Victor and Vanquished

Gosh, its been so long and yet...

2012-01-16T05:26:00.001+08:00

Rawr means i love you Chiam! (in dinosaurish)

2011-05-11T00:29:00.000+08:00

Well, little other known facts throughout the course of Chiam's mandate.

PAP losing election 1: NTUC taken away (its okay we don't need them anyway =)

PAP losing election 2: POSB branch taken away (its okay we save more money =)

PAP losing election 3: Reroute bus service 147 so that it does not feeder past Potong Pasir anymore. (Service 147 used to feeder from Hougang to Potong Pasir, like how 142 feeders around Toa Payoh and Potong Pasir)

PAP losing election 4: Right after the threats of no upgrading of HDB nor its lifts (wax lyrical much, PAP?)

PAP losing election 5: After GST was hiked, cost of living being too high and wages not proportioning to the people's equity. As righteous a response the people of Potong Pasir could have held true to.

PAP winning election 6: After the people who decided in their 30s they didnt need your stinking lifts... they are in their 60s now thanks to the long awaited political epiphany of the rest of Singapore (i call this virgin democratic lag). You were lucky to take us with your measly 78 votes and crawl past the legendary leader we have had all these years. (Chiam for President!)

For your vehemence and maliciousness, you have fused the hearts of the people of Potong Pasir. 7 coffeeshops and 5 minimarts have sprouted to accomodate the Estate's needs. We have a furniture store, bicycle kiosks, spectacle shops, handphone shops, 8 hair saloons, an aquarium, 4 tuition agencies, 2 music/dance schools, a daycare centre, 3 handyman DIY stores, 2 bakeries and 3 chinese medical halls, 5 GP clinics and plenty of HEART to go around. NONE of which are thanks to PAP, ever.

In typical PAP pettiness, you had to dispute whether or not to name the MRT station built right in our estate zone "Potong Pasir" or "Senett Estate" after all that you're done.

Then you throw obstacles in Chiam's way when he tried to fully fund Sheltered Walkways from the MRT to the nearest HDB walkways and make it difficult for him to use the saved up conservancy fee for the huge lift project he had by implementing your silly 10% Sink Fund rule: 10% of town council funds MAX can be used at any one time for any project subject to PAP approval, [dear PAP, wtf? its not even your money]

Unlike the previously reported sink funds of town councils like Sembawang that have excesses of a few billion dollars with fund managers trying to roll your money, the prudent Potong Pasir estate has a measly amount.

For someone like Chiam who needed a better bid for his lift project, that 10% rule basically stops him from executing anything unless you elitists approve, but i guess hedge funds, blue chips and commodities trading has the seal of your wanton approval.

Come 2016, you shall witness vindication of our Kampong Potong Pasir pride, for you have done NOTHING in these 27 years that deems you worthy as Chiam's equal nor you worthy of redemption as you wax richer and more depraved each day.

The brilliance of his soul and ours tramples you underfoot as it shall once again.

Looks like the only freak election result for GE 2011 is Potong Pasir.

Singapore, whats taking you so long to achieve political rapture?

Consumerism saves the day

2010-01-02T13:51:00.004+08:00

Okay so i got yelled at for being a nice guy and letting someone use the pc i bought for charmaine, BIG DEAL. i got her a laptop didnt i? laptop spoil then I FIX LA. cannot wait isit? In the mean time since we're all so calculative, then gimme back the laptop i gave YOUR friends. now now, no, no later, NOW!

Everything has to end with a victor why u not success yet victor why things break down victor why u cannot fix it now victor why you talk to me like that victor why do your parents blame you for everything but themselves dont wana level up and channel levelled up attributes properly so their hero doesnt suck.

i found the solution. <-- go me!

BUY NEW CLOSET NOW NOW.

okay so i have this theory aeons ago... my dad started sleeping in the living room and he 'gave' me his closet. since that episode my mum had to move ONE CLOSET full of 1975 fashion and accessories out and dump in all around any available crevice in her room so my dad can use the supposedly spare closet. SO if i get a new closet:

1. i can get vintage and pungent closet out of my room and into the balcony...

2. my dad can get his stuff out and use back his old closet from 1975 and its a bigger closet, so...

3. my mum can have back her personal space and clean up her room... meaning that...

4. territory lines in my house are redrawn.... so like in romance of the three kingdoms...

5. wei(father) wu(mother) and shu(me) territories are satisfied and wont be left wanting.

NEW closet bonuses: (stacked)

1. new closet is definitely cooler.

2. its smaller and more functional and compact.

3. it has a mirror so i can see my ugly self everyday and hopefully talk down to myself in the mirror enough to do more weights and situps and pushups and look good and momentumise that to have a good thing going and get married to some hot bimbo and have 300 kids so i can look at my 300 and go THISSS ISSS AWESOMEEEEEE, (then i ask who's your daddy and enjoy the warcry)

4. with more space i can throw in another bed. dunno for what though. maybe dating then can bring girls home(i wish) and if wishes come true... i will have the capacity to accomodate! since capacity to accomodate > dreams coming true, and are also awesome precursors to facilitate that.

5. i can finally do up charmaine's com too. (subplot can be acheived because i'm finally more organised)

SO...
if all the problems in the world can be slowly mitigate by consumerism so be it. i shall spend time and money and energy into making home awesome but still threaten to move out if the parents keep using the same stale stinko lines at me which include and encompass, but are not restricted to the following:- (rebuttals in brackets)

WHO BUY ONE
(nbcb u buy one big fark isit limpeh can buy erso)

WHY YOU NOT SUCCESS YET
(cos u all arent and i spent all my money on people we love so we're the same)

WHY YOU SO GENEROUS U VERY RICH ISIT
(i'm generous and rich thats why i can pay the electricity and internet and cable bills and buy u stuff like a new TEEVEE and COMPUTER and it goes to the home anyway and besides its an awesome way to keep positive channeling fortune coming in)

WHY U NEVER COME HOME
(cos i sleep over at girls house cannot isit, okay next time i bring girls home u want?)
[note to self: must buy another bed before pulling this stunt, so it doesnt backfire]

WHY U NEVER BUY THINGS FOR THE HOUSE
(cos the fridge is in chaotic pandemonium, like ground zero but temperature almost zero also, hey... victor why u have a fridge in your room...)

I feel like Liubei finally getting a Kongming grapple on things. Just don't think too far cos all of u know how shu guo ended. So i have to get married and move out before that, and sidestep the decline period.

Volatility.

2009-10-17T16:44:00.002+08:00

My grandmother just had a heart attack 3 days ago. But she's fine now.

Life's so hard and volatile i've decided that few things matter as much. This isn't about where we end up in the afterlife but its silly for me to be passive aggressive most of the time like some trigger explosive, with that i would like to resolve to be a nicer person, more accepting of people and their ways even if this isn't reciprocated. I'm far from perfect myself and have too long a way to go to even begin criticizing others

Another thing happened in between this period while we were a bunch of co-workers playing dota after work. I hadn't known i was playing a game with actual people in the room and i was a little short tempered, making unneccesary comments about the people playing together with me in the same room. As you can guess i had to end up apologising profusely and i had no other option but to humble myself even when they said it was alright.

This brings me to question all of us. What's really important? I think i have a few misconceptions i would like to rectify and re-configure before i have a heart attack myself.

At the end of all our mortal phases here, when all your friends and even enemies sit around talking about you, how you live, how you died et al, truths will prevail. Misunderstandings will clear up, its like a proverbial weighing scale of sorts albeit no they dont decide where u do go in your afterlife however they are and will continue to be a good indicator.

Resolving to change, i shall.

Emolia.

2009-07-15T01:08:00.003+08:00

"When you know whatever u say, wont get through."
dont talk like u have the unique ability of listening.

"When you know that even those closest have given up and are just playing nice."
again, talk after you've actually done something remotely close.

"When you know that you can't change the fucked up in people."
or miss the fucked up in thyself.

"You just give up like the rest of the world."
someone needs to stop emoing and start comprehending.

"The world is always wrong. Everyone is at fault. Everyone wakes up at 4 pm and cleans your pee bottle for you, cos everyone has too."
yea and silly me helped someone who i believe totally is undeserving of help move house. go me.

"You meant this much ( a post), and be gone. Cos money is all that need to pay you off, apparently."
some people just never bother looking at themselves and wonder if they were the root cause of problems to begin with, ever. once the dust settles, you'll come to realise you embody collateral damage wherever u go.

thats my problem. i'm always fucking extra. see where it lands me.

You Have Two Options.

2009-03-28T18:05:00.003+08:00

---
1. Love Me
2. Leave Me

Hello!

Today is neither here nor there, just the day we went swimming. I guess the day before my appointment, too...

Heh. It seems so long ago that i paced the entire ground floor of HMV(nearly wearing out my shoes), going pass the mirror in that footwear shop 2139 times, waiting for you till the cows(and cowboy) went home. The 2 hour dinner at marche, your "do u know the difference between a meal and dinner?", the tour to meridian hotel, the walk back to dhoby ghaut, you sending me back home.

Haha... The fragmented memories of us meeting at Jurong East, going over to chinatown for fish porridge... Having fish porridge at my void deck. You coming over just to install warcraft. It seems like we've been thru so many things in ten short months. Hugs. Kisses. *censored* massages, quarrels and all.

Today was scary. It seemed to me you were dropping veiled hints/threats all day about no longer wanting me. Suddenly my heart got heavier, and it occurred to me that when one day you really get tired of me i should really get worried. Hahaha. Right now i'm not sure how to continue. But at least now i know how you feel whenever i mention a breakup.

Whenever i sit down to think about it, i think its quite amazing how you haven't requested for a breakup. Keeping in view the number of times i get cranky and (almost) impossibly unreasonable. You give in to me very often, and let me have my way, and the last word on most things. You shower me with roses, hugs, love and a whole lot of kisses. You dote on Kejun and Shaggy, and you travel alot. You put in alot of effort to not let me feel insecure, and you cook for me too. You massage me, tease me, play badminton with me, and invariably make me cantankerous.

