Ghosts of the past cripple the present and inhibit our future

i love you too dad. sometimes its extremely hard to convey that. especially in a father son relationship. i know you've spent your whole life working hard and being very conservative be it money or perspective and you uphold values like piety, respect and responsibility very much.

i just want to say that be it me forgetting to wipe the bathroom after i bathe, or forgetting to close a window when i go out, it doesnt mean i want to convey arrogance or make u angry. sometimes i wonder why when i take expressive effort to angle something i say in a way that the 'arrogance' or 'disrespect' level is alot lower but you just let it go un-noticed. give me some credit for being able to make things come out the right way. please?

i dont think the world ends when mummy makes the house dirty. i dont think the world ends when charmaine is being annoying about dinner after she wakes up from oversleeping. the world also doesnt end when computers break down, or electrical appliances are accidentally left on, or fridge doors left open. i know these things may seem highly important, and yes, anyone can make a choice to come to the extremist conclusion that people are irresponsible/hopeless/useless/nuisances. whatever your choice turns out to be we're still family. and thats about the only conclusion that matters.

many a time its very easy to ask this useless irresponsible son of yours to shut up. having no place in the family to comment nor make observations. we all have versions of our own truths. we also like to beat down any idea that comes along the way. its easy to flaw a person and make character assasinations based on a person's opinion. but i personally dont believe thats in any way constructive to either parties nor the whole family unit. in a short space of time yes, we feel empowered being able to shut people out, and up, overtime people also learn that being treated like that is highly discouraging and stop seeking for approvals or counter opinions. at the end of a few years, thats how people stop communicating, or alot less, which isn't any better.

i admit i havent been the most tactful responsible hardworking dilligent disciplined favourite person. just by the previous sentence i hope i have expressed that i explicitly know what my flaws are, and where my motivational pitfalls lie. happiness isnt tolerance. it is not even a close substitute. happiness coexists with unplesantness, arguments, fights, screamings, tears, colorful language and some nights you just cant sleep peacefully. but that's precisely the whole beauty of life and family. god makes every weird family mix work out. even if it doesnt yet work out we stick to trying. we arent supposed to shut people out, nor avoid people completely. should that happen then they're bad signs. expressing one's self is highly important, i say that to all of us.

if charmaine needs to eat or buy her food alone, tell her. she's old enough and capable enough to get her own dinner or eat out with her friends. please dont say that 'telling people no use'. many things have to be repeated even if its sian or irritating to repeat. if you feel that providing for a daughter's dinner is essential to feel 'fatherly' then tell her that its something u do for her because you're her father, not her slave. do something often and people expect it all the time. its human nature because its convenient to let it be.

to charmaine: you're old enough to get your own dinner, please talk to daddy. try not doing anything which he will misunderstand to be you not being happy about dinner not being bought for you. knowing he isnt someone who expresses his emotions easily just make it easier for him. if its important people settle your dinner for you then save up pocket money and try paying for catering every day to the house just for one person. yes its stupid and a waste of money but at least it doesnt get anyone upset over a small matter.

the intention was never to paint a nice picture of myself. i have tonnes of flaws. if starting an email thread gets the resentment out and harmony in for everybody, i am all for it. just, please, make it constructive and cut out the self opinion additions and bad words out(to dad), be more articulate and precise about what u want to say, and state underlying emotions and motivations if any (for charmaine) and state all spontaneous decisions(to mummy)

Love,
Vic.

sure do hope i get a reply soon.

In betweens.

Dear J,

i kinda miss you. stuff we'd do together. jokes i'd crack that you'd laugh to.

i dont really know how to approach the subject. you make me want to better myself. even if it isnt supposed to be for you, or us, for that matter.

it sucks when i see my friends happily attached. it sucks feeling like a third wheel, period. it sucks when i know the endearing stuff people do when alone, and i'm blatantly there, sticking out like a sore thumb. it also sucks when i know you arent the type that can be rushed. i just feel that much more inhibited.

but nothing sucks more than that creeping feeling that i wouldnt be different had you not been there for me or not have appeared in my life. friendship is an involuntary reflex and to some extent, i even feel its pre-ordained.

but what are we?
friends? lovers? in betweens?

then came the hand holdings, the late night giggly suppers, incessantly spontaneous joyful memories and one great big warm hug after, that was it. i was yours. still am. i'm not as unattainable as you think me to be. i dont see why you're tangibly insecure. for the past year i've known you you're the only real girl i've dated since we even knew each other.

but why dont i want to move on even if i feel myself losing priority in your life. you're the long suffering hard working impeccably polite and mannered girl to set me straight. i'd like to think us as beacons in each other's darkness. you compliment me. i'm just full of white hot emo rage and you're what i need. screw what i want.

am i just dreaming up everything, or is what both of us mutually experiencing through each other, tangible. waiting is torturous when reasons stay unknown.

some mistakes need to be made.

because i need to make this mistake with you, thats what.