You Are 20% Boyish and 80% Girlish |
Even if you're not a girl, you're very feminine. You're in touch with your feelings, and your heart rules you. A bit of a emotional roller coaster, one moment you're up and the next you're down. But no matter what, you try to be as cute and perky as possible. |
July 15, 2006
I give up.
April 22, 2006
Hope.
I meet her for late dinner after watching the movie 'The Sentinel'. We end up having lots of laughs, talking bout history, more laughs, feeling totally comfortable with each other. 'Hey wanna come up to my place?' 'Sure.' I was not expecting anything to happen. I am the kind to excercise self control. She asks about catholicism vs. christianity and i clarify her doubts as calmly and composed as i can. We watch Spongebob Squarepants together. Then she offs the lights for pillow talk. 'Stay till the rain ends'. 'Oh, okay, thanks'.
Then she lights her aroma candles, taps the lava lamp. She closes the curtains and turns on some deephouse. Then she offs the lights and leans close to me. We start talking. The music is intruigingly hypnotic. I fall into a Trance. We talk some more. 'This is a cosy room huh, like it?' 'Of course i do, its lovely.' Yea all my friends say so, thats why they like to stay over'. 'I think my friend is prettier than me, when we club all the guys keep asking her for her phone number, its never me.' 'Why not you?' 'Maybe i look fierce haha' 'Nah, u dont, you're a very nice person'.
I get so in the mood i keep wanting to kiss her but i dont. I know she'll say no. Then we talk about her ex boyfriends and the current guy she likes. I bend over and ask her slowly. 'Can i kiss you?' 'Oh, no, don't.' 'Okay'. 'Alot of guys have said that to me before'.
Am i just another guy? I think to myself. 'Oh rain's stopped'. 'Yea i better get going too'. At the door she asks: 'What made u want to kiss me? maybe u think too much'. Maybe i have. 'A kiss is just a kiss, nothing more, dont think too much too k?' But the fact i wanted to. That says volumes of who you are. But i didnt get to say that. I just walked home in the drizzle. Thinking about the relationships i had in the past. I truely affirm to myself that attraction is sometimes ambience. She certainly knew how to create that. Sometimes it feels good to fall for something like that, even though you know you are going to.
It surely wasn't lust. I had not intended of having intimacy beyond a certain point. Had it been beyond that point i would have pulled a stop. But i do know i am very comfortable with her. And she has this sullen vulnerable aura about her which makes you feel you want to get to know her better. And that i did. She let me know her better. It is reward enough. Will i see her again?
I want to.
Hope teases you sometimes.
I hope i get to Love again.
Amen.
Then she lights her aroma candles, taps the lava lamp. She closes the curtains and turns on some deephouse. Then she offs the lights and leans close to me. We start talking. The music is intruigingly hypnotic. I fall into a Trance. We talk some more. 'This is a cosy room huh, like it?' 'Of course i do, its lovely.' Yea all my friends say so, thats why they like to stay over'. 'I think my friend is prettier than me, when we club all the guys keep asking her for her phone number, its never me.' 'Why not you?' 'Maybe i look fierce haha' 'Nah, u dont, you're a very nice person'.
I get so in the mood i keep wanting to kiss her but i dont. I know she'll say no. Then we talk about her ex boyfriends and the current guy she likes. I bend over and ask her slowly. 'Can i kiss you?' 'Oh, no, don't.' 'Okay'. 'Alot of guys have said that to me before'.
Am i just another guy? I think to myself. 'Oh rain's stopped'. 'Yea i better get going too'. At the door she asks: 'What made u want to kiss me? maybe u think too much'. Maybe i have. 'A kiss is just a kiss, nothing more, dont think too much too k?' But the fact i wanted to. That says volumes of who you are. But i didnt get to say that. I just walked home in the drizzle. Thinking about the relationships i had in the past. I truely affirm to myself that attraction is sometimes ambience. She certainly knew how to create that. Sometimes it feels good to fall for something like that, even though you know you are going to.
It surely wasn't lust. I had not intended of having intimacy beyond a certain point. Had it been beyond that point i would have pulled a stop. But i do know i am very comfortable with her. And she has this sullen vulnerable aura about her which makes you feel you want to get to know her better. And that i did. She let me know her better. It is reward enough. Will i see her again?
I want to.
Hope teases you sometimes.
I hope i get to Love again.
Amen.
