Stasis

A stasis I am in right now. I keep thinking of her. Kept thinking how I met her. How we got to know each other better. How we slept together, dreamt together. How we were in love. Yet this still haunts and daunts me. How did we ever come apart. Nights and nights I’ve cried to myself, turned to god, sunk into bouts of depression. How I wished I could share more of me with her. How I could kiss her lips once again. Embrace her. Cuddle her. To want no more in life but her. That she would make me complete. Now she’s gone its like some crucial organ had been decapitated from me. I don’t eat sleep sing or smile or joke as jovially anymore. Is this how it eventuates out to be? Subtle gradual acceptance of this breakup? It devours me so.

I really miss her. Yearning. Anticipating. Waiting. Its some place I haven’t been to before. Some place not many people can say they’ve been to. That convulsive churning desire enveloping every inch of your body. The basal desire for companionship. Hers. She seldom talked to me. I must have been indignant. Maybe I ignored her. Maybe her selflessness didn’t allow her to bring to my attention her feelings for me were gone. Maybe it was a role play. Its been over a year now. Come back to me. Take advantage of me. I don’t care anymore. I want her so badly it hurts.

Dear time. Please turn back. It is said u were the only entity in the universe which would embrace the emotion of love. Unveil yourself. Go back to the times we would embrace. Now pause. Go back to the times we would kiss. Now pause. Go back to the times we were happy and cheerful. Now pause. Go back to the times we didn’t want more. Once again pause. Much thanks, sweet time. Don’t go forward? Please? Time? I like it here. Its tranquil. Its warm. I am happy here. Should you move on I shall suffer pain. I shall be sad. I shall suffer rejection. I shall be disdained. But I will still yearn for her. Still love her. Still want her. Still give my all. Still do crazy things for her. Still want to make her happy. Still be overwhelmed by her. Enveloped in what was our sweet love. I love her.

Ballads I listen to. They sadden me and make me think of her. Food loses its interest. Life is dry when the river of love dries up. Parched we become. Insatiable thirst unquenched. Dear god. Is our insatiable thirst such as so? Love? To be loved? To love? If there be a tree of love. Lord thy temptation be great to eat its fruit. By my side, emptiness. Only with her will I be sanctified. Love to redeem I shall want.

Confusion. Anger. Pain. Suffering. Tears. Humility. Redemption. Heartache. Desire. Hunger. Insanity. And confusion again. What is this mysterious strength holding me back. This strength which incapacitates me. Knocks me senseless. I want her heart. Does she still want mine? Its barely intact. Coronary glue, I shall need. Wholeness eludes. Women I do not want. Her I do. Yet have her I cannot. Difficult be, this test of god.

What do I do now? Someone tell me.