/pimps.

Brb. Lets do the orange tea now.

Back. Some chio waitress just walked past me and said what i believe to be "enjoy your stay, sir!" in japanese. That is it. That is SO it. the people here are amazingly docile and polite. Everything said and done is gracious and immensely elegant. They bow to acknowledge you when u buy something or endorse any service. I kinda feel Japan to be an incredibly humble sort of country. Over here, there isnt and form of service tax which is latched unto consumption of any form. But rather, the whole i must respect everyone else because i owe it to society in general for my subsistence is impeccably etched unto almost every Japanese here. End result? Although u pay a little more for consumption here. Service equalises.

Kyoto to and fro is about 7 hrs total travel time on the bullet train. Visited a shrine or two and even saw a geisha yesterday. Such presence she had. Kids there are pretty independant i guess. saw 2 girls barely 6 or 7 taking the crowded bus with everyone else. Bus fares here are 1.50sgd per child and 3sgd per adult. Maybe we shouldn't Complain about transport fees back in SG so much haha. Cabs start at a calling price of 9sgd. The Japan Rail Pass is an unlimited travel worth 400sgd. Renewable on a per weekly basis.

Food here is pretty much healthy. With mounds of salads and green teas subtly assimilated into every meal here, its no wonder why Japan has a much lower Mortality rate and a much higher life expectancy[82.2 yrs] compared to the rest of asia. Ageing population you say? Well. i haven't yet understood Japan's social security network yet, But i do know that on trains and buses, younger people always get up for them. Without Prompt whatsoever. Older person enters bus. Younger person automatically offers seat. Betcha didnt know that bus engineers here engineer a bus to Torque it 15-20 degrees toward the embark/disembark side of the bus. When the bus stops, the tires deflate one side to allow easier boarding and alighting. That done it inflates again toward the normal and moves on. Lol. Nudge nudge SBS.

Okay i know i don't really need another Tea. So lets try going to raid the free flow of fresh milk for tea. Just for the milk. Brb.

Yum lol. Oh. Did i mention that there are speciality stores which cater rooms for u to wank in? You pay like 500yen[$6.75sgd] for an hour to yourself in a small cosy room with a huge tv set and cordless earphones. They even provide for you a replica of the female anatomy to intensify your experience. You get to choose from their catalog of about 2000 dvds. You take a shopping cart and select 6 dvd's per hour you pay for. 12 dvd's for 2 hrs and so on. And yes they still greet and bow when u endorse, and thank you when u leave.

I assume in a country where it really isn't that difficult looking for whichever vices you tick by, that society here isn't as pent up as back home. Moreover its a pretty nonchalant thing over here. Vices as they are. Society here just totally comprehends, period. Given the more temperate climate, what i observe is that the lonelier person will probably feel more comfortable here. Tolerant and condoning this place is. Back home you might get glares and get slapped with sarcasm et al. Not here. No. I also notice that women here cling on to their man alot more. Bring on the endearment baby! haha. Endearment ftw!Well. Maybe higher male mortality is to blame lol i don't know. Males here die a lil younger and abruptedly as well. Which could really mean a lot less eligible men for the middle aged woman here. Guess people here feel that being happy and contented with each other is > than what society thinks about their public display of affection. And this society already doesn't !<3.

Well. 3rd trip to the Loo and 4th cuppa tea. Am gonna play the only game i know how amongst em all. There's Lineage and Ragnarok but no pangya nor gunbound nor Warcraft. OMG no warcraft can wth... and there isnt even any in tokyo neither boohoo. Off to Guildwars then. Be Back Soon.

Gaijin Pride!

At a local lanshop now in shinjuku. Japan is brr cold. its a mere 12-15 degrees day or night here.　Highlands its about 5-7 degrees. Bloodflow ebbs your joints and your fingers and ears start to numb and feel like they arent there anymore. Lol. Damn. mental block right now. So much to say, yet so little i want to. brb.

Me. Psychosis Major.

You scored as Psychology. You should be a Psychology major! Psychology 100% Theater 83% Anthropology 83% Sociology 83% Dance 75% Philosophy 75% Mathematics 67% Journalism 67% Engineering 67% Linguistics 67% English 50% Art 33% Biology 33% Chemistry 17% What is your Perfect Major? (PLEASE RATE ME!!) created with QuizFarm.com

Stasis

A stasis I am in right now. I keep thinking of her. Kept thinking how I met her. How we got to know each other better. How we slept together, dreamt together. How we were in love. Yet this still haunts and daunts me. How did we ever come apart. Nights and nights I’ve cried to myself, turned to god, sunk into bouts of depression. How I wished I could share more of me with her. How I could kiss her lips once again. Embrace her. Cuddle her. To want no more in life but her. That she would make me complete. Now she’s gone its like some crucial organ had been decapitated from me. I don’t eat sleep sing or smile or joke as jovially anymore. Is this how it eventuates out to be? Subtle gradual acceptance of this breakup? It devours me so.

I really miss her. Yearning. Anticipating. Waiting. Its some place I haven’t been to before. Some place not many people can say they’ve been to. That convulsive churning desire enveloping every inch of your body. The basal desire for companionship. Hers. She seldom talked to me. I must have been indignant. Maybe I ignored her. Maybe her selflessness didn’t allow her to bring to my attention her feelings for me were gone. Maybe it was a role play. Its been over a year now. Come back to me. Take advantage of me. I don’t care anymore. I want her so badly it hurts.

Dear time. Please turn back. It is said u were the only entity in the universe which would embrace the emotion of love. Unveil yourself. Go back to the times we would embrace. Now pause. Go back to the times we would kiss. Now pause. Go back to the times we were happy and cheerful. Now pause. Go back to the times we didn’t want more. Once again pause. Much thanks, sweet time. Don’t go forward? Please? Time? I like it here. Its tranquil. Its warm. I am happy here. Should you move on I shall suffer pain. I shall be sad. I shall suffer rejection. I shall be disdained. But I will still yearn for her. Still love her. Still want her. Still give my all. Still do crazy things for her. Still want to make her happy. Still be overwhelmed by her. Enveloped in what was our sweet love. I love her.

Ballads I listen to. They sadden me and make me think of her. Food loses its interest. Life is dry when the river of love dries up. Parched we become. Insatiable thirst unquenched. Dear god. Is our insatiable thirst such as so? Love? To be loved? To love? If there be a tree of love. Lord thy temptation be great to eat its fruit. By my side, emptiness. Only with her will I be sanctified. Love to redeem I shall want.

Confusion. Anger. Pain. Suffering. Tears. Humility. Redemption. Heartache. Desire. Hunger. Insanity. And confusion again. What is this mysterious strength holding me back. This strength which incapacitates me. Knocks me senseless. I want her heart. Does she still want mine? Its barely intact. Coronary glue, I shall need. Wholeness eludes. Women I do not want. Her I do. Yet have her I cannot. Difficult be, this test of god.

What do I do now? Someone tell me.