April 17, 2006
If at first you dont suck seed.
| Your IQ Is 135 |
 Your Logical Intelligence is Below Average Your Verbal Intelligence is Genius Your Mathematical Intelligence is Genius Your General Knowledge is Genius |
April 15, 2006
Boredom Living Alone =
| Your IQ Is 105 |
Your Logical Intelligence is Below Average Your Verbal Intelligence is Above Average Your Mathematical Intelligence is Exceptional Your General Knowledge is Exceptional |
March 20, 2006
Hey, waddya know
| Your Birthdate: January 7 |
 You are an island. You don't need anyone else to make you happy. And though you see yourself as a loner, people are drawn to you. Deep and sensitive, you tend to impress others with your insights. You also tend to be psychic - so listen to that inner voice! Your strength: Your self sufficiency Your weakness: You despise authority Your power color: Maroon Your power symbol: Hammer Your power month: July |
March 13, 2006
Sunday Morning.
Woke up at 7a.m today, washed up and went with lionel's mum to volunteer at Laguna Country Club's Osim Golf Masters event. What an eye opener to the world of golf, i must say. Met this cute Japanese boy named Aki. Taught me a bit of jap'nese. We basically stuck to each other the whole time. Golf is damn shiong if you're the scoreboard holder. Essentially, Golf is about completing 18 holes. each hole length is about 400m - 500m, nice total of 9km raw course walking, save for other miscellaneous coverage of Hole to Hole. I estimate today to be about 15km walked altogether, to and fro and around the clubhouse.
Golf can be very therapeutic, you get totally absorbed into the game some one else is playing. And we were ultimately happy a Singaporean won the competition. Feels proud to be singaporean a tad. You know how the general atmosphere is like, All the rich powerful people all saturated on an uberly refined sport. In Golf its about exploiting limits and optimisation once again. The challenge? Topography. Anyways, it was a superbly successful event. They provide all volunteers with a $50 adidas shirt, $20 cap and $20 food vouchers to boot. We were on the course a good 6 hours without sitting one bit, but then again, given 4 putts per hole and each player taking 2 minutes to take the shot, one hole takes about 20 mins, gives us just about under 6 hours. Lol.
Aki wants to be pro very badly and gets hyper around any mention of golf. haha. Ambitious for a 12 yr old, then auntie annie went to chide him on 'the importance of education'. Aki = pwned. Muaha. Aki's dad and sister followed us throughout the 3 players we were assigned to and this golfer gave her his golf ball. She Beamed. Aki's dad happens to also be a bigwig in JVC. Talk about meeting people in golf. And then there was this scorer aunty who had a son who went to NS after she withdrew him from JC to pursue golf. National golfer calibre, of course.
Aki: Hey, how old are you?
Me: How old do i look?
Aki: 17?
Me: 22 la, how the...
Scorer Aunty: How old are you?
Me: How old do i look?
Scorer Aunty: 17, 18 lor.
Me: No la aunty, i finish NS in Uni already.
Scorer Aunty: Wah cannot be, you look very young.
Me: Very young meh.. I coming Uncle already...
Scorer Aunty: *Black face* You still young man.
Me: Orh. *pupils vertically upward*
Lotsa chiobu Carlsberg mascots. woo lala. Yes, Slim, Big Chest, Attractive face and curves, and above all, very sociable. Amen la i tell you. Then they had some poor emirates stweardesses in full air service crew attire to mascot for emirates. Osim also had the igallop and ipamper booth. Awesome conglomeration.
Anyways, what really was interesting was the post surprise. The uber interior of the club was amazing, awesome baths and convieniently placed hot jaccuzi pools next to them. Finished basking in hot water, dried self, walked out, then "oO" wah, Osim massage chairs( All for me??). Evil propoganda never seemed so good. Indulge i shall. Then a whole array of personal grooming stuff was next door. I love the bryl cream for protein rich supplement for hair, must find sia. Headed to clubhouse to eat, had beer batter fish and chips, and took away a ham and cheese sandwich set to bring over to reuben's.
Took a cab there, cost me only $4.50, gave bel and albert food and observed their pandemic chicken pox. Like over liao liddat.Picked up my tennis balls and took cab home. Albert bit Bel when she fed him the last chunk of sandwich, Lmao. Malorie went church and reuben's out with diane again. Aww.
Arrived home, to message lionel if my phone was there (it naturally was) Played Dota and Talked on the phone with Angie. Johnny she loves u alot sia, even to the point of asking me to impart my culinary skills. Aiseh. Can i have an onion and garlic chopping slave for a month since i'm doing her a favour? Hee.
Golf can be very therapeutic, you get totally absorbed into the game some one else is playing. And we were ultimately happy a Singaporean won the competition. Feels proud to be singaporean a tad. You know how the general atmosphere is like, All the rich powerful people all saturated on an uberly refined sport. In Golf its about exploiting limits and optimisation once again. The challenge? Topography. Anyways, it was a superbly successful event. They provide all volunteers with a $50 adidas shirt, $20 cap and $20 food vouchers to boot. We were on the course a good 6 hours without sitting one bit, but then again, given 4 putts per hole and each player taking 2 minutes to take the shot, one hole takes about 20 mins, gives us just about under 6 hours. Lol.