The only thing i'm certain i give you is hard ons. Ugh. I'm sure i give you headaches and heartaches too...

Haha. You make me laugh alot too... and you let me lick your toes *yum* you also allow me to get rowr rowr at you...

Certainly you (unknowingly) give me alittle bit . <-- this little bit of insecurity. and heataches too. But nah. I'm not insecure, not over you. I trust you, alot. You motivate me sometimes, make me procrastinate at other times. Sometimes you make me feel . <-- this much intelligent. Argh. I cannot deal with you when you're bad tempered, too.

Heh. Those are not excuses for me threatening to break-up, over and over again. I'm pretty sure you're tired of my apologies, too.

Therefore i shan't say i'm sorry. (even though i am). Actions speak louder than words. I shall try my bestest to keep you till you decide i'm too much hassle, haha. In the meantime, i am sure we'd be able to overcome whatever obstacles that stand in our way, together. After all, we are more or less experienced. =)

From now till i become an old crone, you shall hafta continue tolerating my crankiness (which i will try to curb) while i shall go about learning how to deal with you.

I love you, Victor Chen. Don't give up hope on us yet.

Your Xiaowen. 18/11/2004

I suggest you take option 1 (My life depends on it.)
---

A letter found while cleaning my room today. One i am reading for the first time, in 2009.
Sometimes i really wonder how she is.

Pew Pew'ed.

2009-03-27T01:43:00.001+08:00

When i get pew pew'ed 2 things happen.

Either i pew pew back or i take the shot and i quit the game.

GG.

Pew pew.

2009-03-15T00:51:00.004+08:00

Rules:It's harder than it looks! Copy to your own note, erase my answers, enter yours, and tag twenty people.Use the first letter of your name to answer each of the following questions. They have to be real...nothing made up! If the person before you had the same first initial, you must use different answers. You cannot use any word twice and you can't use your name for the boy/girl name question.

1. What is your name : Victor
2. A four Letter Word : Vain
3. A boy's Name : Vincent
(next nearest V name people mistake me by)
4. A girl's Name : Vanessa
5. An occupation : Ventroloquist (only one left is Veterinarian)
6. A color : Violet
7. Something you'll wear : Vibrator (seriously? no. nuh uh. NEXT.)
9. A food : Venison (deer meat)
10. Something found in the bathroom: Ventilation
(If u dont already have it, get it. quick.)
11. A place : Venice
12. A reason for being late : Very ___
(fill in excuse, e.g. hot/long traffic jam/packed bus)
13. Something you'd shout : VENGEANCE! (RAWR)
14. A movie title : V for Vendetta (i know i'm good)
15. Something you drink : VODKA (thank you God.)
16. A musical group : Venga Boys (oldskool ftw)
17. An animal : Viper
18. A street name : Victoria Street
(hopefully her secrets are here too)
19. A type of car : Volkswagen (God is pwning this quiz.)
20. The title of a song : Viva la Vida - Coldplay (what can i say...)

Well i dont know where 8. went. Seems missing. Time to channel wit elsewere more productive.

Ghosts of the past cripple the present and inhibit our future

2009-02-20T00:17:00.001+08:00

i love you too dad. sometimes its extremely hard to convey that. especially in a father son relationship. i know you've spent your whole life working hard and being very conservative be it money or perspective and you uphold values like piety, respect and responsibility very much.

i just want to say that be it me forgetting to wipe the bathroom after i bathe, or forgetting to close a window when i go out, it doesnt mean i want to convey arrogance or make u angry. sometimes i wonder why when i take expressive effort to angle something i say in a way that the 'arrogance' or 'disrespect' level is alot lower but you just let it go un-noticed. give me some credit for being able to make things come out the right way. please?

i dont think the world ends when mummy makes the house dirty. i dont think the world ends when charmaine is being annoying about dinner after she wakes up from oversleeping. the world also doesnt end when computers break down, or electrical appliances are accidentally left on, or fridge doors left open. i know these things may seem highly important, and yes, anyone can make a choice to come to the extremist conclusion that people are irresponsible/hopeless/useless/nuisances. whatever your choice turns out to be we're still family. and thats about the only conclusion that matters.

many a time its very easy to ask this useless irresponsible son of yours to shut up. having no place in the family to comment nor make observations. we all have versions of our own truths. we also like to beat down any idea that comes along the way. its easy to flaw a person and make character assasinations based on a person's opinion. but i personally dont believe thats in any way constructive to either parties nor the whole family unit. in a short space of time yes, we feel empowered being able to shut people out, and up, overtime people also learn that being treated like that is highly discouraging and stop seeking for approvals or counter opinions. at the end of a few years, thats how people stop communicating, or alot less, which isn't any better.

i admit i havent been the most tactful responsible hardworking dilligent disciplined favourite person. just by the previous sentence i hope i have expressed that i explicitly know what my flaws are, and where my motivational pitfalls lie. happiness isnt tolerance. it is not even a close substitute. happiness coexists with unplesantness, arguments, fights, screamings, tears, colorful language and some nights you just cant sleep peacefully. but that's precisely the whole beauty of life and family. god makes every weird family mix work out. even if it doesnt yet work out we stick to trying. we arent supposed to shut people out, nor avoid people completely. should that happen then they're bad signs. expressing one's self is highly important, i say that to all of us.

if charmaine needs to eat or buy her food alone, tell her. she's old enough and capable enough to get her own dinner or eat out with her friends. please dont say that 'telling people no use'. many things have to be repeated even if its sian or irritating to repeat. if you feel that providing for a daughter's dinner is essential to feel 'fatherly' then tell her that its something u do for her because you're her father, not her slave. do something often and people expect it all the time. its human nature because its convenient to let it be.

to charmaine: you're old enough to get your own dinner, please talk to daddy. try not doing anything which he will misunderstand to be you not being happy about dinner not being bought for you. knowing he isnt someone who expresses his emotions easily just make it easier for him. if its important people settle your dinner for you then save up pocket money and try paying for catering every day to the house just for one person. yes its stupid and a waste of money but at least it doesnt get anyone upset over a small matter.

the intention was never to paint a nice picture of myself. i have tonnes of flaws. if starting an email thread gets the resentment out and harmony in for everybody, i am all for it. just, please, make it constructive and cut out the self opinion additions and bad words out(to dad), be more articulate and precise about what u want to say, and state underlying emotions and motivations if any (for charmaine) and state all spontaneous decisions(to mummy)

Love,
Vic.

sure do hope i get a reply soon.

In betweens.

2009-02-08T23:52:00.005+08:00

Dear J,

i kinda miss you. stuff we'd do together. jokes i'd crack that you'd laugh to.

i dont really know how to approach the subject. you make me want to better myself. even if it isnt supposed to be for you, or us, for that matter.

it sucks when i see my friends happily attached. it sucks feeling like a third wheel, period. it sucks when i know the endearing stuff people do when alone, and i'm blatantly there, sticking out like a sore thumb. it also sucks when i know you arent the type that can be rushed. i just feel that much more inhibited.

but nothing sucks more than that creeping feeling that i wouldnt be different had you not been there for me or not have appeared in my life. friendship is an involuntary reflex and to some extent, i even feel its pre-ordained.

but what are we?
friends? lovers? in betweens?

then came the hand holdings, the late night giggly suppers, incessantly spontaneous joyful memories and one great big warm hug after, that was it. i was yours. still am. i'm not as unattainable as you think me to be. i dont see why you're tangibly insecure. for the past year i've known you you're the only real girl i've dated since we even knew each other.

but why dont i want to move on even if i feel myself losing priority in your life. you're the long suffering hard working impeccably polite and mannered girl to set me straight. i'd like to think us as beacons in each other's darkness. you compliment me. i'm just full of white hot emo rage and you're what i need. screw what i want.

am i just dreaming up everything, or is what both of us mutually experiencing through each other, tangible. waiting is torturous when reasons stay unknown.

some mistakes need to be made.

because i need to make this mistake with you, thats what.

bummer.

2008-10-19T17:03:00.000+08:00

You are a DIRECTOR / negotiatorYou are an innovator. You are an inventive, thorough, independent thinker with a deep interest in how the world works. You quickly grasp patterns and relationships. And when you focus on a particular work-related or social puzzle, you often come up with novel theories and ideas about it.

You have a strong need to achieve. You want to make an impact on the world. And with your aptitude for theoretical thinking, your investigative rigor, your logic and your determination, you are likely to win the honors your hard work deserves.

You are a complex person, outwardly assertive, logical and intellectual, yet likely to see the many sides of an issue, feel deep sympathy for others and enjoy the spiritual as well as the concrete.

You can be friendly, insightful and eager to please. These attributes, combined with your love of challenges and knowledge, make you an exciting, and at times, very sensitive companion.

Your Major and Minor Personality Types
Your major personality type = Director
Your minor personality type = Negotiator
E-Explorer - 27%
N-Negotiator - 31%
B-Builder - 10%
D-Director - 32%

Democracy.

2008-09-13T11:01:00.006+08:00

Theologian Rienhold Neibuhr - “Man’s capacity for justice makes democracy necessary”

But i feel the illuminati denizens assimilated into the hearts and ranks of society and governance have perverted and are still perverting the finest of men and ideals into what is a subtle hell on earth, relinquishing slowly but surely the will of original man and God's covenant with us.

For the agents of darkness have but one sole purpose here. To ensure as much flesh be unsaved as possible, and no amount of resource shall be spared to achieve that end.

What shall surely follow will be measures to induce us to forgo ourselves and the choice for eternal life and happiness as children of God once more, and to foolishly choose the bread which makes us but hungry once more, and not the bread of eternal life.

