In betweens.

Dear J,

i kinda miss you. stuff we'd do together. jokes i'd crack that you'd laugh to.

i dont really know how to approach the subject. you make me want to better myself. even if it isnt supposed to be for you, or us, for that matter.

it sucks when i see my friends happily attached. it sucks feeling like a third wheel, period. it sucks when i know the endearing stuff people do when alone, and i'm blatantly there, sticking out like a sore thumb. it also sucks when i know you arent the type that can be rushed. i just feel that much more inhibited.

but nothing sucks more than that creeping feeling that i wouldnt be different had you not been there for me or not have appeared in my life. friendship is an involuntary reflex and to some extent, i even feel its pre-ordained.

but what are we?
friends? lovers? in betweens?

then came the hand holdings, the late night giggly suppers, incessantly spontaneous joyful memories and one great big warm hug after, that was it. i was yours. still am. i'm not as unattainable as you think me to be. i dont see why you're tangibly insecure. for the past year i've known you you're the only real girl i've dated since we even knew each other.

but why dont i want to move on even if i feel myself losing priority in your life. you're the long suffering hard working impeccably polite and mannered girl to set me straight. i'd like to think us as beacons in each other's darkness. you compliment me. i'm just full of white hot emo rage and you're what i need. screw what i want.

am i just dreaming up everything, or is what both of us mutually experiencing through each other, tangible. waiting is torturous when reasons stay unknown.

some mistakes need to be made.

because i need to make this mistake with you, thats what.