Aki wants to be pro very badly and gets hyper around any mention of golf. haha. Ambitious for a 12 yr old, then auntie annie went to chide him on 'the importance of education'. Aki = pwned. Muaha. Aki's dad and sister followed us throughout the 3 players we were assigned to and this golfer gave her his golf ball. She Beamed. Aki's dad happens to also be a bigwig in JVC. Talk about meeting people in golf. And then there was this scorer aunty who had a son who went to NS after she withdrew him from JC to pursue golf. National golfer calibre, of course.
Aki: Hey, how old are you?
Me: How old do i look?
Aki: 17?
Me: 22 la, how the...
Scorer Aunty: How old are you?
Me: How old do i look?
Scorer Aunty: 17, 18 lor.
Me: No la aunty, i finish NS in Uni already.
Scorer Aunty: Wah cannot be, you look very young.
Me: Very young meh.. I coming Uncle already...
Scorer Aunty: *Black face* You still young man.
Me: Orh. *pupils vertically upward*
Lotsa chiobu Carlsberg mascots. woo lala. Yes, Slim, Big Chest, Attractive face and curves, and above all, very sociable. Amen la i tell you. Then they had some poor emirates stweardesses in full air service crew attire to mascot for emirates. Osim also had the igallop and ipamper booth. Awesome conglomeration.
Anyways, what really was interesting was the post surprise. The uber interior of the club was amazing, awesome baths and convieniently placed hot jaccuzi pools next to them. Finished basking in hot water, dried self, walked out, then "oO" wah, Osim massage chairs( All for me??). Evil propoganda never seemed so good. Indulge i shall. Then a whole array of personal grooming stuff was next door. I love the bryl cream for protein rich supplement for hair, must find sia. Headed to clubhouse to eat, had beer batter fish and chips, and took away a ham and cheese sandwich set to bring over to reuben's.
Took a cab there, cost me only $4.50, gave bel and albert food and observed their pandemic chicken pox. Like over liao liddat.Picked up my tennis balls and took cab home. Albert bit Bel when she fed him the last chunk of sandwich, Lmao. Malorie went church and reuben's out with diane again. Aww.
Arrived home, to message lionel if my phone was there (it naturally was) Played Dota and Talked on the phone with Angie. Johnny she loves u alot sia, even to the point of asking me to impart my culinary skills. Aiseh. Can i have an onion and garlic chopping slave for a month since i'm doing her a favour? Hee.
February 15, 2006
Valentine's Day Reminisce
Huge update, collating events besides school. Got into Clan FTK which DotA's, got to know quite a few good hearts minds and souls. Been very often over to tonn at Reuben's and Lionel's place. Knew this cute brother called Albert of reuben's. Cooked spaghetti there (dragged cristabel to help, muahaha), baked them brownies now and then. Enjoyable gamer's nirvana of endless gaming, eating, ordering macs/kfc at weee weee hours of the morning. Arranging tennis once malorie recovers from the trauma of chicken pox o_O and possible doing Fish and Chips soon (yes this is a teaser ahaha). Giving Bel A math tuition (self-righteously-induced trauma >_<)
Lionel. Amazingly beautiful house, very amicable mum, and dem hilariously adorable grandma. Happened to be through the transition of his new Computer. Quaint, how lionel got his Com too. Anyways, we did up this MSI motherboard AMD 64 Bit 3.2 Ghz Com, 1 Gig Corsair Ram, 160 GB HDD, with some Nvidia-MSI 256 Mgb GEForce4 card. After we had good specs, bummer, horrid connection, however, easily rectified with the purchase of a 30 metre ethernet cable, out his room, down the staircase, under the carpet to the modem. Hah. DotA bliss awaits. Excellent birthday present too, that computer. His mum makes super knockout punch (more like roundhouse kick, legdrop then bodyslam and backbreaker) i was out for like 2 hrs. Learnt never to ever drink 5x200ml of hyper punch when Dehydrated. *Sehhh* We made chicken mayo there for breakfast once, and i brought over this bottle of new year cookies which adrain's mum made for me (2 bottles actually, i soot one myself >_<).
Tuition. Been giving Adrain Tuition now, since August 2005, kudos to adrain, even his mum is curious why he's got the study bug all of a sudden, as usual lahh, me corrupts kid. Adrian DotA's too, must train him! Then i received a message of a new job somewhere in Bishan. Very smart girl, Primary 6. Paranoid Mum. Add 2 dashes of insecurity, tadaaa, i have a new responsibility. =P. So thats more income, more responsibility, Less time to erm, waste my life away muahaha. My Sister charmaine once again did amazingly well for her exams. Whoopie. Easy victor, no pressure to be a sucess in life, no pressure... *pant*. Of course if she needs any help, she can come to me. But this proud little twerp has mettle, i'll tell ya that. Arrogant Determined Girl. Too bad some emotional autism Did eventually rub off unto her. Poor me. I gotta incalcate some damage control quick.