So brace well, dear humanity, for the democracies that are and will be, will be facades of facist feudalism to bring about a one world governance, and ultimately dictatorship.

Manufactured Democracy, the greatest crafted weapon of the agents of darkness thus far. For its reach deludes many and subjects all to relinquish themselves to the majority. For what we would like to believe is its most redeeming attribute, to also be the most effective catalyst to exploit our vulnerabilities.

Dear God, help us.

i narcissistic meh.

2008-06-13T00:04:00.000+08:00

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Low
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	Moderate
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Low
Histrionic:	Moderate
Narcissistic:	High
Avoidant:	Low
Dependent:	Low
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Moderate
-- Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Information --

O_o

2008-06-07T02:44:00.002+08:00

Happened to be able to find where lionel did this. so oh well:

Your view on yourself

You are intelligent, honest and sweet. You are friendly to everybody and don't like conflict. Because you're so cheerful and fun people are naturally attracted to you and like to talk to you.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for

You are not looking merely for a girl/boyfriend - you are looking for your life partner. Perhaps you should be more open-minded about who you spend time with. The person you are looking for might hide their charm under their exterior.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love

You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education

You may not like to study but you have many practical ideas. You listen to your own instincts and tend to follow your heart, so you will probably end up with an unusual job.

The right job for you

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success

You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of

You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self

You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

sigh.

A Toast.

2007-09-16T06:34:00.000+08:00

omg i miss ham. even if he wants to d2 w/o me. (yes i am too lazy to create character and play from lvl 1 on the best resolution of 800x600 only unless they come up with a 1280x1024 patch ftw).

Well, lets see. when i first got to know you. u were teaching me how to play a sven and told me i had bought the wrong items. >_<" then you sent maria home and alvin was like omg such a big fellow send maria home u all not scared ah. come on lets face it. come to think of it, you DO look like a 37yr old divorcee leh.

then omg i kept going over your place and talking to grandma. we went for 2 or 3 golfing thingys with your mum. u helped me take stuff from my old place. then there was the annie thing and not, and yes and no again. in between was jason, sharon, and johnny, fiq, angeline, other jason, eevel, alvin etc. afternoons spent at your school bumming. there was atf. rofl atf. endless suppers, booze, dirty jokes (with of course classy elegant spontaneity by yours truly, ahem!) them there was nokia and i still remember the awkward once only traumatising time we went to the woodlands church. boy what crazy ass ride we've carried each other for.

yes there were down times. i got angry, u got angry. we were both rawr rawr with each other. playing with subtle sarcasms and threading along as well as redefining the line of friendship. in fact i could very well have gone to cj and met u there too. lol. in your batch of course. then there was the whole dotalitics and rgn period too. then there was nokia and a new clique of friends.

A Toast. To wealth wasted on food and taxi's and shopping. To you driving and me giving wrong directions. To oogling at bah bah girls, ber- ding²s/dang²s/dong²s/dung²s/doong's. To movies. to jaychou and chaoge and sunyanzi. to comix. to anime. to my inciting you to liking seafood (prons).

Yam Seng. We've earned it. (">)

This over Genting. Zzz.

2007-09-14T07:34:00.000+08:00

What Victor Chen Means

V is for Visionary

I is for Influential

C is for Chipper

T is for Temperamental

O is for Old

R is for Rare

C is for Crazy

H is for Hilarious

E is for Energetic

N is for Naughty

What Does Your Name Mean?

Why.

2007-06-29T02:45:00.000+08:00

Do i feel judged. Do i see your displeasure. Do i feel animosity rising.

Do:

I owe a living to you. Or conscience prehaps. I question you? Or doubt you?

If not. Then...

Maybe it'd be nostalgic to see me from your eyes. Trying to put measures unto people. Why dost thou analyse me so? I needn't prove anything to thee. why the need to impose jurisdictions on another who is equally free as thee?

So what if to you i achieve nothing tantamount to what u would regard your own brand of success. So what if i am not the success you are? what grants you the urge to correct me? is it love? sympathy? or dominance. So what if for this whole life i remain optimistic and poor. So what if i scrim and save to stay boderline happy. This is my slippery slope to tackle. Let me.

Even if i wasnt paid. that can be put aside. i never insinuated the need for financial help from you. you wanted help. i gave it. i got nothing much in return really. maybe i am one of few. but if u can win my heart over as a friend its yours. I know i'm not getting paid. i keep quiet.

So what if interest is lost. so what if u have a girlfriend. so what if i will never be like you in the ways that would interest you so. So what if u think your brand of insensitive kindness is virtuous. Some kindnesses are better left dormant. Believe this.

Maybe u obliviously crossed a line. Come on. It was there. You know it was.

Never ask me to shave nor shame me in front of other people over my facial hair ever again.

I will not hesitate to burn bridges.

You want to coerce and traumatise something, kindly channel all that inertia unto something else. Like a certain company somebody works for. Pride comes before a fall. Even for self proclaimed intellectuals.

Rawr.

Hmm.

2007-04-11T05:52:00.001+08:00

There are 18 letters in your name.
Those 18 letters total to 97
There are 6 vowels and 12 consonants in your name.

What your first name means:

Spanish	Male	Victor.
Latin	Male	Conqueror.

Your number is: 7

The characteristics of #7 are: Analysis, understanding, knowledge, awareness, studious, meditating.

The expression or destiny for #7:

Thought, analysis, introspection, and seclusiveness are all characteristics of the expression number 7. The hallmark of the number 7 is a good mind, and especially good at searching out and finding the truth. You are so very capable of analyzing, judging and discriminating, that very little ever escapes your observation and deep understanding. You are the type of person that can really get involved in a search for wisdom or hidden truths, often becoming an authority on whatever it is your are focusing on. This can easily be of a technical or scientific nature, or it may be religious or occult, it matters very little, you pursue knowledge with the same sort of vigor. You can make a very fine teacher, or because of a natural inclination toward the spiritual, you may become deeply emerged in religious affairs or even psychic explorations. You tend to operate on a rather different wavelength, and many of your friends may not really know you very well. The positive aspects of the 7 expression are that you can be a true perfectionist in a very positive sense of the word. You are very logical, and usually employ a quite rational approach to most things you do. You can be so rational at times that you almost seem to lack emotion, and when you are faced with an emotional situation, you may have a bit of a problem coping with it. You have excellent capabilities to study and learn really deep and difficult subjects, and to search for hidden fundamentals. At full maturity you are likely to be a very peaceful and poised individual.

If there is an over supply of the number 7 in your makeup, the negative aspects of the number may be apparent. The chief negative of 7 relates to the limited degree of trust that you may have in people. A tendency to be highly introverted can make you a bit on the self-centered side, certainly very much self-contained . Because of this, you are not very adaptable, and you may tend to be overly critical and intolerant. You really like to work alone, at your own pace and in your own way. You neither show or understand emotions very well.

Your Soul Urge number is: 3

A Soul Urge number of 3 means:

With the Soul Urge number 3 your desire in life is personal expression, and generally enjoying life to its fullest. You want to participate in an active social life and enjoy a large circle of friends. You want to be in the limelight, expressing your artistic or intellectual talents. Word skills may be your thing; speaking, writing, acting, singing. In a positive sense, the 3 energy is friendly, outgoing and always very social.

You have a decidedly upbeat attitude that is rarely discouraged; a good mental and emotional balance.

The 3 Soul Urge gives intuitive insight, thus, very high creative and inspirational tendencies. The truly outstanding trait shown by the 3 Soul Urge is that of self-expression, regardless of the field of endeavor.

On the negative side, you may at times become too easygoing and too optimistic, tending to scatter forces and accomplish very little. Often, the excessive 3 energy produces non-stop talkers. Everyone has faults, but the 3 soul urge doesn't appreciate having these pointed out.

Your Inner Dream number is: 4

An Inner Dream number of 4 means:

You dream of being a very solid citizen that people can depend upon. You strive for organization and predictable order. You want to be recognized as a person with a plan and the discipline to make that plan work like clockwork.

http://www.paulsadowski.com/NameData.asp

Soul Path 3:

The Life Path 3 indicates that you entered this plane with a strong sense of creativity and with wonderful communication skills. Achievement for you most likely comes through engaging your ingenious expression. A truly gifted 3 possesses the most exceptional innovative skills, normally in the verbal realm, writing, speaking, acting, or similar endeavors. Here we are apt to find the entertainers of the world, bright, effervescent, sparkling people with very optimistic attitudes. The bright side of this path stresses harmony, beauty and pleasures; of sharing your inventive talents with the world. Capturing your capability in creative self-expression is the highest level of attainment for this life path.

Life is generally lived to the fullest, often without much worry about tomorrow. You are not very good at handling money because of a general lack of concern about it. You spend it when you have it and don't when you don't.

The 3 loves connecting with people. The characteristics of the 3 are warmth and friendliness, a good conversationalist, social and open. A good talker both from the standpoint of being a delight to listen to, but even more importantly, one who has the ability to listen to others. Accordingly, the life path 3 produces individuals who are always a welcome addition to any social situation and know how to make others feel at home. The approach to life tends to be exceedingly positive. Your disposition is almost surely sunny and openhearted. A happy and often inspired person, you are constantly seeking and needing the stimuli of similar people.

There is a remote side to your 3 Life Path, as well. This comes as a surprise to the native and to those who think they are well acquainted. The 3 is actually a very sensitive soul. When hurt, you can easily retreat to a shell of morose silence for extended periods. Nonetheless, the 3 eventually copes with all of the many setbacks that occur in life and readily bounces back for more. It is usually easy for you to deal with problems because you can freely admit the existence of problems without letting them get you down for too long. Because of your own sensitivity to hurt, you have a caring disposition and seem to be very conscious of other people's feelings and emotions.

