Hope.

I meet her for late dinner after watching the movie 'The Sentinel'. We end up having lots of laughs, talking bout history, more laughs, feeling totally comfortable with each other. 'Hey wanna come up to my place?' 'Sure.' I was not expecting anything to happen. I am the kind to excercise self control. She asks about catholicism vs. christianity and i clarify her doubts as calmly and composed as i can. We watch Spongebob Squarepants together. Then she offs the lights for pillow talk. 'Stay till the rain ends'. 'Oh, okay, thanks'.

Then she lights her aroma candles, taps the lava lamp. She closes the curtains and turns on some deephouse. Then she offs the lights and leans close to me. We start talking. The music is intruigingly hypnotic. I fall into a Trance. We talk some more. 'This is a cosy room huh, like it?' 'Of course i do, its lovely.' Yea all my friends say so, thats why they like to stay over'. 'I think my friend is prettier than me, when we club all the guys keep asking her for her phone number, its never me.' 'Why not you?' 'Maybe i look fierce haha' 'Nah, u dont, you're a very nice person'.

I get so in the mood i keep wanting to kiss her but i dont. I know she'll say no. Then we talk about her ex boyfriends and the current guy she likes. I bend over and ask her slowly. 'Can i kiss you?' 'Oh, no, don't.' 'Okay'. 'Alot of guys have said that to me before'.

Am i just another guy? I think to myself. 'Oh rain's stopped'. 'Yea i better get going too'. At the door she asks: 'What made u want to kiss me? maybe u think too much'. Maybe i have. 'A kiss is just a kiss, nothing more, dont think too much too k?' But the fact i wanted to. That says volumes of who you are. But i didnt get to say that. I just walked home in the drizzle. Thinking about the relationships i had in the past. I truely affirm to myself that attraction is sometimes ambience. She certainly knew how to create that. Sometimes it feels good to fall for something like that, even though you know you are going to.

It surely wasn't lust. I had not intended of having intimacy beyond a certain point. Had it been beyond that point i would have pulled a stop. But i do know i am very comfortable with her. And she has this sullen vulnerable aura about her which makes you feel you want to get to know her better. And that i did. She let me know her better. It is reward enough. Will i see her again?

I want to.

Hope teases you sometimes.

I hope i get to Love again.

Amen.