Cleared the 2k cheated from me. Spiritual enlightenment i swear. Trauma over. Joy. Time's a ticking, have exams and tests to actually finally sit down and study for. Come on Vic. Stop Debilitating your development hor. Aha. As of now, i devote most of my time to earning my keep and being proud of it, game, play more sports, juggle my leisure and books.
Going out with vernon tomorrow, movie lunch and a quick pop over to check out his PC. Mac users always find the XP a mystery o_O.
"Reset the World" - Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex 2
Tachikoma damn cute la. Deeper Blogging Soon lala~
Lionel. Amazingly beautiful house, very amicable mum, and dem hilariously adorable grandma. Happened to be through the transition of his new Computer. Quaint, how lionel got his Com too. Anyways, we did up this MSI motherboard AMD 64 Bit 3.2 Ghz Com, 1 Gig Corsair Ram, 160 GB HDD, with some Nvidia-MSI 256 Mgb GEForce4 card. After we had good specs, bummer, horrid connection, however, easily rectified with the purchase of a 30 metre ethernet cable, out his room, down the staircase, under the carpet to the modem. Hah. DotA bliss awaits. Excellent birthday present too, that computer. His mum makes super knockout punch (more like roundhouse kick, legdrop then bodyslam and backbreaker) i was out for like 2 hrs. Learnt never to ever drink 5x200ml of hyper punch when Dehydrated. *Sehhh* We made chicken mayo there for breakfast once, and i brought over this bottle of new year cookies which adrain's mum made for me (2 bottles actually, i soot one myself >_<).
Tuition. Been giving Adrain Tuition now, since August 2005, kudos to adrain, even his mum is curious why he's got the study bug all of a sudden, as usual lahh, me corrupts kid. Adrian DotA's too, must train him! Then i received a message of a new job somewhere in Bishan. Very smart girl, Primary 6. Paranoid Mum. Add 2 dashes of insecurity, tadaaa, i have a new responsibility. =P. So thats more income, more responsibility, Less time to erm, waste my life away muahaha. My Sister charmaine once again did amazingly well for her exams. Whoopie. Easy victor, no pressure to be a sucess in life, no pressure... *pant*. Of course if she needs any help, she can come to me. But this proud little twerp has mettle, i'll tell ya that. Arrogant Determined Girl. Too bad some emotional autism Did eventually rub off unto her. Poor me. I gotta incalcate some damage control quick.
Cleared the 2k cheated from me. Spiritual enlightenment i swear. Trauma over. Joy. Time's a ticking, have exams and tests to actually finally sit down and study for. Come on Vic. Stop Debilitating your development hor. Aha. As of now, i devote most of my time to earning my keep and being proud of it, game, play more sports, juggle my leisure and books.
Going out with vernon tomorrow, movie lunch and a quick pop over to check out his PC. Mac users always find the XP a mystery o_O.
"Reset the World" - Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex 2
Tachikoma damn cute la. Deeper Blogging Soon lala~
July 30, 2005
Affirmation
Its been awhile, got to know some people after army, attended st. theresa's father arro's 50th golden birthday bash, archbishop was there, vern as usual made everyone sing, people melted, came together, rose to great heights together, vern made archbishop sing (omg!), attended carraige bar's idol at carraige bar near mt. elizabeth. 12 singers, the women came in tops. brian was there, so was doreen, as well as a few other celebs, pretty smashing all in all. Singing for vatican artifacts at asian civilization musem tomorrow, choir prac tonite.
The past few weeks and months have been outrageously emotionally exhaustive. one of the pitfalls which have been hard to avoid has been to call on her, ask after her, still not too sober whatever we had was over, snap! just like that. She says that there was a point of time which reversal was possible. I tried. Guess we're better off without each other. When i fall asleep or wake up, i think of her, imagining it was her that was next to me, wishing that bolster/pillow that i had hugged too tightly for a boy of my age, to animate itself and maybe hug back. Facades. Its always SO very very hard to forget someone you have loved. Guess the next best thing u can do is fall in love again, or forever wall your heart, its defences evident of insecurities we've been hurt by before.
Ever wanted to reach out above the clouds? ascend way beyond the limitations society and family/friends set you? to break free and attain liberation of body, heart, mind and soul? we all do. we are but only mortal, however, we have something invaluable. It is free will. be it god or whatever you believe in, free will is the embodiment of applicable liberty which is the here and now which affects our lives every single moment of its entirety. every turn u take, every move u make. negligibility is but its own subjection, hence is valuation itself. perspectives serve to equalise as they have, always.