In romance, the 3 is a very ardent and loyal lover. Affairs that don't go well can leave scares that seem to linger. Emotional experiences of all sorts tend to deeply touch the 3 and the drama may take some time to play out. Regrettably, the giving disposition of the 3 often attracts demanding partners. As with most of life's issues for the 3 Life Path, balance in relationships is illusive.

Your big test with a 3 Life Path is controlling your highs and lows. You won't survive very well in any routine environment or when you are placed under dominating management. Slow thinking and overly contemplative people tend to frustrate you, and you don't function too well with this type whether you are working for, with, or under them. Your exuberant nature can take you far, especially if you are ever able to focus your energies and talents.

For the few living on the negative side of this Life Path, a 3 may be so delighted with the joy of living that the life becomes frivolous and superficial. You may scatter your abilities and express little sense of purpose. The 3 can be an enigma, for no apparent reason you may become moody and tend to retreat. Escapist tendencies are not uncommon with the 3 life path, and you find it very hard to settle into one place or one position. Guard against being critical of others, impatient, intolerant, or overly optimistic.

Dream symbol: number four, 4, four, fours, fourth, 4

Interpretation:
A number of wholeness and security
Symmetry
Sudden and great change
Symbolic of the beginning of a new cycle, completion of an old cycle, or universal wholeness e.g. four phases of the moon, four compass points, four seasons, four elements
Transcendence into a higher realm
A homonym for being in support of something, standing for it
May indicate a person who behaves unconventionally, is non-materialistic, inventive, tolerant and an individualist

Remnants of Winnie the Pooh.

2007-04-01T05:47:00.000+08:00

Do you know how its like to be lonely?

To know people care, but harbour suspicion about their intentions?

To feel like you know too much?

To feel almost as though you are hiding life's secrets?

To want to cry but have no tears in your eyes even when its forced?

To hear sad songs and never have feelings anymore?

I'm all alone. I've tread the roads I never would have thought I'd tread.
I've felt lonely. I've been there. I do.

If i hadn't seen such riches, I'd make do with living poor.

I do.

Revelation.

2007-03-12T15:26:00.001+08:00

The above woodcuts are from Passional of Christ and Antichrist of 1521, illustrated by Lucas Cranach with captions by Martin Luther. These were the themes of other illustrations:

Christ fled from an earthly crown — Antichrist ever seeks earthly dominion
Christ is given a crown of thorns — Antichrist wears a triple crown of gold
Christ paid taxes — The Pope is exempt from taxes
Christ lived in humble poverty — Antichrist fares sumptuously
Christ was bowed to earth with the cross — The Pope is carried about in state
Christ rode into Jerusalem on a humble ass — Antichrist rides a beautiful, caparisoned steed
Christ sought neither silver nor gold — Antichrist rules cities and empires
Christ's kingdom was not with observation — Antichrist subjects the whole world
Christ drove out the moneychangers — The Pope sells indulgences.
Christ ascends to heaven — The Pope will descend into hell

Martin Luther summarized in a later edition of Passional of Christ and Antichrist:

"Christ and the pope are here presented opposite each other. Please note the case of each. It will not be difficult for you to decide whether or not the pope is the Antichrist, who is against our Lord Jesus Christ."

Ice Cream ftw.

2007-03-12T05:25:00.000+08:00

Something i found online. Enjoy.

Greetings! This reminds me of the caption "Out of the mouths of babes." The message was so precious that I had to send it on. Enjoy!

Saying Grace In A RestaurantLast week, I took my children to a restaurant.My six-year-old son asked if he could say grace.As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Mom gets us ice cream fordessert. And Liberty and justice for all! Amen!"Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?" As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job,and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentlemanapproached the table.

He winked at my son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer." "Really?" my son asked. "Cross my heart," the man replied.Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."Naturally, I bought my kids ice cream at the end of the meal. My son stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the rest of my life.He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here,this is for you. Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes; and my soul is good already!

Amen.

Asphyxiate.

2007-02-27T02:57:00.000+08:00

RT. Tests. Marketing Project to hand up. Getting more freelancing offers for IT. Moving. Momentum. Pumping stats. Washing last buckets of clothes. Change teases. Build. Repair. Reinforce. Much goes into self revolution. Thinking of those I've met. Those I will meet. Those that I will never again.

This is good. I like it.

Yet her i still miss. Yearn. Be breathless over.

Cuddle me. Embrace me. The warmth of our lips, pounding our hearts, exciting our lungs, exhilarating our limbs, escalating urge tears down walls we've built, asunder, tingling touch, art thou forlorn? To be Loved. Accepted. Whole again. I want it.

For now. Patience. Whilst my rejuvenate.

Asphyxiate.

Baby Ben.

2007-02-06T16:11:00.000+08:00

I am convinced the guy's a Grade A asshole. Went out with Janan and Victor today to do some Chinese New Year shopping. Janan was late so I was stuck with Victor for a good 20mins(which was far too long).

You think i wanted to go out with u meh. lol. Nevermind. Cast the first stone eh. Game on.

Tried talking to the guy but got that really fucked up attitude.

Why did u have to call and be impatient and rude when Janan already informed me. Nevermind. Don't think i'll give u a chance at any remotely positive change period. Forget about going out dude. Quarantine yourself at best. Stop being a social hazard. Yes u were rude. Very. and if all 23yrs of your life you're unable to detect nor rectify that. Then maybe you need to study from primary school again. get reacquainted with juvenile mentalities. Hopefully it isn't too much trauma. Don't let those kids pwn you.

I thought things were fine cause last week when the guys came over to celebrate my birthday, I could talk to Victor without any animosity. But today while we were alone, the fucker gave that obnoxious high and mighty attitude.

You need lessons in embracing friendship. You also need to shape the way to talk to people. "oh sorry, I'm ben., I'm like that. I don't see the need to refine any part of me for any one i know. Its me. You have to accept it" Good Luck then. Explains everything. Thats right. And to think you want pussy somemore. How la u tell me. Give up.

I know the dick only does it to me.

You are the only acquaintance who brazenly does this 10 years after knowing someone. Try triggering your own change before u expect people to spontaneously respond to you positively. Oh yes, did i mention maybe you need to try the prior before u expect the latter? Oh. disclaimer clause then. Want to laminate this put big big in your room? (i actually have to point it out to you)

Perhaps he feels that with a longer academic history than mine, it's justified for him to do so.

Nah. actually if you do the math right. You have in total the longest education history. Something must be wrong somewhere. You? Or the education? Choose.

I've got two words for you Victor. F-U-C-K Y-O-U! The only reason why I put up with your shit is because I didn't want to jeopardise my friendship with Dom and Janan.

Wanna know why all of you will never jeopardise me? Cause it can't. Noobs keep friendships through tolerating crap just because they naively think thats the way it should be. Maybe Janan wants to side you out of pity. Dominic clearly knows better. Okay lor. how much pity can there be before he gives up to. Ponder ponder. Please la. First you send logs then u blog? Dom thinks we have a problem? No. WE dont have a problem. I just do. its called you. You have a problem too. Its similar to mine. Its you too.

You're just the unfortunate shit end that comes with that friendship. The dickhead pretended to accord me some respect only when Janan was around.

Actually i don't. Why would i need to accord u respect even. Janan knows i hate you. Cause i do. I think you might be abit deluded, because my respect for Janan is purely his. Not yours. Never will be, ever. Stop dreaming. Even if your delusional persona cant help feeling rubbed with respect, I am reconfirming with you, so you don't misunderstand. And wait wait, you better double check the definition of friendship too. Sure u fit the criteria?(my own opinion of course, unless the 2 of them ponder about this too)

But during the times when Janan was elsewhere and we were left alone, the fucker pretended I was invisible.

You should be. Clearly u don't understand by now, that i never bother resorting to mind games with acquaintances.

Honestly Victor, do you think I give a crap about your opinions towards me? NEWSFLASH! I couldn't give a rat's ass about it. You can jolly well rot in hell for all I care.

Newsflash. You already ARE rotting. I'm the salt disinfecting you. Janan's the warm bandage around the wound that is you. Guess what happens to wounds not disinfected and wrapped with bandage. Over time they continue to rot. Your friends arent the ones that molly coddle you and feed your delusional presumptions of this world. Wake up your fucking idea. Doesn't matter if you care ben. You never did. And proven, you never will either. What matters is whoever reads this can glean something from it.

Grow up out of whatever childhood trauma u think is afflicting you. I have. For someone who hates u so much. And abhors any core of you. I still believe you can. You just have no faith in yourself have you. The way u talk, the way u carry your mannerisms. Enough. You want to say something, say it. Don't go around people and try being self righteous first. All of me will bring you down for that.

Watch.

Cuddles ftw.

2007-01-25T23:56:00.000+08:00

Grateful.

