ellusive redemption

Sometimes, redemption, or the need we(I) find in attaining it, propels us to greater things, provided we are mature enough to not get caught up in the little things. once we settle our own theoretical selves, little things will come to make it all worthwhile.

Thanks xiaowen, for loving me, and letting me try to love you, which i did not do well at all, better luck next time, hope your man finds the gem in you(which is you) which i saw too

Lovers are all aspiring gemologists, once you've fallen in love at first sight, you'll never stop trying

Thank you for planting the seed in me to try, and to love, and even the need to not love each other anymore, i never saw its need my way, now i've been enlightened by you, once i tried to see it your way, and your attempts to unblind me and my ravageous lust for love, which i let, corrupt me thru the ebbing of logic and reason. corruption of love leads to hatred, hatred leads to anger, anger is blind and can only see again, with love. anger also leads to violence(mental violence) 'violence is the last refuge of incompetence', as the words of issac asimov.

Maybe u felt that i had never loved you, guess i got carried away trying to synthesize a 'fall in love' and hence anticipated a sort of recipocration known as 'to be loved', bad mistake. i contradicted me by hoping if i could synthesize the proper channels of love and recipocration, i could attain love and cherishment thru exploitation of circumstance and will. i blinded myself so willingly, that i outsmarted me by self-denial, counter justification of the values of love with simple emotional math. sorry i took up one over year of your time. u already know u deserve someone better.

I loved it when we first ate at marche, and even our first bath together(and erm consequent ones) sorry i was rude to menghui because i used to think she was a twerp >_<'' thanks for letting me kiss you, and hug you, and give u masasges with the body shop massage oil u bought me (er, ya hor, why u buy ah? hurhur) i know u love hot water, u know i love cold water, at least i had fun turning the cold water on when u were using the hot, but u also intently turned up the heat when it was my turn T_T'', i still remember the apricot scrub we used to share, exfoiliation anyone?

Thanks for letting me eat you, yes i know i was rather bad at it, but i noticed your breath quicken when i did it right. forgot when liao, i need refresher courses with a larger sampling size of women i guess haiz. sorry for making you feel as if i want a blowjob that badly. there were times i really didnt have to have one. u didnt believe that i could eat you and not want to be eaten? why not? ur wierd, cant u just take it for it?(i even went to use up what ever i had stored over the week, or two on tissue papers, so as not to plant the wrong seeds in you that u had to recipocrate, ugh, frustration. so i did a 180 degrees on you and u slowly became repulsive. irony. so maybe i wanted to love you more than you did me, keyword: wanted.

When u stopped coming over, i thot i had started to see better, and took it as a loss of effort, when u took it as an avoidance with my dad then. i'm so much better with him now. so anyway i went to the furthest extent of me, to keep us alive, i went over, brought u your favourite handmade noodles(no ikan bilis, no mushrooms), clothes(my lovely sajc wafer shorts T_T), magazines(cleo, herworld, women's weekly, etc), my beloved U-pillow(how's it doing? got my smell anot? =) took cabs there cos i was lazy, and i wanted to see you asap, get u the food as hot and fresh as possible, together with the barang barang i had with me, but u thot i wanted a blowjob asap, well, i usually wank before the whole process, thats why i crash your bed after that, wanking induces sleep hormones =.=zz and also because i had army throughout this period, i overated my potential as a lover and felt i was ready for a fullblown relationship so as to spend more productive time with you.

I used to pop by after camp, with breakfast from delifrance, or fried doughsticks salads, or breadtalk bread, or jurong pt kopitiam hand made noodles, when i couldnt run home to get it. and ya, sorry for the de-sugared stuffs i get you, or cook you, but i know you've got diabetes under control now, congrats on your insulin pump *pumps fist in air* saved u quite a few years of pain, and could very well extend life expectantcy a few years too.

When i saw that your mum was horribly overworked, i was rejuvenated by a new resolve. I tried to see her the way u saw her, albeit never the complete picture u saw, you're ultimately her daughter, me, a worthless outsider. but she was sweet and her toil brought about a radiance about her that i will always be inspired by. hope your dad is inspired by her too. i knew the busy timings she had in the mornings because u told me not to be late if i wanted to help. i did, so i rush after doing nite duty the night before about 10pm to 7am and rush from camp to be in time and i'm zonked by evening or even early afternoon.

My health took a turn for the worse, i was falling sick and i was causing accidents at the stall, i told myself to not help if i couldnt do it properly at all, worse if i got your mum sick, i would never forgive myself for that. anyway if u think i worked for the money, most of the money she gave me went to cab fares to you, paying phone bills, making my ends meet before i brazenly tried to make the ends of others meet. sorry for helping improperly. sometimes i want u to stop helping because it affects your health too, with lethargy and all, i'm horribly inaccurate in all my biological knowledge and anyhow applications.

But whenever u need someone to fix your fluorescent ceiling lights, 'try' to repair your computer, play with you gunbound(yay, i mastered nak and fwoggy!) help your mum when u u feel she needs it and u got school or wana chill the saturday with joan or have project work. when u need someone to talk to, or are stuck at some place in some deserted somewhere, u know can ask me to fetch u home, i'd try to be there for u as a friend, if i couldnt do it when i was a lousy lover, maybe keeping what we had would de-cloud my vision. platonicism.

I think kejun's a bright young star whom i know u love. your sisterly love shines through stronger than whatever we had. i even went as far as to try to be her sister when she was with me, at pools and all, if i couldnt realise my lofty ambitions, maybe i help her materialise hers, they were genuinely more innocently happy. we could be jioing each other soon, i'd pass the magazines meant for u to her, that brat loves to read! heh. kejun if u read this, yes u are a brat >_<''

Have u brought shaggy to get a haircut? aiyoh that dogs hair is tangly and long man, i'ma miss shaggy too, and yea, the pandan leaf experiment was cute, we faked shaggy so so many a time buahaha, i'm so mean

I miss what we had, i miss your family, your dog, our baths, our mutual teasings, physical pamperings we gave each other, the innocence i made u lose, our marche's, sizzler's ban mianning, kuay chapping, hugs, kisses. the warmth of our bodies underneath your comforter, our shopping trips, even the rougher times we've had. i know its been a tumultous year over for you, i'm a very difficult person to get along with. hence i dont deserve what you have in you, for myself. u belong to so much more people, i haven't learnt to deal with that yet

Most of all, i miss you, and i already know i cannot end this with a simple 'come back to me', and please dont, i've clearly shown my immaturity in handling people and their hearts, i disgust me, and the people around me too. hopefully i havent been too possessive along the way, please be careful when u meet anoymous people, please? they can end up hurting you beyond even you, like how i've hurt you.