Boy do i need some structure in my life, spread yourself too thinly, and you will inevitably discover that you have compromised depth for perception. argued abit with dominic heh. Something u can use when u argue with people is the exact opposite discipline of itself. the closer or more detailed a person speaks about something, the faster u can pick out faults at the subject. Touched on marxism and democracy, communism as well as imperialism, basal fundamentals of religion as well as some sociology. Apparently dominic dislikes those who do not argue and are able to, simply because they have done an elementary level of a cost benefit analysis, and found that it was better to exhibit serenity over doing whatever that was in their power to accelerate change, be it for themselves or even for greater reasons.
But oh well i did sort of argue with my evasiveness. Fight Depth with Perception they always say, and the two will equalise should u prefer whichever conflicts to leave the combatants unscathed. Prides may hurt though, subjected to how much either party is willing to actually be hurt. Should people try to argue with you based on scope, pinpoint points u want to question and do away with scopial approaches. harvest doubt with tact and subtlety. reciprocate to clarify both points made by him and yourself. that is of course, just slightly advanced squaring off. further improvisations enable u to use what the opponent has said against himself. basal questions can be very disturbing should u discover how to employ them with tact and guise it with a twist of eloquence and unassumingness (well, also attainable thru honest/anticipated thought and speech)
Sometimes, when u overanalyse something, it loses its worth and value, not because those are essentially lost, but because analysis breaks down one huge chunk and dissects entirety. but oh well u know us humans, we'd keep analysing because we think it brings us to higher levels. maslow's heirachy of needs has been overused, and also, debunked with the circumstances to today's world. Man has to analyse religion, something intended to be way above him, of course he only unravels confusion and dead ends. likewise, people question maslow of his ascension laws. Is it not possible for us to want to attain self actualisation above pragmatism? Is it not possible to derive love and then pragmatism? Is it not possible to jump processes? =)
it is queer how maslow leaves out the human spirit in his parenthesis. the spirit to love someone can be so overwhelming that u put other factors aside. the need for self actualisation can overwrite basal physiological needs(feats of sheer humanistic will, marathons) and even fuel u further should that be the goal you will want to attain. it almost tethers alongst borderline cynicism should i be bold enough to offer my opinion.
human spirit has to be the singular most unanticipated, spontaneous yet consistent element of change. the systems of today around us all whisper it to us when we sleep and awake every day.
i think i better write with a structure inn my next attempt to coerce something fruitful
ugh i need to piece my sanity together again, help, anyone?
The past few weeks and months have been outrageously emotionally exhaustive. one of the pitfalls which have been hard to avoid has been to call on her, ask after her, still not too sober whatever we had was over, snap! just like that. She says that there was a point of time which reversal was possible. I tried. Guess we're better off without each other. When i fall asleep or wake up, i think of her, imagining it was her that was next to me, wishing that bolster/pillow that i had hugged too tightly for a boy of my age, to animate itself and maybe hug back. Facades. Its always SO very very hard to forget someone you have loved. Guess the next best thing u can do is fall in love again, or forever wall your heart, its defences evident of insecurities we've been hurt by before.
Ever wanted to reach out above the clouds? ascend way beyond the limitations society and family/friends set you? to break free and attain liberation of body, heart, mind and soul? we all do. we are but only mortal, however, we have something invaluable. It is free will. be it god or whatever you believe in, free will is the embodiment of applicable liberty which is the here and now which affects our lives every single moment of its entirety. every turn u take, every move u make. negligibility is but its own subjection, hence is valuation itself. perspectives serve to equalise as they have, always.
Boy do i need some structure in my life, spread yourself too thinly, and you will inevitably discover that you have compromised depth for perception. argued abit with dominic heh. Something u can use when u argue with people is the exact opposite discipline of itself. the closer or more detailed a person speaks about something, the faster u can pick out faults at the subject. Touched on marxism and democracy, communism as well as imperialism, basal fundamentals of religion as well as some sociology. Apparently dominic dislikes those who do not argue and are able to, simply because they have done an elementary level of a cost benefit analysis, and found that it was better to exhibit serenity over doing whatever that was in their power to accelerate change, be it for themselves or even for greater reasons.