2007-01-23T02:23:00.000+08:00

Victor and Vanquished says:

yes but even with a job
it dont take away the pain
from a broken family
estranged dad
submissive mum
i cut myself from him.
i dont want his fucking house
nor his dumb fucking will.
i dont need all that dad.
i need u to love.
your kids.
your wife.
stop using them as plaforms to put down just for your ego boost
stop convincing yourself ur a great dad
stop falsifying an alternate reality to your friends
stop lying about me
stop going to my tution kid's house and telling the mother i am a bad tutor when the kid gets distinctions
stop saying u love the family
stop thinking that just because u provide for a family that that = u are a good dad.
stop thinking that just because we dont feed your fucking ego that we disagree u are a good dad
just stop trying so hard. yes your idea of a good dad is shallow
but its not as if we wanted more from you
we never ask from you
we never demand anything from u
is it not enough?
is it not enough u dont give me any money when i end jc.
is it not enough i have never asked a single cent from u
for 5 years
and u kick me out of the house u so desperately cling on to
u tell me u cut off everything when i have been paying my own bills
u call my gf a slut when she sees the jem in me and spends more time with me?
u had to insult her family?
grow up dad.
period.
stop trying to fly off to shanghai for chinese new year just so people forget me.
i make too much of an impression. people we know all like me
they will know.
stop defending yourself
stop telling yourself u have a bad son
stop forcing people into a corner and then when they pwn your silly outbursts with one or 2 sentences
then u get so frustrated and offended
stop saying this son will die when he leaves your protection. he never had it from u. and u never gave it either.
one year now he's left your house
he's okay.
he's grown up abit.
made friends
worked log hours
this son started working earlier than even you.
grandma didnt kick u out when u were in a critical age?
then how do u think its fair i leave just to appease you
i left to show u that u arent as great as u think.
i survive as testament to the bad father u are.
i survive for my friends
i survive to experience life
i survive to know more about the people around me
i learnt my glib from you
at first all was rosy
how did u pervert such beauty of father and son to such depths?
never will i want to know anymore
traumatise me u might have
stronger i have become.
when u pushed me i stood my gound
when i pushed back u fell
u bled.
i saw fear in your eyes
fear in a father of his son
then it must be undone.
for a father who fears his son is not worthy of being a father.
that perversion said much about you and what u believed in
enough then.
off i go
greener pastures await
the pain has not ended
the toil is not done
but with this
u have reinforced my resolve.
in many twisted ways.

thank you dad.

Love Floats.

2007-01-21T13:57:00.000+08:00

Need we space and time

For what is real and sublime?

Where do we, ourselves, align

Lying lost, confused yet dormant, benign

Would thee not, with space, embrace

Prefer thou not, a kiss, rekindle bliss.

Hath ye not, yearned fires of desire

Joys beyond all pleasure and measure.

Demented. Distraught. Deranged.

2007-01-15T02:46:00.000+08:00

You are The Devil

Materiality. Material Force. Material temptation; sometimes obsession

The Devil is often a great card for business success; hard work and ambition.

Perhaps the most misunderstood of all the major arcana, the Devil is not really "Satan" at all, but Pan the half-goat nature god and/or Dionysius. These are gods of pleasure and abandon, of wild behavior and unbridled desires. This is a card about ambitions; it is also synonymous with temptation and addiction. On the flip side, however, the card can be a warning to someone who is too restrained, someone who never allows themselves to get passionate or messy or wild - or ambitious. This, too, is a form of enslavement. As a person, the Devil can stand for a man of money or erotic power, aggressive, controlling, or just persuasive. This is not to say a bad man, but certainly a powerful man who is hard to resist. The important thing is to remember that any chain is freely worn. In most cases, you are enslaved only because you allow it.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

no.

2007-01-04T11:30:00.000+08:00

i never dreamt of the wierd possibilities u made me out to be. nor have i side analysed people that way. nor have i abhored people for their circumstance. never will i say i am this way just because. then again. if u do ponder. and also if i am the hypocritical fence sitter i am made out to be, i will say generic infallible statements to garner good faith. i do not.

if u think i hate him because he has a girlfriend. then u dont know me well. (whats so great about her, really)

if u think i hate him because he has a broken family, u must be nuts. (as if i dont have one)

once again. if u feel you arent one to generate bias upon circumstance. what makes u think i do?

so someone decides to send u a log (he is faultless for what i deem to be a minor infringement) and you are shocked? (why not with him?)

i may covet true happiness and a warm family. but never to the point of soulful oblivion, thank you. still i will be occupied supporting myself. coming to my empty bed. falling asleep drunk with could have beens i have been yes, weak to fufil (should i truely have been able to)

when u earn 1.2k. and pay 400 for rent. 120 for your bills and pay off a japan trip and are left with nothing. seriosuly. u dont have time for angst. you would be nervous over pettier needs like a roof over your head and whether u have enough pocket money for school next semester.

i dont think u fathom this side of life. army may be close but not close enough.yes, work hard now. no one is saying you shouldnt. but it doesnt mean u are exempt from other struggles in your life. and please stop saying its a choice i made. would it be sane to say it is a choice u made to pursue your studies? (with no consideration other pre-requisites have already been made, to allow u to?) those pre-requisites i need to tackle right now. choice is an intricacy pretty complex to analyse. broken down, it is easily deludes the analyser. results garnered are still fallible by invigorated information.

this never was about those people. somehow if u bring it there. then there already has been much u have chosen to not say, when a friend should have.

and no. this definitely does not feed any egos of mine. its quite a piece of suffering to be in where i am. never will i feel fending for one's self in a critical age makes me stronger than my peers.

you dont see the weakness within. (maybe not even for you)

yes you are right. dota is a test for me. typing sheep to remind someone to coordinate teamwork isnt really a flame. nor typing blink to someone else who forgets he has it. if its a game to be fun for you. then dont be affected by what people say. simple. just say victor is like that lor. just write it off. same what. i also write how people play off. never will i say you are good or lousy with calculated thought. games are flurries of impulses. everything is forgotten when it ends.

true friends fathom. lets try. not for convenience, nor just because, nor because we've been friends from acquaintances for so long. nor because we're lazy to know other people. (sometimes understanding that people chose others over us for greater reasons is a humbling virtue as well)

oh and i was being yelled a bastard or an idiot quite loudly on your birthday in front of all your friends and family. to have 20 pairs of eyes on you sux. so i left shortly after. no i didnt talk about it. i tried to fathom. (surely it was an impulse. nvm. friendship>all)

fear only what u fathom. else they be phantoms.

friendship ftw.

New Year.

2007-01-02T03:16:00.000+08:00

Pondering...

Somehow or rather. I choose to not go to changi airport to pick someone up or welcome him home. How dumb can this get. Seriously. You want to pick your boyfriend up then okay. go ahead. u asked me to plan and give u details, you went ahead to do what u want. i gave a place for dinner, u said no. u wanted to meet at the airport 3 hours ahead of time to eat and talk and you are afriad we'd be late. I dont really know what u decided to tell anyone else. but if u all had fucking plans. then why the fuck meet for dinner? meet at airport 10pm for an arrival at 1030. simple. u want to eat dinner at your place then dont ask anyone else to plan a place to eat. if you are going to overrule everything. then kindly not ask anyone to 'decide for you and give u details'. Negotiation is an art u do not have. arts scholar u may be. that requires 2 parties coming to an agreement. which somehow or rather u are either too pigheaded or egotistical to come to. you know who you are.

'explain why you are not there to him'. really. refer to above. i had enough of people like this in my life. EQ? thy dares breach into this realm? a higher EQ person cannot flare up at lower EQ people?. Nope. this isnt low EQ. its blatant in nature. choice has been done. you show your ugly side to people and you think they are stupid? no. they choose to let you be. either u arent worth changing much. or you never will anyways. why bother. did he specify he wants to see us or pick us up? no. just because people are available for things to be done doesnt mean that they should or will. expectance of this is naively proving one has a low EQ. So i see. when you have exams and have no time and choose not to put friends (or different friends due to different personal reasons) first but yourself. that is altruistically right? then we are both sinless.

Being a true friend is more than telling a friend what he wants to hear. nor telling him what u have tailored, what may be a horrid attempt at tact. if you hope people understand you yet make no effort to yourself to understand truly, people, in their conditions or reasons why they have done what they have done, to be whatever they are. then you have not crossed a tier far more worthy than a man's worth. if u choose to insist a person is wrong with all of you. then there can be no hope for any sort of kinship ties. judge not people. but circumstance. once u have analysed such as prior. then analyse choice. if u are traumatised or affected by eventuality, and have no access or no such comfort of the above, then cast not the first stone. if you are so free to analyse so much. you wont be who you are anymore. this opens a whole new topic of life choice and outcome which few are willing to dare themselves out to being.

'treasure that group of friends' if this be a true regard. amen. i will see forth such. if it be smite, then thou has no leverage to cast this stone.

what are we but souls? seek we not pleasures of flesh and mind? challenge you i forever shall, yet hold a torch for you, always i will. this is friendship. rather, soulship. remember this, forsake you i never shall. such length i am prepared to go for a true friend. maybe i should move on.

should our paths cross on this dark and dimly lit road, give thou a smile and thou shalt embrace thy soul with a tear.

Saturday Night[o] Fever.

2006-11-18T18:59:00.000+08:00

Now @ Gran Cyber Cafe b@gus.

Awesome atmosphere here. for rates like 1250 yen [about 18SGD], you get an 8hour time block of usage. So for about $2.20/hr, u get a P4 3.2 ghz com with 2GB ram, a huge 21 inch LCD monitor, Limitless access to any form of media here [Newspapers, magazines, comics, internet], oh did i mention u also get a free flow of drinks too? they have this whole array of fruit teas and coffees to chose from, at no extra charge even. Free flow of sugar, honey and milk too. Wow.

My Favourite? the blueberry tea with 2 dallops of honey/ hr. Muahaha. Don't be looking at me. i'd be having a caffeine overdose by the time its 2am. yup i started at 6pm. after a nice 500 yen[$6.75 sgd] meal at a 24 hr eatery near the hotel. What did i eat? a standard katsudon. Thats supposed to be breaded pork fried till crispy, with half cooked eggs and a nice blend of soy sauce of some sort, which they plop on top of a big bowl of rice. Complete with a pretty big salad, a bowl of miso soup, as well as free flow of ice water and green tea. Burp.

Brb. 2nd tea awaits. Lets try cherry this time. <3.

Back. Okay haha no one stopped me from me tea party. so we can reasonably deduce that the induction above, is accurate. Its selectively lit here. Except for where people read stuff or when they're at their coms. The ambience here suggests a great reverance for personal space and self occupation, the focus is what you are doing, what you are reading, etc. Thankfully i was given priority to swap to a non smoking room instead. Man, they're right. Next to a smoker here, the PSI really is about 300. and non smoking areas are about 150 haha. Ciggies here come by too affordable man. i mean like wtf? Not only is it only $3-4SGD per Hardpack mind you. They even have ciggie dispensers too?! [there aren't soft packs here i think]

Here, seldom u will find people smoking one or two sticks. its all or nothing almost. yea. over dinner they smoke the whole dang pack Oo and no way will they advertise some damaged organ or orifice for the sake of social hypocrisy. Ala my own country which likes to advocate one thing but its always the CB "oh if in event our message does not get thru, then we might as well embark on what we feel is some social optimum by taxing more lor" mentality.