But oh well i did sort of argue with my evasiveness. Fight Depth with Perception they always say, and the two will equalise should u prefer whichever conflicts to leave the combatants unscathed. Prides may hurt though, subjected to how much either party is willing to actually be hurt. Should people try to argue with you based on scope, pinpoint points u want to question and do away with scopial approaches. harvest doubt with tact and subtlety. reciprocate to clarify both points made by him and yourself. that is of course, just slightly advanced squaring off. further improvisations enable u to use what the opponent has said against himself. basal questions can be very disturbing should u discover how to employ them with tact and guise it with a twist of eloquence and unassumingness (well, also attainable thru honest/anticipated thought and speech)
Sometimes, when u overanalyse something, it loses its worth and value, not because those are essentially lost, but because analysis breaks down one huge chunk and dissects entirety. but oh well u know us humans, we'd keep analysing because we think it brings us to higher levels. maslow's heirachy of needs has been overused, and also, debunked with the circumstances to today's world. Man has to analyse religion, something intended to be way above him, of course he only unravels confusion and dead ends. likewise, people question maslow of his ascension laws. Is it not possible for us to want to attain self actualisation above pragmatism? Is it not possible to derive love and then pragmatism? Is it not possible to jump processes? =)
it is queer how maslow leaves out the human spirit in his parenthesis. the spirit to love someone can be so overwhelming that u put other factors aside. the need for self actualisation can overwrite basal physiological needs(feats of sheer humanistic will, marathons) and even fuel u further should that be the goal you will want to attain. it almost tethers alongst borderline cynicism should i be bold enough to offer my opinion.
human spirit has to be the singular most unanticipated, spontaneous yet consistent element of change. the systems of today around us all whisper it to us when we sleep and awake every day.
i think i better write with a structure inn my next attempt to coerce something fruitful
ugh i need to piece my sanity together again, help, anyone?
May 25, 2005
ellusive redemption
Sometimes, redemption, or the need we(I) find in attaining it, propels us to greater things, provided we are mature enough to not get caught up in the little things. once we settle our own theoretical selves, little things will come to make it all worthwhile.
Thanks xiaowen, for loving me, and letting me try to love you, which i did not do well at all, better luck next time, hope your man finds the gem in you(which is you) which i saw too
Lovers are all aspiring gemologists, once you've fallen in love at first sight, you'll never stop trying
Thank you for planting the seed in me to try, and to love, and even the need to not love each other anymore, i never saw its need my way, now i've been enlightened by you, once i tried to see it your way, and your attempts to unblind me and my ravageous lust for love, which i let, corrupt me thru the ebbing of logic and reason. corruption of love leads to hatred, hatred leads to anger, anger is blind and can only see again, with love. anger also leads to violence(mental violence) 'violence is the last refuge of incompetence', as the words of issac asimov.
Maybe u felt that i had never loved you, guess i got carried away trying to synthesize a 'fall in love' and hence anticipated a sort of recipocration known as 'to be loved', bad mistake. i contradicted me by hoping if i could synthesize the proper channels of love and recipocration, i could attain love and cherishment thru exploitation of circumstance and will. i blinded myself so willingly, that i outsmarted me by self-denial, counter justification of the values of love with simple emotional math. sorry i took up one over year of your time. u already know u deserve someone better.
I loved it when we first ate at marche, and even our first bath together(and erm consequent ones) sorry i was rude to menghui because i used to think she was a twerp >_<'' thanks for letting me kiss you, and hug you, and give u masasges with the body shop massage oil u bought me (er, ya hor, why u buy ah? hurhur) i know u love hot water, u know i love cold water, at least i had fun turning the cold water on when u were using the hot, but u also intently turned up the heat when it was my turn T_T'', i still remember the apricot scrub we used to share, exfoiliation anyone?
Thanks for letting me eat you, yes i know i was rather bad at it, but i noticed your breath quicken when i did it right. forgot when liao, i need refresher courses with a larger sampling size of women i guess haiz. sorry for making you feel as if i want a blowjob that badly. there were times i really didnt have to have one. u didnt believe that i could eat you and not want to be eaten? why not? ur wierd, cant u just take it for it?(i even went to use up what ever i had stored over the week, or two on tissue papers, so as not to plant the wrong seeds in you that u had to recipocrate, ugh, frustration. so i did a 180 degrees on you and u slowly became repulsive. irony. so maybe i wanted to love you more than you did me, keyword: wanted.
When u stopped coming over, i thot i had started to see better, and took it as a loss of effort, when u took it as an avoidance with my dad then. i'm so much better with him now. so anyway i went to the furthest extent of me, to keep us alive, i went over, brought u your favourite handmade noodles(no ikan bilis, no mushrooms), clothes(my lovely sajc wafer shorts T_T), magazines(cleo, herworld, women's weekly, etc), my beloved U-pillow(how's it doing? got my smell anot? =) took cabs there cos i was lazy, and i wanted to see you asap, get u the food as hot and fresh as possible, together with the barang barang i had with me, but u thot i wanted a blowjob asap, well, i usually wank before the whole process, thats why i crash your bed after that, wanking induces sleep hormones =.=zz and also because i had army throughout this period, i overated my potential as a lover and felt i was ready for a fullblown relationship so as to spend more productive time with you.
I used to pop by after camp, with breakfast from delifrance, or fried doughsticks salads, or breadtalk bread, or jurong pt kopitiam hand made noodles, when i couldnt run home to get it. and ya, sorry for the de-sugared stuffs i get you, or cook you, but i know you've got diabetes under control now, congrats on your insulin pump *pumps fist in air* saved u quite a few years of pain, and could very well extend life expectantcy a few years too.
When i saw that your mum was horribly overworked, i was rejuvenated by a new resolve. I tried to see her the way u saw her, albeit never the complete picture u saw, you're ultimately her daughter, me, a worthless outsider. but she was sweet and her toil brought about a radiance about her that i will always be inspired by. hope your dad is inspired by her too. i knew the busy timings she had in the mornings because u told me not to be late if i wanted to help. i did, so i rush after doing nite duty the night before about 10pm to 7am and rush from camp to be in time and i'm zonked by evening or even early afternoon.
My health took a turn for the worse, i was falling sick and i was causing accidents at the stall, i told myself to not help if i couldnt do it properly at all, worse if i got your mum sick, i would never forgive myself for that. anyway if u think i worked for the money, most of the money she gave me went to cab fares to you, paying phone bills, making my ends meet before i brazenly tried to make the ends of others meet. sorry for helping improperly. sometimes i want u to stop helping because it affects your health too, with lethargy and all, i'm horribly inaccurate in all my biological knowledge and anyhow applications.
But whenever u need someone to fix your fluorescent ceiling lights, 'try' to repair your computer, play with you gunbound(yay, i mastered nak and fwoggy!) help your mum when u u feel she needs it and u got school or wana chill the saturday with joan or have project work. when u need someone to talk to, or are stuck at some place in some deserted somewhere, u know can ask me to fetch u home, i'd try to be there for u as a friend, if i couldnt do it when i was a lousy lover, maybe keeping what we had would de-cloud my vision. platonicism.
I think kejun's a bright young star whom i know u love. your sisterly love shines through stronger than whatever we had. i even went as far as to try to be her sister when she was with me, at pools and all, if i couldnt realise my lofty ambitions, maybe i help her materialise hers, they were genuinely more innocently happy. we could be jioing each other soon, i'd pass the magazines meant for u to her, that brat loves to read! heh. kejun if u read this, yes u are a brat >_<''
Have u brought shaggy to get a haircut? aiyoh that dogs hair is tangly and long man, i'ma miss shaggy too, and yea, the pandan leaf experiment was cute, we faked shaggy so so many a time buahaha, i'm so mean
I miss what we had, i miss your family, your dog, our baths, our mutual teasings, physical pamperings we gave each other, the innocence i made u lose, our marche's, sizzler's ban mianning, kuay chapping, hugs, kisses. the warmth of our bodies underneath your comforter, our shopping trips, even the rougher times we've had. i know its been a tumultous year over for you, i'm a very difficult person to get along with. hence i dont deserve what you have in you, for myself. u belong to so much more people, i haven't learnt to deal with that yet
Most of all, i miss you, and i already know i cannot end this with a simple 'come back to me', and please dont, i've clearly shown my immaturity in handling people and their hearts, i disgust me, and the people around me too. hopefully i havent been too possessive along the way, please be careful when u meet anoymous people, please? they can end up hurting you beyond even you, like how i've hurt you.
Thanks xiaowen, for loving me, and letting me try to love you, which i did not do well at all, better luck next time, hope your man finds the gem in you(which is you) which i saw too
Lovers are all aspiring gemologists, once you've fallen in love at first sight, you'll never stop trying
Thank you for planting the seed in me to try, and to love, and even the need to not love each other anymore, i never saw its need my way, now i've been enlightened by you, once i tried to see it your way, and your attempts to unblind me and my ravageous lust for love, which i let, corrupt me thru the ebbing of logic and reason. corruption of love leads to hatred, hatred leads to anger, anger is blind and can only see again, with love. anger also leads to violence(mental violence) 'violence is the last refuge of incompetence', as the words of issac asimov.
Maybe u felt that i had never loved you, guess i got carried away trying to synthesize a 'fall in love' and hence anticipated a sort of recipocration known as 'to be loved', bad mistake. i contradicted me by hoping if i could synthesize the proper channels of love and recipocration, i could attain love and cherishment thru exploitation of circumstance and will. i blinded myself so willingly, that i outsmarted me by self-denial, counter justification of the values of love with simple emotional math. sorry i took up one over year of your time. u already know u deserve someone better.
I loved it when we first ate at marche, and even our first bath together(and erm consequent ones) sorry i was rude to menghui because i used to think she was a twerp >_<'' thanks for letting me kiss you, and hug you, and give u masasges with the body shop massage oil u bought me (er, ya hor, why u buy ah? hurhur) i know u love hot water, u know i love cold water, at least i had fun turning the cold water on when u were using the hot, but u also intently turned up the heat when it was my turn T_T'', i still remember the apricot scrub we used to share, exfoiliation anyone?