Night life here is pretty wild. i mean wow. at below 10 degrees Celsius the girls are wearing... Hotpants? Hah. maybe when u have to wait 6 months to wear it for a few weeks per year. yea the itch? i totally understand >_<|| Anyways. Daylight is about 7am here and Sunset is a very early 4pm. Once it hits 6pm people are dining everywhere. Not to mention all em nationalities come out. Nigerians/Jamaicans [yo marn. u want a marsarge/ blojorb? it be very good ya], mainland Chinese[nian2 qing1 ren2! jiang3 guo2 yu3 bah! lailai bie2 hai4 xiu1! zhe4 li3 de niu'er zhen4 dian3!] Koreans even[bo go ship[da]ment goooood...] i even see filipinos here. Guess what Persistence is.

Its following you past. like. 4 streets. fwaseh. 4 streets later, i think like, different pubs/brothels belong to the same conglomerate. yikes. They switch the goaders/pimps.

Brb. Lets do the orange tea now.

Back. Some chio waitress just walked past me and said what i believe to be "enjoy your stay, sir!" in japanese. That is it. That is SO it. the people here are amazingly docile and polite. Everything said and done is gracious and immensely elegant. They bow to acknowledge you when u buy something or endorse any service. I kinda feel Japan to be an incredibly humble sort of country. Over here, there isnt and form of service tax which is latched unto consumption of any form. But rather, the whole i must respect everyone else because i owe it to society in general for my subsistence is impeccably etched unto almost every Japanese here. End result? Although u pay a little more for consumption here. Service equalises.

Kyoto to and fro is about 7 hrs total travel time on the bullet train. Visited a shrine or two and even saw a geisha yesterday. Such presence she had. Kids there are pretty independant i guess. saw 2 girls barely 6 or 7 taking the crowded bus with everyone else. Bus fares here are 1.50sgd per child and 3sgd per adult. Maybe we shouldn't Complain about transport fees back in SG so much haha. Cabs start at a calling price of 9sgd. The Japan Rail Pass is an unlimited travel worth 400sgd. Renewable on a per weekly basis.

Food here is pretty much healthy. With mounds of salads and green teas subtly assimilated into every meal here, its no wonder why Japan has a much lower Mortality rate and a much higher life expectancy[82.2 yrs] compared to the rest of asia. Ageing population you say? Well. i haven't yet understood Japan's social security network yet, But i do know that on trains and buses, younger people always get up for them. Without Prompt whatsoever. Older person enters bus. Younger person automatically offers seat. Betcha didnt know that bus engineers here engineer a bus to Torque it 15-20 degrees toward the embark/disembark side of the bus. When the bus stops, the tires deflate one side to allow easier boarding and alighting. That done it inflates again toward the normal and moves on. Lol. Nudge nudge SBS.

Okay i know i don't really need another Tea. So lets try going to raid the free flow of fresh milk for tea. Just for the milk. Brb.

Yum lol. Oh. Did i mention that there are speciality stores which cater rooms for u to wank in? You pay like 500yen[$6.75sgd] for an hour to yourself in a small cosy room with a huge tv set and cordless earphones. They even provide for you a replica of the female anatomy to intensify your experience. You get to choose from their catalog of about 2000 dvds. You take a shopping cart and select 6 dvd's per hour you pay for. 12 dvd's for 2 hrs and so on. And yes they still greet and bow when u endorse, and thank you when u leave.

I assume in a country where it really isn't that difficult looking for whichever vices you tick by, that society here isn't as pent up as back home. Moreover its a pretty nonchalant thing over here. Vices as they are. Society here just totally comprehends, period. Given the more temperate climate, what i observe is that the lonelier person will probably feel more comfortable here. Tolerant and condoning this place is. Back home you might get glares and get slapped with sarcasm et al. Not here. No. I also notice that women here cling on to their man alot more. Bring on the endearment baby! haha. Endearment ftw!Well. Maybe higher male mortality is to blame lol i don't know. Males here die a lil younger and abruptedly as well. Which could really mean a lot less eligible men for the middle aged woman here. Guess people here feel that being happy and contented with each other is > than what society thinks about their public display of affection. And this society already doesn't !<3.

Well. 3rd trip to the Loo and 4th cuppa tea. Am gonna play the only game i know how amongst em all. There's Lineage and Ragnarok but no pangya nor gunbound nor Warcraft. OMG no warcraft can wth... and there isnt even any in tokyo neither boohoo. Off to Guildwars then. Be Back Soon.

Gaijin Pride!

2006-11-18T17:25:00.000+08:00

At a local lanshop now in shinjuku. Japan is brr cold. its a mere 12-15 degrees day or night here.　Highlands its about 5-7 degrees. Bloodflow ebbs your joints and your fingers and ears start to numb and feel like they arent there anymore. Lol. Damn. mental block right now. So much to say, yet so little i want to. brb.

Me. Psychosis Major.

2006-08-09T12:48:00.000+08:00

You scored as Psychology. You should be a Psychology major!

Psychology

100%

Theater

83%

Anthropology

83%

Sociology

83%

Dance

75%

Philosophy

75%

Mathematics

67%

Journalism

67%

Engineering

67%

Linguistics

67%

English

50%

Art

33%

Biology

33%

Chemistry

17%

What is your Perfect Major? (PLEASE RATE ME!!)
created with QuizFarm.com

Stasis

2006-08-02T01:24:00.000+08:00

A stasis I am in right now. I keep thinking of her. Kept thinking how I met her. How we got to know each other better. How we slept together, dreamt together. How we were in love. Yet this still haunts and daunts me. How did we ever come apart. Nights and nights I’ve cried to myself, turned to god, sunk into bouts of depression. How I wished I could share more of me with her. How I could kiss her lips once again. Embrace her. Cuddle her. To want no more in life but her. That she would make me complete. Now she’s gone its like some crucial organ had been decapitated from me. I don’t eat sleep sing or smile or joke as jovially anymore. Is this how it eventuates out to be? Subtle gradual acceptance of this breakup? It devours me so.

I really miss her. Yearning. Anticipating. Waiting. Its some place I haven’t been to before. Some place not many people can say they’ve been to. That convulsive churning desire enveloping every inch of your body. The basal desire for companionship. Hers. She seldom talked to me. I must have been indignant. Maybe I ignored her. Maybe her selflessness didn’t allow her to bring to my attention her feelings for me were gone. Maybe it was a role play. Its been over a year now. Come back to me. Take advantage of me. I don’t care anymore. I want her so badly it hurts.

Dear time. Please turn back. It is said u were the only entity in the universe which would embrace the emotion of love. Unveil yourself. Go back to the times we would embrace. Now pause. Go back to the times we would kiss. Now pause. Go back to the times we were happy and cheerful. Now pause. Go back to the times we didn’t want more. Once again pause. Much thanks, sweet time. Don’t go forward? Please? Time? I like it here. Its tranquil. Its warm. I am happy here. Should you move on I shall suffer pain. I shall be sad. I shall suffer rejection. I shall be disdained. But I will still yearn for her. Still love her. Still want her. Still give my all. Still do crazy things for her. Still want to make her happy. Still be overwhelmed by her. Enveloped in what was our sweet love. I love her.

Ballads I listen to. They sadden me and make me think of her. Food loses its interest. Life is dry when the river of love dries up. Parched we become. Insatiable thirst unquenched. Dear god. Is our insatiable thirst such as so? Love? To be loved? To love? If there be a tree of love. Lord thy temptation be great to eat its fruit. By my side, emptiness. Only with her will I be sanctified. Love to redeem I shall want.

Confusion. Anger. Pain. Suffering. Tears. Humility. Redemption. Heartache. Desire. Hunger. Insanity. And confusion again. What is this mysterious strength holding me back. This strength which incapacitates me. Knocks me senseless. I want her heart. Does she still want mine? Its barely intact. Coronary glue, I shall need. Wholeness eludes. Women I do not want. Her I do. Yet have her I cannot. Difficult be, this test of god.

What do I do now? Someone tell me.

I give up.

2006-07-15T15:12:00.000+08:00

You Are 20% Boyish and 80% Girlish

Even if you're not a girl, you're very feminine.

You're in touch with your feelings, and your heart rules you.

A bit of a emotional roller coaster, one moment you're up and the next you're down.

But no matter what, you try to be as cute and perky as possible.

How Boyish or Girlish Are You?

Hope.

2006-04-22T02:41:00.000+08:00

I meet her for late dinner after watching the movie 'The Sentinel'. We end up having lots of laughs, talking bout history, more laughs, feeling totally comfortable with each other. 'Hey wanna come up to my place?' 'Sure.' I was not expecting anything to happen. I am the kind to excercise self control. She asks about catholicism vs. christianity and i clarify her doubts as calmly and composed as i can. We watch Spongebob Squarepants together. Then she offs the lights for pillow talk. 'Stay till the rain ends'. 'Oh, okay, thanks'.

Then she lights her aroma candles, taps the lava lamp. She closes the curtains and turns on some deephouse. Then she offs the lights and leans close to me. We start talking. The music is intruigingly hypnotic. I fall into a Trance. We talk some more. 'This is a cosy room huh, like it?' 'Of course i do, its lovely.' Yea all my friends say so, thats why they like to stay over'. 'I think my friend is prettier than me, when we club all the guys keep asking her for her phone number, its never me.' 'Why not you?' 'Maybe i look fierce haha' 'Nah, u dont, you're a very nice person'.