Thanks for letting me eat you, yes i know i was rather bad at it, but i noticed your breath quicken when i did it right. forgot when liao, i need refresher courses with a larger sampling size of women i guess haiz. sorry for making you feel as if i want a blowjob that badly. there were times i really didnt have to have one. u didnt believe that i could eat you and not want to be eaten? why not? ur wierd, cant u just take it for it?(i even went to use up what ever i had stored over the week, or two on tissue papers, so as not to plant the wrong seeds in you that u had to recipocrate, ugh, frustration. so i did a 180 degrees on you and u slowly became repulsive. irony. so maybe i wanted to love you more than you did me, keyword: wanted.
When u stopped coming over, i thot i had started to see better, and took it as a loss of effort, when u took it as an avoidance with my dad then. i'm so much better with him now. so anyway i went to the furthest extent of me, to keep us alive, i went over, brought u your favourite handmade noodles(no ikan bilis, no mushrooms), clothes(my lovely sajc wafer shorts T_T), magazines(cleo, herworld, women's weekly, etc), my beloved U-pillow(how's it doing? got my smell anot? =) took cabs there cos i was lazy, and i wanted to see you asap, get u the food as hot and fresh as possible, together with the barang barang i had with me, but u thot i wanted a blowjob asap, well, i usually wank before the whole process, thats why i crash your bed after that, wanking induces sleep hormones =.=zz and also because i had army throughout this period, i overated my potential as a lover and felt i was ready for a fullblown relationship so as to spend more productive time with you.
I used to pop by after camp, with breakfast from delifrance, or fried doughsticks salads, or breadtalk bread, or jurong pt kopitiam hand made noodles, when i couldnt run home to get it. and ya, sorry for the de-sugared stuffs i get you, or cook you, but i know you've got diabetes under control now, congrats on your insulin pump *pumps fist in air* saved u quite a few years of pain, and could very well extend life expectantcy a few years too.
When i saw that your mum was horribly overworked, i was rejuvenated by a new resolve. I tried to see her the way u saw her, albeit never the complete picture u saw, you're ultimately her daughter, me, a worthless outsider. but she was sweet and her toil brought about a radiance about her that i will always be inspired by. hope your dad is inspired by her too. i knew the busy timings she had in the mornings because u told me not to be late if i wanted to help. i did, so i rush after doing nite duty the night before about 10pm to 7am and rush from camp to be in time and i'm zonked by evening or even early afternoon.
My health took a turn for the worse, i was falling sick and i was causing accidents at the stall, i told myself to not help if i couldnt do it properly at all, worse if i got your mum sick, i would never forgive myself for that. anyway if u think i worked for the money, most of the money she gave me went to cab fares to you, paying phone bills, making my ends meet before i brazenly tried to make the ends of others meet. sorry for helping improperly. sometimes i want u to stop helping because it affects your health too, with lethargy and all, i'm horribly inaccurate in all my biological knowledge and anyhow applications.
But whenever u need someone to fix your fluorescent ceiling lights, 'try' to repair your computer, play with you gunbound(yay, i mastered nak and fwoggy!) help your mum when u u feel she needs it and u got school or wana chill the saturday with joan or have project work. when u need someone to talk to, or are stuck at some place in some deserted somewhere, u know can ask me to fetch u home, i'd try to be there for u as a friend, if i couldnt do it when i was a lousy lover, maybe keeping what we had would de-cloud my vision. platonicism.
I think kejun's a bright young star whom i know u love. your sisterly love shines through stronger than whatever we had. i even went as far as to try to be her sister when she was with me, at pools and all, if i couldnt realise my lofty ambitions, maybe i help her materialise hers, they were genuinely more innocently happy. we could be jioing each other soon, i'd pass the magazines meant for u to her, that brat loves to read! heh. kejun if u read this, yes u are a brat >_<''
Have u brought shaggy to get a haircut? aiyoh that dogs hair is tangly and long man, i'ma miss shaggy too, and yea, the pandan leaf experiment was cute, we faked shaggy so so many a time buahaha, i'm so mean
I miss what we had, i miss your family, your dog, our baths, our mutual teasings, physical pamperings we gave each other, the innocence i made u lose, our marche's, sizzler's ban mianning, kuay chapping, hugs, kisses. the warmth of our bodies underneath your comforter, our shopping trips, even the rougher times we've had. i know its been a tumultous year over for you, i'm a very difficult person to get along with. hence i dont deserve what you have in you, for myself. u belong to so much more people, i haven't learnt to deal with that yet
Most of all, i miss you, and i already know i cannot end this with a simple 'come back to me', and please dont, i've clearly shown my immaturity in handling people and their hearts, i disgust me, and the people around me too. hopefully i havent been too possessive along the way, please be careful when u meet anoymous people, please? they can end up hurting you beyond even you, like how i've hurt you.
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