I get so in the mood i keep wanting to kiss her but i dont. I know she'll say no. Then we talk about her ex boyfriends and the current guy she likes. I bend over and ask her slowly. 'Can i kiss you?' 'Oh, no, don't.' 'Okay'. 'Alot of guys have said that to me before'.

Am i just another guy? I think to myself. 'Oh rain's stopped'. 'Yea i better get going too'. At the door she asks: 'What made u want to kiss me? maybe u think too much'. Maybe i have. 'A kiss is just a kiss, nothing more, dont think too much too k?' But the fact i wanted to. That says volumes of who you are. But i didnt get to say that. I just walked home in the drizzle. Thinking about the relationships i had in the past. I truely affirm to myself that attraction is sometimes ambience. She certainly knew how to create that. Sometimes it feels good to fall for something like that, even though you know you are going to.

It surely wasn't lust. I had not intended of having intimacy beyond a certain point. Had it been beyond that point i would have pulled a stop. But i do know i am very comfortable with her. And she has this sullen vulnerable aura about her which makes you feel you want to get to know her better. And that i did. She let me know her better. It is reward enough. Will i see her again?

I want to.

Hope teases you sometimes.

I hope i get to Love again.

Amen.

If at first you dont suck seed.

2006-04-17T00:31:00.000+08:00

Your IQ Is 135

Your Logical Intelligence is Below Average

Your Verbal Intelligence is Genius

Your Mathematical Intelligence is Genius

Your General Knowledge is Genius

A Quick and Dirty IQ Test

Boredom Living Alone =

2006-04-15T17:55:00.000+08:00

Your IQ Is 105

Your Logical Intelligence is Below Average

Your Verbal Intelligence is Above Average

Your Mathematical Intelligence is Exceptional

Your General Knowledge is Exceptional

A Quick and Dirty IQ Test

Hey, waddya know

2006-03-20T03:28:00.000+08:00

Your Birthdate: January 7

You are an island. You don't need anyone else to make you happy.
And though you see yourself as a loner, people are drawn to you.
Deep and sensitive, you tend to impress others with your insights.
You also tend to be psychic - so listen to that inner voice!

Your strength: Your self sufficiency

Your weakness: You despise authority

Your power color: Maroon

Your power symbol: Hammer

Your power month: July

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Sunday Morning.

2006-03-13T01:02:00.000+08:00

Woke up at 7a.m today, washed up and went with lionel's mum to volunteer at Laguna Country Club's Osim Golf Masters event. What an eye opener to the world of golf, i must say. Met this cute Japanese boy named Aki. Taught me a bit of jap'nese. We basically stuck to each other the whole time. Golf is damn shiong if you're the scoreboard holder. Essentially, Golf is about completing 18 holes. each hole length is about 400m - 500m, nice total of 9km raw course walking, save for other miscellaneous coverage of Hole to Hole. I estimate today to be about 15km walked altogether, to and fro and around the clubhouse.

Golf can be very therapeutic, you get totally absorbed into the game some one else is playing. And we were ultimately happy a Singaporean won the competition. Feels proud to be singaporean a tad. You know how the general atmosphere is like, All the rich powerful people all saturated on an uberly refined sport. In Golf its about exploiting limits and optimisation once again. The challenge? Topography. Anyways, it was a superbly successful event. They provide all volunteers with a $50 adidas shirt, $20 cap and $20 food vouchers to boot. We were on the course a good 6 hours without sitting one bit, but then again, given 4 putts per hole and each player taking 2 minutes to take the shot, one hole takes about 20 mins, gives us just about under 6 hours. Lol.

Aki wants to be pro very badly and gets hyper around any mention of golf. haha. Ambitious for a 12 yr old, then auntie annie went to chide him on 'the importance of education'. Aki = pwned. Muaha. Aki's dad and sister followed us throughout the 3 players we were assigned to and this golfer gave her his golf ball. She Beamed. Aki's dad happens to also be a bigwig in JVC. Talk about meeting people in golf. And then there was this scorer aunty who had a son who went to NS after she withdrew him from JC to pursue golf. National golfer calibre, of course.

Aki: Hey, how old are you?
Me: How old do i look?
Aki: 17?
Me: 22 la, how the...

Scorer Aunty: How old are you?
Me: How old do i look?
Scorer Aunty: 17, 18 lor.
Me: No la aunty, i finish NS in Uni already.
Scorer Aunty: Wah cannot be, you look very young.
Me: Very young meh.. I coming Uncle already...
Scorer Aunty: *Black face* You still young man.
Me: Orh. *pupils vertically upward*

Lotsa chiobu Carlsberg mascots. woo lala. Yes, Slim, Big Chest, Attractive face and curves, and above all, very sociable. Amen la i tell you. Then they had some poor emirates stweardesses in full air service crew attire to mascot for emirates. Osim also had the igallop and ipamper booth. Awesome conglomeration.

Anyways, what really was interesting was the post surprise. The uber interior of the club was amazing, awesome baths and convieniently placed hot jaccuzi pools next to them. Finished basking in hot water, dried self, walked out, then "oO" wah, Osim massage chairs( All for me??). Evil propoganda never seemed so good. Indulge i shall. Then a whole array of personal grooming stuff was next door. I love the bryl cream for protein rich supplement for hair, must find sia. Headed to clubhouse to eat, had beer batter fish and chips, and took away a ham and cheese sandwich set to bring over to reuben's.

Took a cab there, cost me only $4.50, gave bel and albert food and observed their pandemic chicken pox. Like over liao liddat.Picked up my tennis balls and took cab home. Albert bit Bel when she fed him the last chunk of sandwich, Lmao. Malorie went church and reuben's out with diane again. Aww.

Arrived home, to message lionel if my phone was there (it naturally was) Played Dota and Talked on the phone with Angie. Johnny she loves u alot sia, even to the point of asking me to impart my culinary skills. Aiseh. Can i have an onion and garlic chopping slave for a month since i'm doing her a favour? Hee.

Valentine's Day Reminisce

2006-02-15T04:05:00.000+08:00

Huge update, collating events besides school. Got into Clan FTK which DotA's, got to know quite a few good hearts minds and souls. Been very often over to tonn at Reuben's and Lionel's place. Knew this cute brother called Albert of reuben's. Cooked spaghetti there (dragged cristabel to help, muahaha), baked them brownies now and then. Enjoyable gamer's nirvana of endless gaming, eating, ordering macs/kfc at weee weee hours of the morning. Arranging tennis once malorie recovers from the trauma of chicken pox o_O and possible doing Fish and Chips soon (yes this is a teaser ahaha). Giving Bel A math tuition (self-righteously-induced trauma >_<)

Lionel. Amazingly beautiful house, very amicable mum, and dem hilariously adorable grandma. Happened to be through the transition of his new Computer. Quaint, how lionel got his Com too. Anyways, we did up this MSI motherboard AMD 64 Bit 3.2 Ghz Com, 1 Gig Corsair Ram, 160 GB HDD, with some Nvidia-MSI 256 Mgb GEForce4 card. After we had good specs, bummer, horrid connection, however, easily rectified with the purchase of a 30 metre ethernet cable, out his room, down the staircase, under the carpet to the modem. Hah. DotA bliss awaits. Excellent birthday present too, that computer. His mum makes super knockout punch (more like roundhouse kick, legdrop then bodyslam and backbreaker) i was out for like 2 hrs. Learnt never to ever drink 5x200ml of hyper punch when Dehydrated. *Sehhh* We made chicken mayo there for breakfast once, and i brought over this bottle of new year cookies which adrain's mum made for me (2 bottles actually, i soot one myself >_<).

Tuition. Been giving Adrain Tuition now, since August 2005, kudos to adrain, even his mum is curious why he's got the study bug all of a sudden, as usual lahh, me corrupts kid. Adrian DotA's too, must train him! Then i received a message of a new job somewhere in Bishan. Very smart girl, Primary 6. Paranoid Mum. Add 2 dashes of insecurity, tadaaa, i have a new responsibility. =P. So thats more income, more responsibility, Less time to erm, waste my life away muahaha. My Sister charmaine once again did amazingly well for her exams. Whoopie. Easy victor, no pressure to be a sucess in life, no pressure... *pant*. Of course if she needs any help, she can come to me. But this proud little twerp has mettle, i'll tell ya that. Arrogant Determined Girl. Too bad some emotional autism Did eventually rub off unto her. Poor me. I gotta incalcate some damage control quick.

Cleared the 2k cheated from me. Spiritual enlightenment i swear. Trauma over. Joy. Time's a ticking, have exams and tests to actually finally sit down and study for. Come on Vic. Stop Debilitating your development hor. Aha. As of now, i devote most of my time to earning my keep and being proud of it, game, play more sports, juggle my leisure and books.

Going out with vernon tomorrow, movie lunch and a quick pop over to check out his PC. Mac users always find the XP a mystery o_O.

"Reset the World" - Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex 2

Tachikoma damn cute la. Deeper Blogging Soon lala~

Affirmation

2005-07-30T16:39:00.000+08:00

Its been awhile, got to know some people after army, attended st. theresa's father arro's 50th golden birthday bash, archbishop was there, vern as usual made everyone sing, people melted, came together, rose to great heights together, vern made archbishop sing (omg!), attended carraige bar's idol at carraige bar near mt. elizabeth. 12 singers, the women came in tops. brian was there, so was doreen, as well as a few other celebs, pretty smashing all in all. Singing for vatican artifacts at asian civilization musem tomorrow, choir prac tonite.

The past few weeks and months have been outrageously emotionally exhaustive. one of the pitfalls which have been hard to avoid has been to call on her, ask after her, still not too sober whatever we had was over, snap! just like that. She says that there was a point of time which reversal was possible. I tried. Guess we're better off without each other. When i fall asleep or wake up, i think of her, imagining it was her that was next to me, wishing that bolster/pillow that i had hugged too tightly for a boy of my age, to animate itself and maybe hug back. Facades. Its always SO very very hard to forget someone you have loved. Guess the next best thing u can do is fall in love again, or forever wall your heart, its defences evident of insecurities we've been hurt by before.

Ever wanted to reach out above the clouds? ascend way beyond the limitations society and family/friends set you? to break free and attain liberation of body, heart, mind and soul? we all do. we are but only mortal, however, we have something invaluable. It is free will. be it god or whatever you believe in, free will is the embodiment of applicable liberty which is the here and now which affects our lives every single moment of its entirety. every turn u take, every move u make. negligibility is but its own subjection, hence is valuation itself. perspectives serve to equalise as they have, always.

Boy do i need some structure in my life, spread yourself too thinly, and you will inevitably discover that you have compromised depth for perception. argued abit with dominic heh. Something u can use when u argue with people is the exact opposite discipline of itself. the closer or more detailed a person speaks about something, the faster u can pick out faults at the subject. Touched on marxism and democracy, communism as well as imperialism, basal fundamentals of religion as well as some sociology. Apparently dominic dislikes those who do not argue and are able to, simply because they have done an elementary level of a cost benefit analysis, and found that it was better to exhibit serenity over doing whatever that was in their power to accelerate change, be it for themselves or even for greater reasons.

But oh well i did sort of argue with my evasiveness. Fight Depth with Perception they always say, and the two will equalise should u prefer whichever conflicts to leave the combatants unscathed. Prides may hurt though, subjected to how much either party is willing to actually be hurt. Should people try to argue with you based on scope, pinpoint points u want to question and do away with scopial approaches. harvest doubt with tact and subtlety. reciprocate to clarify both points made by him and yourself. that is of course, just slightly advanced squaring off. further improvisations enable u to use what the opponent has said against himself. basal questions can be very disturbing should u discover how to employ them with tact and guise it with a twist of eloquence and unassumingness (well, also attainable thru honest/anticipated thought and speech)

Sometimes, when u overanalyse something, it loses its worth and value, not because those are essentially lost, but because analysis breaks down one huge chunk and dissects entirety. but oh well u know us humans, we'd keep analysing because we think it brings us to higher levels. maslow's heirachy of needs has been overused, and also, debunked with the circumstances to today's world. Man has to analyse religion, something intended to be way above him, of course he only unravels confusion and dead ends. likewise, people question maslow of his ascension laws. Is it not possible for us to want to attain self actualisation above pragmatism? Is it not possible to derive love and then pragmatism? Is it not possible to jump processes? =)

it is queer how maslow leaves out the human spirit in his parenthesis. the spirit to love someone can be so overwhelming that u put other factors aside. the need for self actualisation can overwrite basal physiological needs(feats of sheer humanistic will, marathons) and even fuel u further should that be the goal you will want to attain. it almost tethers alongst borderline cynicism should i be bold enough to offer my opinion.

human spirit has to be the singular most unanticipated, spontaneous yet consistent element of change. the systems of today around us all whisper it to us when we sleep and awake every day.

i think i better write with a structure inn my next attempt to coerce something fruitful

ugh i need to piece my sanity together again, help, anyone?

ellusive redemption

2005-05-25T12:23:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, redemption, or the need we(I) find in attaining it, propels us to greater things, provided we are mature enough to not get caught up in the little things. once we settle our own theoretical selves, little things will come to make it all worthwhile.

Thanks xiaowen, for loving me, and letting me try to love you, which i did not do well at all, better luck next time, hope your man finds the gem in you(which is you) which i saw too

Lovers are all aspiring gemologists, once you've fallen in love at first sight, you'll never stop trying

Thank you for planting the seed in me to try, and to love, and even the need to not love each other anymore, i never saw its need my way, now i've been enlightened by you, once i tried to see it your way, and your attempts to unblind me and my ravageous lust for love, which i let, corrupt me thru the ebbing of logic and reason. corruption of love leads to hatred, hatred leads to anger, anger is blind and can only see again, with love. anger also leads to violence(mental violence) 'violence is the last refuge of incompetence', as the words of issac asimov.

Maybe u felt that i had never loved you, guess i got carried away trying to synthesize a 'fall in love' and hence anticipated a sort of recipocration known as 'to be loved', bad mistake. i contradicted me by hoping if i could synthesize the proper channels of love and recipocration, i could attain love and cherishment thru exploitation of circumstance and will. i blinded myself so willingly, that i outsmarted me by self-denial, counter justification of the values of love with simple emotional math. sorry i took up one over year of your time. u already know u deserve someone better.

I loved it when we first ate at marche, and even our first bath together(and erm consequent ones) sorry i was rude to menghui because i used to think she was a twerp >_<'' thanks for letting me kiss you, and hug you, and give u masasges with the body shop massage oil u bought me (er, ya hor, why u buy ah? hurhur) i know u love hot water, u know i love cold water, at least i had fun turning the cold water on when u were using the hot, but u also intently turned up the heat when it was my turn T_T'', i still remember the apricot scrub we used to share, exfoiliation anyone?

Thanks for letting me eat you, yes i know i was rather bad at it, but i noticed your breath quicken when i did it right. forgot when liao, i need refresher courses with a larger sampling size of women i guess haiz. sorry for making you feel as if i want a blowjob that badly. there were times i really didnt have to have one. u didnt believe that i could eat you and not want to be eaten? why not? ur wierd, cant u just take it for it?(i even went to use up what ever i had stored over the week, or two on tissue papers, so as not to plant the wrong seeds in you that u had to recipocrate, ugh, frustration. so i did a 180 degrees on you and u slowly became repulsive. irony. so maybe i wanted to love you more than you did me, keyword: wanted.

When u stopped coming over, i thot i had started to see better, and took it as a loss of effort, when u took it as an avoidance with my dad then. i'm so much better with him now. so anyway i went to the furthest extent of me, to keep us alive, i went over, brought u your favourite handmade noodles(no ikan bilis, no mushrooms), clothes(my lovely sajc wafer shorts T_T), magazines(cleo, herworld, women's weekly, etc), my beloved U-pillow(how's it doing? got my smell anot? =) took cabs there cos i was lazy, and i wanted to see you asap, get u the food as hot and fresh as possible, together with the barang barang i had with me, but u thot i wanted a blowjob asap, well, i usually wank before the whole process, thats why i crash your bed after that, wanking induces sleep hormones =.=zz and also because i had army throughout this period, i overated my potential as a lover and felt i was ready for a fullblown relationship so as to spend more productive time with you.

I used to pop by after camp, with breakfast from delifrance, or fried doughsticks salads, or breadtalk bread, or jurong pt kopitiam hand made noodles, when i couldnt run home to get it. and ya, sorry for the de-sugared stuffs i get you, or cook you, but i know you've got diabetes under control now, congrats on your insulin pump *pumps fist in air* saved u quite a few years of pain, and could very well extend life expectantcy a few years too.

When i saw that your mum was horribly overworked, i was rejuvenated by a new resolve. I tried to see her the way u saw her, albeit never the complete picture u saw, you're ultimately her daughter, me, a worthless outsider. but she was sweet and her toil brought about a radiance about her that i will always be inspired by. hope your dad is inspired by her too. i knew the busy timings she had in the mornings because u told me not to be late if i wanted to help. i did, so i rush after doing nite duty the night before about 10pm to 7am and rush from camp to be in time and i'm zonked by evening or even early afternoon.

My health took a turn for the worse, i was falling sick and i was causing accidents at the stall, i told myself to not help if i couldnt do it properly at all, worse if i got your mum sick, i would never forgive myself for that. anyway if u think i worked for the money, most of the money she gave me went to cab fares to you, paying phone bills, making my ends meet before i brazenly tried to make the ends of others meet. sorry for helping improperly. sometimes i want u to stop helping because it affects your health too, with lethargy and all, i'm horribly inaccurate in all my biological knowledge and anyhow applications.

But whenever u need someone to fix your fluorescent ceiling lights, 'try' to repair your computer, play with you gunbound(yay, i mastered nak and fwoggy!) help your mum when u u feel she needs it and u got school or wana chill the saturday with joan or have project work. when u need someone to talk to, or are stuck at some place in some deserted somewhere, u know can ask me to fetch u home, i'd try to be there for u as a friend, if i couldnt do it when i was a lousy lover, maybe keeping what we had would de-cloud my vision. platonicism.

I think kejun's a bright young star whom i know u love. your sisterly love shines through stronger than whatever we had. i even went as far as to try to be her sister when she was with me, at pools and all, if i couldnt realise my lofty ambitions, maybe i help her materialise hers, they were genuinely more innocently happy. we could be jioing each other soon, i'd pass the magazines meant for u to her, that brat loves to read! heh. kejun if u read this, yes u are a brat >_<''

Have u brought shaggy to get a haircut? aiyoh that dogs hair is tangly and long man, i'ma miss shaggy too, and yea, the pandan leaf experiment was cute, we faked shaggy so so many a time buahaha, i'm so mean

I miss what we had, i miss your family, your dog, our baths, our mutual teasings, physical pamperings we gave each other, the innocence i made u lose, our marche's, sizzler's ban mianning, kuay chapping, hugs, kisses. the warmth of our bodies underneath your comforter, our shopping trips, even the rougher times we've had. i know its been a tumultous year over for you, i'm a very difficult person to get along with. hence i dont deserve what you have in you, for myself. u belong to so much more people, i haven't learnt to deal with that yet

Most of all, i miss you, and i already know i cannot end this with a simple 'come back to me', and please dont, i've clearly shown my immaturity in handling people and their hearts, i disgust me, and the people around me too. hopefully i havent been too possessive along the way, please be careful when u meet anoymous people, please? they can end up hurting you beyond even you, like how i've hurt you.